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Early cause it's my friday YUK

By Jacky Howe ·
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the ay to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fuxxak's sake, you stupid bastards. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

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Strange thing is that

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I went to a funeral once

SWMBO said a similar thing to a Surgeon just before being knocked out for an Operation.

Apparently it's even harder to hold it in in a situation like that.

Col ]:)

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What is it with blokes

by Jacky Howe In reply to Strange thing is that

and the sound of running water. I didn't realise that it effected women as well. It may have been an anxiety attack. It certainly wouldn't have been comfortable for her.

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Don't forget

by .Martin. In reply to *** VIRUS ALERT ***

Death from above.

It will turn all your appliances on
It will **** all your surge protectors
It will make every CD/DVD tray, in 20 10 mile radius, go in and out for three days
It will make your computer type dirty words whenever you type anything
It will reverse the polarity of batteries
It will make January 4th come after March 16th
It will make you loose all hair on the right side of your body

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Dynamite

by Jacky Howe In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to ****!"

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A Very Short Story

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen

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Not a pig! <NT>

by .Martin. In reply to A Very Short Story
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A Woman's Random Thoughts

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.
.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14
kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you
like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then
they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of
a perfect day.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body
and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting
my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent
is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

One of you did send me this, and I don't remember who, any how I am forwarding it to all my dear ones. If any one gets it couple of times please excuse me as I have A.A.A D.D.


AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.


I put the Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


the car isn't washed


the bills aren't paid


there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter


the flowers don't have enough water,


there is still only 1 check in my check book,


I can't find the remote,


I can't find my glasses,


and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....


Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don't remember who the **** I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

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About Sex

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

Quotes about sex by famous folks...
Tom Clancy:
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."

Steve Martin:
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey:
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen:
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."

Unknown:
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield:
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."

Woody Allen:
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns:
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

Camille Paglia:
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

George Burns:
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."

Henry Miller:
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 62 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision."

Lynn Lavner:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL
convertible."

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Ain't this the truth!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

Ain't this the truth!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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