After Hours·5,453 discussions

Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Locked

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the ay to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall ‘What’s that big brass gong for?’ one of the friend’s asked.

‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock’ he drunkenly replied.

‘A talking Maori clock – seriously?’

‘Yup.’ ‘Hmmm (hic).’

‘How’s it work?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Just watch’ he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

‘For fuxxak’s sake, you stupid bastards. It’s ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!’

Topic

Gotta love little girls

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time…

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar ‘pay’ she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.’

‘My goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the house again this week, too?’

The little girl replied, ‘I will if those arseholes at Bunnings ever deliver the f***ing Gyprock…’

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it

:0

In reply to Gotta love little girls

that not nice 😀

I’ve got shares

In reply to :0

in wesfarmers. 😀

Keyboard for Blondes…

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

http://tinyurl.com/5oh9lf

It’s pink, it’s kewl… all it’s missing is the Harley 😀

-Tammy 🙂

WOW

In reply to Keyboard for Blondes…

I know a few people who could benefit from that — is that sad or what

Why can’t they keep it that simple

In reply to Keyboard for Blondes…

and if they add an AnyKey it would be perfect. 😉

My BAD I missed it. It is perfect. 😉

it’s also missing

In reply to Keyboard for Blondes…

nope, it’s not.

Getting old has its compensation…

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are
done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger Is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I
Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was
here already?’

It’s nearly Christmas

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

What do monkeys sing at Christmas
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters

They both drop their needles

What’s Christmas called in England
Yule Britannia

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas
Thanks, I’ll never part with it

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty
Beacause a little water ends both of them

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree

A pineapple

What do you give a train driver for Christmas

Platform shoes

What did the big candle say to the little candle

I’m going out tonight

Whats happens to you at Christmas

Yule be happy

How long does it take to burn a candle down

About a wick

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas
It’s Christmas, Eve

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day

Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month

The letter “D”

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney

Santa Claustrophobia

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve
Black mail

Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents

Santa Paws

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney

Because it soots him

Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents

Elephanta Claus

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down

Stacks

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve

Because he’s Sooty

Poor Kitty

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A bloody nose!!!

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A man is having a problem getting an erection so he goes to see
his doctor. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and finally
decides that he can cure the man.

“There is nothing wrong with you physically,” explains the doctor
“you’re just suffering from ‘performance anxiety.'”

“Well what can I do?” asks the man

“My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach
down between her legs and get a little of her love juice on your
finger and rub it under your nose. This will stimulate your brain
and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep there
will be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is
achieved, wake up your wife and make love to her”

This makes perfect sense to the man and he can’t wait to get home
and try it that night.

After his wife has gone to sleep he follows the doctor’s advice
and reaches down between her legs, gets some of her love juice
and rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute
or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs
some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he
knows he has a full erection. He is so happy he can’t wait to
show his wife and share the good news. He wakes her up and says
excitedly’

“Look honey, look what I have!!”

She rolls over, looks at him and says,

“You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a
bloody nose??”

[i]For those who don’t get it, think about it[/i]

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

BAD BAD Dawg

In reply to A bloody nose!!!

Yes i got it without the need to think. :^0

Col ]:)

;) B-) :^0

In reply to BAD BAD Dawg

.

:0

In reply to A bloody nose!!!

:0

Raw Materials

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she
would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the
class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what
would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,
“I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold
and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam
stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the
sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

Farmer Col ;) :^0

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

One day, Farmer Col is in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an
anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.

Farmer Col, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his
purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.

The livestock clerk says, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” says Farmer Col, and off he goes.

While walking he meets a young woman. She tells him she is lost,
and asks, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

Farmer Col says, “Well, as a matter of fact, I’m going to visit
my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take a short cut and
go down this alley. We’ll save half the time to get there.”

The girl says, “How do I know that when we get into the alley you
won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish
me?”

Farmer Col says, “I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?”

The girl replies, “Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the
chickens.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

*** VIRUS ALERT ***

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

If you receive an email entitled “Fighting Canaries,” delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection…

Stress Management Technique

In reply to *** VIRUS ALERT ***

.
.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
8. See. You’re smiling already.

It works!!!

In reply to Stress Management Technique

I really needed that today! 😀

I went to a funeral once

In reply to Stress Management Technique

and I never seen so many men squirming at the same time, including me. The backdrop was a Waterfall complete with running water. It was a long time before a visit.

Strange thing is that

In reply to I went to a funeral once

[b]SWMBO[/b] said a similar thing to a Surgeon just before being knocked out for an Operation.

Apparently it’s even harder to hold it in in a situation like that. 😀

Col ]:)

What is it with blokes

In reply to Strange thing is that

and the sound of running water. I didn’t realise that it effected women as well. It may have been an anxiety attack. It certainly wouldn’t have been comfortable for her.

Don’t forget

In reply to *** VIRUS ALERT ***

Death from above.

It will turn all your appliances on
It will blow all your surge protectors
It will make every CD/DVD tray, in 20 10 mile radius, go in and out for three days
It will make your computer type dirty words whenever you type anything
It will reverse the polarity of batteries
It will make January 4th come after March 16th
It will make you loose all hair on the right side of your body

Dynamite

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That”s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder”s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That”s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?”

She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

A Very Short Story

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen

Not a pig!

In reply to A Very Short Story

gooey

A Woman’s Random Thoughts

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s
maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14
kids, but she doesn’t really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you
like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body
said, “Listen witch… do it and die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then
they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of
a perfect day.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body
and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health — my thighs kept rubbing together and setting
my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent
is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

One of you did send me this, and I don’t remember who, any how I am forwarding it to all my dear ones. If any one gets it couple of times please excuse me as I have A.A.A D.D.

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I’m going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside

so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I’ll be looking for the remote,

but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn’t washed

the bills aren’t paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don’t have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I’ll try to get some help for it,

but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

About Sex

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

Quotes about sex by famous folks…
Tom Clancy:
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy.”

Steve Martin:
“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

Drew Carey:
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”

Woody Allen:
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner,
you’d better have a good hand.”

Unknown:
“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

Rodney Dangerfield:
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.”

Woody Allen:
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

George Burns:
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

Camille Paglia:
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

George Burns:
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.”

Henry Miller:
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 62 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals.
It’s just that they need more supervision.”

Lynn Lavner:
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL
convertible.”

Ain’t this the truth!

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Ain’t this the truth!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn’t read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

All Female Crew

In reply to Ain’t this the truth!

.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?” When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it’s the box office.”

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
Using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
Timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn’t move and should, Use the WD-40.
If it shouldn’t move And does, use the duct tape.

Duct tape = beest invention ever

In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

😀

Home remedy to coughs

In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

every time you cough, get someone to dunk your head into a bucket of water

or dunk your head in a bucket of water three times, remove it twice :p

You know your wife’s a bad housekeeper

In reply to AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

whenever you go to pee in the sink and it’s ALWAYS full of dirty dishes.

A Weird Quiz and its Scary Answers

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

[b][u]Question 1:[/b][/u]

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.

[b][u] Question 2: [/b][/u]

It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

[b][u] Candidate A: [/b][/u] Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and
drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

[b][u] Candidate B: [/b][/u] He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

[b][u]Candidate C: [/b][/u] He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs.

[b][u][i] Which of these candidates would be your choice?[/b][/u][/i]

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

———————————————————–

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said
yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn’t it?

Makes a person think before judging someone.

[b][i] Remember amateurs built the ark – Professionals built the Titanic.[/b][/i]

Not Beethoven! :0

In reply to A Weird Quiz and its Scary Answers

:0

Anatomy Lesson

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

The father,surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round
& firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions??”

Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, ” Mom,
how many types of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard. In his thrities & forties, It’s like a birch tree,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree??”

“Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

And That’s When the Fight Started

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. “Honey? What’s wrong” I asked.
“Oh, George! Just look at me: I’m getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I’m just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!”
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: “Your vision’s real good, honey. That’s something, isn’t it?”
And that’s when the fight started….

– – –
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
And that’s when the fight started….
– – –
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started….
– – –
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….
– – –
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

Women & Marriage

In reply to And That’s When the Fight Started

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. Second Date: Guy is shot dead. No third date!!!

LEBANESE WOMEN:

First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress Second Date: You will take a loan to keep the image Third Date : Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

First & second place

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to
see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon
around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. She
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around
the dog’s testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The
woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband comes home drunk after being out
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins
snoring very loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to
the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband’s testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman
sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles
into the bathroom to do his business, and as he stands in front
of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into
the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog’s scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says, “Rex old fella, I don’t remember
what the hell happened last night, but wherever we were, we took
first and second place.

Why Some Men Have Dogs, Not Wives

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

A Remarkable Discovery

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.
Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better

Are You Normal?

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions.

Driving

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe – Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you – I doubt it)

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

What We Shouldn’t be Doing

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

Religion

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That’s one Commandment per person on average)

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

49% believe in ESP.

Daily Living

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

Love & Sex

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)

The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″.

56% of men have had sex at work.

60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)

As I’ve Matured

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more
screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re
finished.
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the
real pains in the ass are permanent.

Baby Skunk

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

The wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It
was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “OK, get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.

Being Irish means…

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

* you will never play professional basketball

* you swear very well

* at least one of your cousins holds political office

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn’t a huge difference between losing your temper and killing
someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you have never hit your head on the ceiling

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you’re strangely poetic after a few beers

* you’re poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason…a lot

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary…and one is
Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* someone in your family is incredibly cheap

* it is more than likely you

* you don’t know the words but that doesn’t stop you from singing

* you can’t wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start
talking

* “Irish Stew” is the euphemism for “boiled leftovers from the fridge”

* you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in

talent, you make up for in frequency

* there wasn’t a huge difference between your last wake and your last
kegger party

* you are, or know someone, named “Murph”

* if you don’t know Murph, then you know “Mac”

* if you don’t know Murph or Mac, then you know “Sully”

* you’ll probably also know Sully McMurphy

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local
emergency room

and last but not least… Being Irish means…

* your attention span is so short that—oh, forget it.

Bird Flu Symptoms

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of avian flu. If
you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone’s windshield.

His deepest condolences

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out,but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied: “My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same–she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:
” What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

STOP CHOKING – AUSSIE STYLE

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A woman sitting in a Brisbane Pub suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled ‘No!’, desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?’ asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration ‘Ya know Bluey, I’d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.’

Catholic Vacation

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous”topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, “Good Morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even
saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said, “Good morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute,
young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Mary Katherine.”

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS ……

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

———————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

———————————————————————-

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

———————————————————————

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

———————————————————————-

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

———————————————————————-

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.? “I’ve

been divorced three times.”

——————————————————————-

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation,

“I now pronounce you man and wife.”

——————————————————————-

Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

——————————————————————-

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

——————————————————————-

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

——————————————————————-

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

——————————————————————-

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

——————————————————————-

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

————————————————————————

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

——————————————————————-

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

——————————————————————-

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.

What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

——————————————————————-

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

“Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”

———————————————————————-

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?”

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

“Take the poison.”

UH OH

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the Admiral asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
“Thanks,” says the Admiral, “I just need one copy…”

CINDERELLA

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.
.
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.
“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very
satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your
diaphragm was supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter, something or other….”

The Virgin Father

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest. The grass was very
thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.

He approached the Father to ask for payment and the priest paid
him $1.00.

The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest replied, “What did you say?”

The boy repeated, “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest asked him, “Do you know what that means?”

The boy replied, “Yes…. tight ass!”

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart the next time you’re making love. send send send send send…………….
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.

but I could only send it to

In reply to **WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

4999 people in 20 seconds!

Are you a Blonde :D

In reply to but I could only send it to

😀

no…

In reply to Are you a Blonde :D

😀

Be Yourself !

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A man was complaining, “Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish ‘switch me into my wife’ she’s got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man’s life is.”

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.

Next morning the ‘new woman’ wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market.

It was 1: 00 o’clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school and then had an argument with the kids.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside.

He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 p.m. he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again, “Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can’t take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.”

Then he heard God’s voice speaking to him, saying, “Dear son, of course I’ll switch you back into yourself but there’s one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.”

Hot Air

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.
” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be a programmer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman,
“How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.

” The woman below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going”
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow “it’s my fault.”

I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work …..

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn’t you know it!
He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, “I’m NOT fucking happy!”
So I said, “Which fucking one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started. …

I would have said “Oops, sorry about that Grumpy” now don’t be an ashhole

In reply to I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work …..

:^0

Your right, but in hindsite

In reply to I would have said “Oops, sorry about that Grumpy” now don’t be an ashhole

I had six to choose from. :p

I laughed so much when I read that one my boy thought that I had lost it. 😉

The 4 Stages of a Mans Life

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don’t believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause

How NOT To Become Australian

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this “Chinese customs”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another “Chinese custom”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cow’s arse (or bottom for you ladies).

The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow’s arse, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice) “Sorry sir, you do not understand, these aren’t Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs.”

“What do you mean mate” says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”

“Yes they are”, replied the Chinese man, “for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit.”

I like that one so much that I’ve sent 2,000 copies to some Chinese Friends

In reply to How NOT To Become Australian

No Text.

End Of Message :p

This sounds familiar

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1st November 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will

be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over ?10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

——————————————————————————————————————

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2nd November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘ Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding a note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name.

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody HELP!

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that ?10.00 is too much money and Management believe ?10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

PS: wtf is “halal” someone explain please?

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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy

bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets,

Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food

first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’ desserts.

Nuts!!

NO I can’t guarantee the food will not have been in contact with nuts at any time during its production.

Nuts….NUTS, NUTS

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2005

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this f****** party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too; They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them SCREAM.

I’m hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.

The B!tch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John, – Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

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IMPORTANT: This message is private and confidential. If you have received this message in error, please notify us and remove it from your system. Unless otherwise stated, the statements contained herein are those of the individual and not the Company and no legal responsibility is accepted by the Company for such statements. Messages sent to and from us may be monitored.

Housekeeping Monthly 13 May 1955

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

The good wife’s guide

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take i5 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before he arrives.

* Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel that he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

* Be happy to see him.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

* Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

* Don’t complain if he is late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

* Make him comfortabe. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

* Arrange gis pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

* A good wife always knows her place.

Talking of bushes

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, “Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?” The man didn’t answer.
He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, “Moses!” in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, “Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. “Well,” said the president, “Every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!” Again the president yelled, “Moses!” and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, “You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?” The man leaned over and whispered back, “Shhhh!
Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.”

10 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

.

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out

3. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”.

8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis

Mind your Knitting!

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was
new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. After six months he
complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following
Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she
took off her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He
said, pointing top his own pits,

“Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!”

She responded, “In the U.S. it’s customary and fashionable to
shave our underarms.”

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks
and he noticed that her legs are shaved also.

He repeated, “Vomen in the old country have wool – they have
wool!”

Once more, she said, “In the U.S. it’s customary and fashionable
to shave our legs.”

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw
that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again,

“Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!”

She then asked in loud voice, “Look buddy, did you want to screw
or knit?”

The Big Winner???

In reply to Early cause it’s my friday YUK

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the
casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the craps table,
the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse
suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors,
and steps into a three-room suite. The room is nothing but
windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag
on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the
city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his
good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the
clerk to send up one of the best high- priced call girls in the
city.

Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens
it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long
blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the
room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives
one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. “Now, down to
business,” he says, “how much for a hand job?”

The hooker says, “Honey, a hand job is $500.00”

“What, $500! That’s outrageous!”

“Come over here,” She says walking toward one of the windows,
“see that strip mall over there,” pointing out the window, “I own
the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores
with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty
damn good.”

“All right, screw it, money is no object.”

A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch
reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two
more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
“That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow
job?”

“Honey, a blow job is $5,000.00.”

“What, $5,000! That’s outrageous!”

“Come over here,” She says walking toward another one of the
windows, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner,”
pointing out the window, “I own that, I was able to buy it with
the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn
good.

“All right, screw it, money is no object.” The guy gives her $5,
000.00.

An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head
rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool
coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to
stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one
to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

“My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta
know, how much for some pu$$y?”

The hooker looks at him and says, ” Honey, if I had a pu$$y, I’d
own this whole town.”

[Author]

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