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Early Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Well it is only thursday here, but one can expect Colin to start on about how it's Friday on the other haf of the world. So to refrain from upsetting my dear brothers and sisters so far away;

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:? Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."


Happy Fursday!

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And all we have here is...

by CfK In reply to Early Friday Yuk

A piffling 5.5 earthquake that I missed because I was on the commuter bus, an average day with lot's of sun and wind, and a long weekend coming up.
Ahh well life is so hard in the warm South Seas!

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Sherlock Holmes joke.

by jardinier In reply to Early Friday Yuk

As I recall, that joke won (or at least came close to the top) of an international joke competition.

I love it.

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Yeah I like it too

by Oz_Media In reply to Sherlock Holmes joke.

Especially being an avid camper/all around outdoors kinda guy!

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To be fair OZ I alway give you until 1.30 AM Saturday Local Time

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Early Friday Yuk

To allow you time to place the "Promised" Friday Yuk. I know I'm the best part of a day ahead of you guys the wrong side of the "International Date Line" but if I can not even get first crack at answering a question as The Chas has always been there first I only think it fair that you should have got something in by midday you local time.

Anyway this week here is my contribution:-

The Engineer in Hell


AN engineer dies and shows up at the pearly gates and is confronted by St Peter. St Peter asks him what he did for a living and he replied I?m an Engineer, St Peter looks at his list and says ?Your not supposed to be here? so the engineer goes down the steeps to hell where he is admitted without question.

After a few days the engineer decides it is far too hot so he installs Air Conditioning to bring the temperature down to a quite tolerable level. Then he starts looking around for other things he can install to make his life easier. He notices that there are a lot of hills so he installs escalators to get up and down the hills then because of the distances involved he installs moving walkways to get to places without expending any effort. Within 2 month he has Hell a a paradise and loves it there along with everyone else. Even Satan makes him head of all works in Hell and gives him a work crew so he can install things faster, it very soon gets to the stage where everyone in Hell loves the place and want more and better constructions.

In the next 3 months he has every one satisfied and they can think of nothing else that needs doing, as by this time he has all the modern conveniences installed and the people in Hell can get what they want when they want it, everyone is extremely happy.

Six months latter God rings Satan and asks how things are going in Hell Satan replies well they where always good but since you sent us that engineer this place is better than heaven and we now have a waiting list for people to get in as we can not handle the influx of new comers.

God replies where did you get an engineer from? Satan replies well you sent him to us. God then demands that the engineer be returned to heaven and all his work removed Satan refuses and says Well you can not get in here because of the crowds and what exactly do you think you can do as I want to keep him here. God replies well if you will not return him to me I?ll Sue to which Satan laughs and replies ?And just where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from??


Have a good week end and don't work too hard!

Col

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Daffynitions

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Early Friday Yuk

Cynic: A guy who upon smelling the flowers immediately looks around for a funeral.
Pessimist: this is a guy who wakes up with his nose in his wife's armpit and is afraid to open his eyes.
Optimist: This guy always says things can get worse and he's right; they do.

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Off Topic for Oz

by Bob in Calgary In reply to Early Friday Yuk

Hey Oz
I heard you have another storm on the way 4 more days of rain and up to 200mm of precip for the island. Keep dry and watch out for landslides.

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Landslides?

by Oz_Media In reply to Off Topic for Oz

Sounds lik esomeone saw the news of the North Shore!

A friend of mine actually lives on Mt. Seymour and his house was less than half a block from the slide, close call!!

There is a huge problem with insurance too for those guys, they were told not to cut trees in the area in order to clear land, the cliff relies of thei root structures. It is a question of whether due to NEW building, which was restricted but went forth anyway, or rennovations to existing homes. Note: That is a fairly wealthy area, and the homes are not little cheap boxes but 3/4 million +.

As for here in Hardy, it was a little wet but is dry and sunny now, even though it's supposed to rain and probably will withing hours. The weather here will be completely different than 10 minutes down the highway. It's prety sheltered, being in the NOrth East corner of the Island but it comes and goes in minutes, much as you're used to!

Local forcasts predict 5 - 10 Cm over the next few days, we haven't seen anything odd. Just a bit of rain from day to day, no storms yet. Perhaps why the whales choose this area too!

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Downsizing

by jdclyde In reply to Early Friday Yuk

Subject: Downsizing!
Dear Loyal Employees:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management

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Complaints?

by jdmercha In reply to Downsizing

And if you are having trouble with the new company policies, you can contact Ms Waite in our complaints deparment. Helen will be sure to give your concerns her expert attention. So if you have any problems at all you can just go to Helen Waite.

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pilots

by maecuff In reply to Early Friday Yuk

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white stick.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die.

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