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Early cause it's my friday YUK

By Jacky Howe ·
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the ay to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For fuxxak's sake, you stupid bastards. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

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First & second place

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to
see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon
around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. She
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around
the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The
woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband comes home drunk after being out
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins
snoring very loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to
the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman
sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles
into the bathroom to do his business, and as he stands in front
of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into
the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says, "Rex old fella, I don't remember
what the **** happened last night, but wherever we were, we took
first and second place.

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Why Some Men Have Dogs, Not Wives

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

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1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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A Remarkable Discovery

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

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Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better

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Are You Normal?

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions.

Driving

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

What We Shouldn't be Doing

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

**% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

Religion

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average)

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

49% believe in ESP.

Daily Living

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

Love & Sex

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)

The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

Men say the average erect ***** is 10". Women say it's 4".

56% of men have had sex at work.

60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)

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As I've Matured

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

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I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the
real pains in the *** are permanent.

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Baby Skunk

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

The wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It
was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose.

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Being Irish means...

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

.

* you will never play professional basketball

* you swear very well

* at least one of your cousins holds political office

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing
someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you have never hit your head on the ceiling

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you're strangely poetic after a few beers

* you're poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason...a lot

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is
Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* someone in your family is incredibly cheap

* it is more than likely you

* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing

* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start
talking

* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"

* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in

talent, you make up for in frequency

* there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
kegger party

* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"

* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"

* if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"

* you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local
emergency room

and last but not least... Being Irish means...

* your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

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Bird Flu Symptoms

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of avian flu. If
you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

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His deepest condolences

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:
" What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

by Jacky Howe In reply to Early cause it's my frida ...

A woman sitting in a Brisbane Pub suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

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