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Don't shake my hand

By maxwell edison ·
(Due warning for the faint-hearted. Graphic descriptions might follow.)

Contrary to what others might think, I'm a very cordial and sociable kinda' guy. However, I'm beginning to think that I should stop the practice of shaking one's hand when extended in greeting.

I was standing in the restroom the other day ("standing" should be a hint), and some other guy came out of the stall ("standing" versus "the stall" should be descriptive enough). Did he go to the sink to wash his hands? Nooooooo -- right for the door and out he went. This wasn't a one-time occurrence, of course, as it's been suggested that up to twenty percent of people do not wash their hands after using the restroom. (I wonder if there's been a "stall" versus "standing" comparison?) Men are worse offenders than women, by the way. (Don't ask me how I know!) However, I wonder how accurate that twenty percent number really is? After all, who would actually admit to not washing their hands after using the restroom? And how many people might do it only when there's someone else in there to see, and not do it when they're alone? I would bet that it's higher than twenty percent.

A few minutes later I was walking down the hallway, and I see this other guy with his finger so far up his nose that you'd think he was digging for gold. According to some publication that I may or may not have read (and which may or may not be reliable, depending on your desired end conclusion), upwards of 65 percent of people pick their nose regularly throughout the day. I've yet to see a study on how many of those people wash THEIR hands afterwards. I'd also bet that more men than women pick their noses. After all, those fingernails could really do some damage! (By the way, do you know which bacteria is most prevalent on the utensils used in buffet lines?)

It's cold and flu season, you know, and I can't tell you how many people I've seen sneeze and cough into their bare hands. I've never seen one of them, however, wash their hands afterwards. And how many people **** their nose into a tissue, only to **** a huge hole right through it? My God, they may as well **** their nose right into their hands!

At the end of a day observing such behavior, I went into the break room for a cup of coffee. "Fresh coffee coming up", someone told me as he was fumbling through the filters to pick one out. On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't have a cup of coffee so late in the day -- especially since I wasn't sure that he wasn't the same guy I saw digging for gold earlier!

And just think about all those keyboards and mice you fondle each and every day!

For some reason, I've been wondering about something. What would be a good way to politely refrain from shaking one's hand? And some people, you know, are so danged pushy about it!

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by DMambo In reply to Here is a visual for you

'nuf said!

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Rodney Dangerfield said it. :^0

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Here is a visual for you


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Got it!

by jdclyde In reply to Rodney Dangerfield said i ...

For the life of me, I was just drawing a blank! Thanks! B-)

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You know my favorite three words.

by stress junkie In reply to Don't shake my hand

People are ...

Hint. The ... represents a noun.

Anyway, it became clear to me a long time ago that if you eat in restaurants frequently then you are going to eat s--t frequently. People don't wash their hands even when they are going to handle other people's food.

Forget about shaking hands. What about door handles? Plenty of germs there.

Yes, people are ...

Fortunately for us our bodies are built to handle this sort of thing. It is only rarely that we actually get sick from eating food that was handled improperly or from shaking hands or from touching door knobs. But the situation is pretty disgusting when you think about it.

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Its best not to think too deeply about this Max

by AV . In reply to Don't shake my hand

You can't change people, so you'll have to change yourself.

Take a page from Monk. Carry wipes. Everytime you touch something that someone else has touched, use them. Thats what I do.

Just in case you're wondering, most women are much better than men but there are some that are just as bad. I don't care. I use wipes no matter what just in case they missed something. :^0

I'd like to add something to your list of disgusting things people do. How about the used tissue by the mouse that you have to touch to work on their computers? What I do is bring a wipe with me and just put the wipe over the palm of my hand so I don't have to touch it or anything else at their workstation. I can even type through them.

I guess I'm probably as obsessed as you, huh? But unlike you, I try not to think about who made the coffee or who cooked my food in the restaurant. Some things are just better left unknown.

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What I use -- Purell

by w2ktechman In reply to Its best not to think too ...

a hand sanitizer, and yes I do wash my hands frequently.
However, as you say, I am all over the place, so I keep sanitizer around. And NO, I am not a freak or germophobe.

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Frenchman, Englishman and Australian in a bar ...

by drowningnotwaving In reply to Don't shake my hand

All three are sitting in a bar with a very pretty and sophisticated lady and are vying for her attention.

The Frenchman gets up to the bathroom and doesn't come back for 10 minutes.

When he returns the lady politely asks why he was so long. In his thickest french, he replies:

"After using the bathroom, I wash my hands three times, I clean the sink to make sure there is no residue, and I wash my hands three times again, just to make sure they are as pure as pure can be".

All seem duly impressed.

In a couple of minutes the Englishman gets up. In 20 minutes, upon his return, his response to the same question was:

"I wash my hands 4 times, then I call the attendant and demand he supplies fresh boiling water and clean towels for me to repeat the process. I have the high standards of the British royal family!".

All nod their heads knowlingly.

In a couple of minutes time the Aussie gets up, goes to the bathroom and comes back in about 90 seconds.

His response, to their amazed and astonished looks, is:

"I don't **** on my fingers."


That, with the assistance of the international date line, is truly my Friday Yuk.

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I'm with you..

by maecuff In reply to Don't shake my hand

I can block the whole germ/eating in a restaurant/doorknobs are nasty thing. I just don't like to be touched by other people. And when I say other people, I mean people who I don't share any intimacy with. My family and a few close friends are fine, but for the most part, I do not want to touch or be touched by other humans. It makes me uncomfortable. With that being said, the other day, our CEO, who I've spoken to maybe a dozen times in the 6 years I've been with this company, felt the need to give me that little half hug, half pat on the back thing. He must have noticed the immediate look of revulsion on my face, because he backed up quickly. I bet HE doesn't wash his hands, either. Ewwwww...

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It is your own fault, you know....

by jdclyde In reply to I'm with you..

If you weren't so hot, people would not be trying to touch you all the time!

A good hint would be when they start to rub against your leg and say "ohhhh yeeeaaaahhhhhh"

( right gg? ;\ )

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That is true

by maecuff In reply to It is your own fault, you ...

Hotness all around with me. But still, he's like 68 years old and really NOT friendly. He may be able to control my fate on this job, but he doesn't get to touch the goods. Even in a creepy, grandfatherly way..

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