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Early cause it's my friday YUK

By Jacky Howe ·
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the ay to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fuxxak's sake, you stupid bastards. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

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All Female Crew

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ain't this the truth!

.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, We no longer call it the **** pit. Now it's the box office."

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
Using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
Timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, Use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move And does, use the duct tape.

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Duct tape = beest invention ever <NT>

by .Martin. In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REM ...
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Home remedy to coughs

by .Martin. In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REM ...

every time you cough, get someone to dunk your head into a bucket of water

or dunk your head in a bucket of water three times, remove it twice

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You know your wife's a bad housekeeper

by TonytheTiger In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REM ...

whenever you go to pee in the sink and it's ALWAYS full of dirty dishes.

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A Weird Quiz and its Scary Answers

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.


Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and
drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said
yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?

Makes a person think before judging someone.

Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

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Not Beethoven! :0 <NT>

by .Martin. In reply to A Weird Quiz and its Scar ...
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Anatomy Lesson

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father,surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
& firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions??"

Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom,
how many types of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard. In his thrities & forties, It's like a birch tree,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."

Dawg ]:)

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And That's When the Fight Started

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.
"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"
And that's when the fight started....

- - -
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
- - -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started....
- - -
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
- - -
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

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Women & Marriage

by sleepin'dawg In reply to And That's When the Fight ...

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.


INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.


ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. Second Date: Guy is shot dead. No third date!!!


LEBANESE WOMEN:

First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress Second Date: You will take a loan to keep the image Third Date : Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

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