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Early cause it's my friday YUK

By Jacky Howe ·
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the ay to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fuxxak's sake, you stupid bastards. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

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A bloody nose!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

A man is having a problem getting an erection so he goes to see
his doctor. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and finally
decides that he can cure the man.

"There is nothing wrong with you physically," explains the doctor
"you're just suffering from 'performance anxiety.'"

"Well what can I do?" asks the man

"My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach
down between her legs and get a little of her love juice on your
finger and rub it under your nose. This will stimulate your brain
and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep there
will be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is
achieved, wake up your wife and make love to her"

This makes perfect sense to the man and he can't wait to get home
and try it that night.

After his wife has gone to sleep he follows the doctor's advice
and reaches down between her legs, gets some of her love juice
and rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute
or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs
some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he
knows he has a full erection. He is so happy he can't wait to
show his wife and share the good news. He wakes her up and says
excitedly'

"Look honey, look what I have!!"

She rolls over, looks at him and says,

"You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a
bloody nose??"

For those who don't get it, think about it

Dawg ]:)

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BAD BAD Dawg

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to A bloody nose!!!

Yes i got it without the need to think. :^0

Col ]:)

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B-) :^0 <NT>

by sleepin'dawg In reply to BAD BAD Dawg
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:0 <NT>

by .Martin. In reply to A bloody nose!!!
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Raw Materials

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she
would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the
class and said,

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what
would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,
"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold
and I could buy a Porsche"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the
sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

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Farmer Col :^0

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

One day, Farmer Col is in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an
anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.

Farmer Col, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his
purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.

The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Col, and off he goes.

While walking he meets a young woman. She tells him she is lost,
and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

Farmer Col says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit
my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and
go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you
won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish
me?"

Farmer Col says, "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The girl replies, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

Dawg ]:)

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*** VIRUS ALERT ***

by Jacky Howe In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection...

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Stress Management Technique

by sleepin'dawg In reply to *** VIRUS ALERT ***

.
.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
8. See. You're smiling already.

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It works!!!

by .Martin. In reply to Stress Management Techniq ...

I really needed that today!

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I went to a funeral once

by Jacky Howe In reply to Stress Management Techniq ...

and I never seen so many men squirming at the same time, including me. The backdrop was a Waterfall complete with running water. It was a long time before a visit.

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