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Another Friday another yuk!!!

By sleepin'dawg ·
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A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat
conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind
him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched
off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend
goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched
off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man
behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the
**** up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and
snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole
club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious,
our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your
enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

Dawg ]:)

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George And Sam

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the
ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say -

"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."

Dawg ]:)

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The not too smart French Fighter(?) Pilot..

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's
a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to
have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts.

'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to
have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam
up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me
lower!'

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and
pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on
fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE,
WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'

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A Retirement bonus

by sleepin'dawg In reply to The not too smart French ...

.

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full

annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any

pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out

with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for

$960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my ***** to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did.The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ***** and began to

work back.

"My God" he said, "Where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam." the general replied.


Dawg ]:)

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One for Hal!!! - An Eskimo in Australia

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

.
An Eskimo was a bit bored with looking at the vast white emptiness and decided he needed a change of scenery, so he booked a holiday to Australia. Soon after arrival, he headed off to the wide green hills and valleys in an old motor car he rented. He was a few days into the tour when driving along a country road, suddenly the car started to stall cough and splutter. Then it conked out. After desperately trying to re-start it without success, he pulled up the bonnet, looked bewildered at the engine and sat down, defeated.

As it happened an Aussie was walking along the road and saw the lonely Eskimo sitting on the grass verge. The Eskimo beckoned him over and said: "We don't have cars where I come from, can you please help me?"

The Aussie peered under the bonnet and said to the Eskimo: "I know what your problem is mate, you've blown a seal. "

The Eskimo looked at him in shock and said: "So what? You fuhck sheep."

Dawg ]:)

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Things to Ponder

by sleepin'dawg In reply to One for Hal!!! - An Eskim ...

Things to Ponder

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Put your ad here!

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"


Dawg ]:)

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The partition

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Things to Ponder

A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill
repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to
build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two
smaller rooms.

The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's
done he gives the madam a bill for $300.

The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around
her in trade."

"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this
partition comes out"

"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the
madam. "That's worth more than $300"

"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this
partition comes out"

"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you
like."

The carpenter thinks a while and then says,

"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"

The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts
to disrobe.

Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently
inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'

She sighs and moans with pleasure.

Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into
her 'rear opening'

The madam is writhing in ecstasy

Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together
and says,

"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"

Dawg ]:)

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Bad Dawg BAD!

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to One for Hal!!! - An Eskim ...

Yes I'm still laughing. :^0

Col

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Volvo thinks of Everything

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a garage in St. John's on
his tour of Newfoundland, Canada.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland
manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is.... Top of the
morning to you etc., etc

Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out
of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey Son?" says the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.

"What're dey for?" enquires the Newfie

"They're for putting my balls on when I drive" says Tiger Woods

"Jaysus!" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fuhckin'
everyting!!!"


Dawg ]:)

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Old Age ain't for Sissies!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Eddie, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Eddie says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby. '
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
********************************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
*********************************************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn' t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
*********************************************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl o f ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
*********************************************


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
*********************************************


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday! '
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
********************************************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Ten thirty .'
********************************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
********************************************

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
********************************************

Okayyyy!!!! Who recognizes themselves here.

Dawg ]:)

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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't

by Jacky Howe In reply to Another Friday another yu ...

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
<br>
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
<br>
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
<br>
Remember:
<br>
Water = Poop,
<br>
Wine = Health.
<br>
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
<br>
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
</br>

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