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  • #2165824

    Friday Double-Yuck

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    by charliespencer ·

    Is there any point in giving a wedgie to someone who’s already wearing a thong?

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    • #2767698

      yes!!

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      after all, picking them up by their shorts inflicts pain in the front, not just discomfort in the rear. ]:)

      • #2767654

        ROFL :^0

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to yes!!

        .

    • #2767690

      Bank Robber

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

      He shouts ‘this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!’ and proceeds to
      empty the cash drawers.
      As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
      his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
      and shouts. ‘Did anybody else here see my face?’
      The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
      goes over and shoots him in the head also.
      ‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.
      There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
      distant corner.

      ‘I think my missus caught a glimpse.’

      • #2767688

        Knowing The Time

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Bank Robber

        There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

        The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

        One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?”

        The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

        “It’s about 2:00”, he says.

        The tourist can’t believe what he just saw.

        He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

        “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s genitals!”

        One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

        He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

        He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s genitals.

        The local says “Sit down here and grab the camel’s genitals”. “Now, lift them up in the air.

        Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.”

        • #2767685

          Forbidden Fish

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Knowing The Time

          A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

          The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

          The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

          “Pet fish?!” the warden asked.

          “Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

          “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

          The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

          “OK. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

          “Well, What?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.

          “Call who back?” The man asked.

          “The fish.” replied the warden.

          “What fish?” The man asked.

        • #2767684

          English Prisoner

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Forbidden Fish

          An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off.”

          The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”

          The German replied, “Ya, that vill not be a problem.”

          A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”

          “Ya, that will be done,” says the German.

          The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before.”

          The German replies, ” ya.”

          The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just…”

          The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!.”

        • #2767003

          :^0 >groan<

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to English Prisoner

          Silly me. I was expecting a variation on Art, Bob, Matt… :^0 :^0

      • #2767679

        Absolute Governmental Authority

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Bank Robber

        A U.S. Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch
        and talked with an old rancher.

        He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for your
        water allocation.”

        The old rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over
        there.”

        The Water representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of
        the Federal Government with me.

        See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
        on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
        Have I made myself clear?
        Do you understand?”

        The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

        Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
        running for the fence and close behind was the rancher’s bull.

        The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

        The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately
        threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out…..

        “Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

        • #2767678

          Hospital Charts

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Absolute Governmental Authority

          Actual writings on hospital charts:

          1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
          states she was very hot in bed last night.

          2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
          over a year.

          3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
          day it disappeared.

          4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
          appears to be depressed.

          5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
          in 1993.

          6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

          7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
          alert but forgetful.

          8. The patient refused autopsy.

          9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

          10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
          hospital.

          11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably
          insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
          three days.

          12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
          lunch.

          13. She is numb from her toes down.

          14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

          15. The skin was moist and dry.

          16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

          17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

          18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

          19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
          her life, until she got a divorce.

          20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
          for physical therapy.

          21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
          accommodation.

          22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
          sized.

          23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

          24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
          took a job as a stock broker instead.

          25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

          26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

          27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
          we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

          28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

          29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
          abnormalities.

        • #2767676

          Number 18

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Hospital Charts

          Yikes..thats gotta be painful ]:)

        • #2767000

          :^0 Thanks for those.

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Hospital Charts

          #19
          Don’t ask. :^0 :^0

        • #2766967

          haha

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to :^0 Thanks for those.

          I suffered from that as well!! 🙂

        • #2768231

          :^0 :^0

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Absolute Governmental Authority

          Some people just dont listen, or ask why? when they should :^0

    • #2767671

      A bit naughty

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam:
      – “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
      I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
      or a death in your immediate family but that’s it! NO other excuses
      whatsoever!”
      A smarty student in the back of the room, raised his hand and asks:
      – “What would you say if tomorrow i said i was suffering from complete and
      utter sexual exhaustion?”
      The entire class does their best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
      When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
      shakes her head, and sweetly says:
      – “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

      • #2767667

        Understandable

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to A bit naughty

        I asked a little girl: “Do you know why we get out of school for Labor Day?”

        She was very enthusiastic to say “It is a time when all the mommys of the world go into labor”

        • #2767665

          She was so dumb

          by charliespencer ·

          In reply to Understandable

          she thought ‘Manual Labor’ was a Mexican obstetrician.

        • #2768127

          I used to live upstairs from him

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to She was so dumb

          Manuel LaBor, that is! 🙂

          He was a Brazilian student at U Cal Riverside when I was stationed at March AFB. He enjoyed the joke and readily responded when Anglos mis-pronounced his name.

      • #2767663

        Different line

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to A bit naughty

        There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

        When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

        He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

        • #2767660

          One for the management

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Different line

          A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

          “Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

          The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

          The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

          “That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

          “That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

          “And what does that one do?” the man asked.

          The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

        • #2767659

          If live could ever be this simple

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to One for the management

          If Life Were Like A Computer:

          You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

          You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

          You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

          You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

          You could click on ?find? (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

          To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

          If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

        • #2768228

          Or, you could wake up and

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to If live could ever be this simple

          find that you have an I/O error
          Bad or missing partition
          Missing or corrupt boot file

        • #2768223

          I always hated that one

          by charliespencer ·

          In reply to If live could ever be this simple

          “If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!”

          But you wouldn’t know any more than you did to begin with, and would just make the same mistakes.

        • #2768218

          But some mistakes are

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I always hated that one

          better forgotton

        • #2766104

          No just use System Restore to make yourself younger!! :D (NT)

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I always hated that one

          🙂

        • #2767657

          More to this line

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Different line

          Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.

          “If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,? boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

          Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

          “Sure,? says the General Motors CEO. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!”

    • #2767617

      its like a dang morge in here

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      come on people..laugh it up

      • #2768240

        morgue?

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to its like a dang morge in here

        ~perk~

        • #2768236

          Let’s not go there

          by gsg ·

          In reply to morgue?

          I used to have to manage equipment in the autopsy room. The pathologist dictated as he was “working” and gunk would get on the bio-cover over the keypad. I’d have to gown and glove just to get the covers off to work on the equipment.

          I refused to do it until they had the bodies in the cubbyholes where I couldn’t see them, but one day one of them walked in with a severed leg. I almost passed out.

        • #2768112

          :0

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to Let’s not go there

          One of the bodies walked in with a severed leg?

          :^0 :^0

          This may just be the funniest sentence yet today! 😉 :p

        • #2767033

          Oops…

          by gsg ·

          In reply to :0

          I meant to say that a Pathologist walked in carrying a severed leg.

          Glad I could at least brighten your day with my typo!

          I live to serve.

      • #2768225

        Morge??

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to its like a dang morge in here

        is that like Marge?
        Barge?
        ok, I am laughing it up — At You :^0 :^0

        • #2766965

          ah..come on

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Morge??

          you got the idea..

    • #2768233

      :^0

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      yes, to teach them how stupid they are :^0

      if you do it, do it well, where they need surgery to remove it and likely cannot replicate further 😀

    • #2768215

      There certainly is!

      by captbilly1eye ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      When I floss my teeth and have to get deep into the crevices, I push harder.

      Therefore, as a thong is in all actuality just butt floss, a firm wedgie would effectively remove any deeply imbedded…. well… you fill in the blank.
      🙂

    • #2768194

      Depends

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      on what color it is, and what color(s) you want it to be.

      • #2768191

        He said Thong not Depends

        by captbilly1eye ·

        In reply to Depends

        The image of giving some poor elderly person a wedgie will now haunt me all weekend.

    • #2768190

      I’m so confused….

      by captbilly1eye ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      There appears to be two yuks. Oh… wait… this one is a ‘yuck’.

      I saw the other one first and posted there.
      http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=301125&messageID=3009414

      I’m so confused, my head hurts.
      going home now.

      .

      Have a great weekend everyone!

    • #2768125

      Who wrote that

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      This bloke with Tourette’s Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
      restaurant in town.

      ‘Where’s the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking
      arsewipe?’ he inquires of one of the waiters.

      The waiter is taken-aback and replies, ‘Excuse me sir but could
      you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I
      will get the manager as soon as I can’.

      The manager comes over and the bloke asks, ‘Are you the f*cking
      manager of this b*stard place?’

      ‘Yes sir, I am,’ replies the manager, ‘but I would prefer it if
      you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a
      private restaurant’.

      ‘F*ck off’ replies the bloke ‘and where’s the f*cking piano?’

      ‘Pardon?’ says the manager.

      ‘F*cking deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of
      shit, show me your c*nting piano.’

      ‘Ah,’ replies the manager, ‘you’ve come about the pianist job’
      and he shows the bloke to the piano. ‘Can you play any blues?’

      ‘Of course I f*cking can,’ and the bloke proceeds to play the
      most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the
      manager has ever heard.

      ‘That’s superb. What’s it called?’

      ‘I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept
      Hurting My Dick,’ replies the bloke.

      The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any
      jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo
      the manager has ever heard.

      ‘Magnificent,’ cries the manager. ‘What’s it called?’

      ‘I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
      Caught In The Soap Drawer’.

      The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
      romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking
      melody the manager has ever heard, ‘And what’s this called?’ asks
      the manager.

      ‘As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off
      Your Hairy Ring-Piece,’ replies the bloke.

      The manager is highly upset by the bloke’s language but offers
      him the job on condition that he doesn’t introduce any of his
      songs or talk to any of the customers.

      This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one
      night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
      ever laid his eyes on.

      She’s wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost
      falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little
      ‘G’ string she’s wearing is doing very little to conceal her
      ample charms. She’s sitting there with her legs slightly open,
      sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is
      dripping down her chin.

      The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the
      Gents to masturbate. He’s tugging away furiously when he hears
      the manager’s voice.

      ‘Where’s that b*stard pianist?’

      He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs
      back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly,
      sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

      The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
      whispers in his ear,

      ‘Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers
      and dripping spunk on your shoes?’

      ‘Know it?’ the bloke replies ‘I f*cking wrote it.’
      _______________________________________________________________

      • #2766964

        :)

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Who wrote that

        rofl… 🙂

      • #2766587

        I’m glad my door was closed

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to Who wrote that

        When I read that, or my staff would think I’ve gone bonkers somehow.

        James

      • #2766085

        It should not be funny, but it is. :D

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Who wrote that

        Really, made me laugh. Very good

    • #2768123

      TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE “F” WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      .
      “What the *&%# was that?”
      – Mayor of Hiroshima

      “Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?”
      – Custer

      “Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that.”
      – Einstein

      “It does SO *&%#ing look like her!”
      – Picasso

      “How the *&%# did you work that out?”
      – Pythagoras

      “You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?”
      – Michelangelo

      “I don’t suppose it’s gonna *&%#ing rain.”
      – Joan of Arc

      “Scattered *&%#ing showers…my ass!”
      – Noah

      “I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!”
      -JFK 1)

      “Aw, c’mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?”
      – Bill Clinton

    • #2766970

      Potential SCAM

      by rob miners ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Hi all,

      I’m not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

      I walked into Bunning’s hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

      Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the bastard out.

      Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning to all your friends!

    • #2766814

      Need a lift???

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to
      Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
      steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot
      seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite
      the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only
      his kilt and his tweed shirt.

      At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
      absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion … heart
      stopping. The car driver’s attention is dragged from the girl
      when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the
      seat onto the road.

      “Right, you” he shouts, “I want you to masturbate”

      “but … ” stammers the driver

      “Now … or I’ll bloody kill you”

      So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
      starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this
      only takes a few seconds.

      “Right” shouts the highlander “Do it again!”

      “but … ” says the driver.

      “Now!! … ” he bellows.

      So the driver does it again.

      “Right, do it again” demands the highlander.

      This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
      arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind,
      has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable
      to walk.

      “Do it again” says the highlander.

      “I just can’t do it any more – you’ll just have to kill me,”
      whimpers the man.

      The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the
      roadside.

      “All right,” he says, “can you give my daughter a lift to
      Inverness?”

    • #2766809

      Women In Achieving Equality Throughout The World……….

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
      Equality Throughout The World……….

      Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Iraq several
      years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
      walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

      She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now
      walked several yards behind their wives.

      Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is
      marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
      here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

      “Land mines,” said the Iraqi woman.

    • #2766785

      A Study of Women

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      .

      A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

      For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

      If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

    • #2766720

      Nine Words Women Use

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

      (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

      (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

      (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

      (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

      (6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

      (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

      (8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get lost ….

      (9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

    • #2766675

      Sex Frogs.

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      An attractive young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an
      ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of
      frogs.

      The sign says:

      “SEX FROGS – Only $20 each! Comes with full instructions.”

      The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She
      whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll TAKE one!”

      As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, “Just follow the
      instructions!”

      The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

      As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
      instruction leaflet and reads it very carefully. She does EXACTLY
      what is specified:

      1. Take a shower.
      2. Splash on some nice perfume.
      3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
      4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog
      to do what he has been trained to do.

      She follows the instructions and then quickly gets into bed with the frog
      but to her dismay …… NOTHING happens!
      The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point ……
      She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
      leaflet it states:
      “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store without delay.”

      So, she calls the pet store. The man says, “I’m sorry …..I’ll be right over.”
      Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in
      and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions but the
      wretched frog just SITS there!”

      The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
      into its eyes and STERNLY says to it:

      “LISTEN TO ME!!! I’m only going to show you how to do this
      ONE … MORE … TIME!!!”

      • #2766641

        Sex Frogs, Part II

        by charliespencer ·

        In reply to Sex Frogs.

        Dorothy’s house is picked up by the tornado and dropped on a witch in Munchkinland. The grateful Munchkin’s honor her but all she really wants is to go home to Kansas. They point out the path to the Emerald City and the wish-granting Wizard, but it’s an awfully long way and she’d really like to cut out the trip, talking trees, flying monkeys, etc. Isn’t there a faster way?

        “Well,” say the mayor in a whispered voice, “we’re not supposed to tell people this, but there’s a magic frog under those shrubs that will grant wishes. The problem is that you must, uh, … gratify him orally, then state your wish.”

        Dorothy, never having spent an idle hour or three behind the barn with the farm hands, is a bit put off by this, but it is a very long trip to the Wizard’s place, and the frog is right here, and she does so want to go back to Auntie Em. She pokes around in the shrubbery and spots a small froag with an enormous lemon colored schwanzstucker. She bends her head to the task and within a few seconds the toad reaches his gratifications. Dorothy gags and spits repeatedly, then coughs out “I want to go home to Kansas! There’s no place like home!”

        Nothing happens. She turns on the mayor and demands to know why she’s still here. “I sorry, I didn’t make the instructions clear. Try again, and this time, …

        “Swallow the yellow dicked toad!”

        • #2766590

          It seems

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Sex Frogs, Part II

          that the long forgotten impure brigade is back :0

        • #2766565

          thankfully..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to It seems

          its been pretty boring around here lately!! everyone behaving all nice and stuff.. 🙁

        • #2766552

          Yeah, all nice and stuff

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to thankfully..

          just like Scummy telling over 20 people this month how to off themselves (nicely though)
          and even had a post — edited :0
          ok, it was by request because of complaints by big dumba$$ losers who take offense to being called shltbags

        • #2766551

          ah man..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Yeah, all nice and stuff

          i mean really..some sh!tbags have no sense of humour..

        • #2766546

          That’s all I am saying :)

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to ah man..

          why do shltbags take offense when I call them shltbags???
          I just dont get it, do they cry to their mommies and say that someone is being mean to them, and have their mommies complain to TR???

        • #2766296

          Well well …

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to ah man..

          If, like you say “[b]some[/b] sh!tbags have no sense of houmour” … then … there are sh!tbags that do have a sense of homour :^0 😉

          So there is still hope for me
          [i]yes before [b]you[/b] kick my $ss over this one[/i] 😀 😉

        • #2766288

          :)

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to ah man..

          Who’s kickin who’s @ss ??

          And yes, there’s always hope Rob.. ]:)

        • #2766268

          Nice :)

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to ah man..

          come back Shellbot 😉 I like that. ]:)
          [i]accept for the @ss kickin[/i]

          Nice to notice you still got yours B-)

    • #2766452

      The meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came
      down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest
      town.

      “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the
      Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

      “We got her” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second
      room on the right.”

      The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
      hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the
      stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and
      yelled,

      “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest hooker in the
      Yukon.”

      The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You
      found her!”

      Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

      “How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

      “I don’t replied the hooker, “but I thought you might want to
      open those beers first.”

    • #2766450

      “…and what will your third wish be?” :^0

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
      popped up out of his ashtray.

      “…and what will your third wish be?”

      The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting
      a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

      “You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your
      second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
      before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
      because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
      You now have one wish left.”

      “Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck.
      I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s
      going on inside their heads.”

      “Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
      forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

    • #2767388

      7 degrees of Blonde

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      .

      FIRST DEGREE

      A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

      The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

      The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

      SECOND DEGREE

      Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

      The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’

      So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

      The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

      THIRD DEGREE

      A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

      The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

      The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

      FOURTH DEGREE

      A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, .. I know ’em all.’

      A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’

      The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy . it’s W.’

      FIFTH DEGREE

      Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

      A: ‘Is it mine?’

      SIXTH DEGREE

      Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .’

      SEVENTH DEGREE

      Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked t o find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and re port ed the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

      As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

    • #2766007

      A redneck in heat! ;)

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within
      a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very aggressive and
      difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian
      determined the problem: she was in heat and wouldn’t calm down
      until her sexual needs had been met.

      “What do we do?” There was no male of this species available.
      While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
      Cletus, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.

      Now Cletus, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy
      any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators
      thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice
      Cletus to satisfy the female gorilla.

      So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to
      screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

      Cletus replied that he might be interested, but would have to
      think the matter over.

      The following day, Cletus announced that he would accept their
      offer, but only under three conditions:

      “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her.”

      “Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result
      from this union.”

      The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but
      what was the third?

      “Well,” said Cletus, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with
      the five hundred bucks.”

    • #2766005

      Drug rehab

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
      appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

      The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to
      give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go
      out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and
      get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court
      Monday.”

      Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st
      one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

      “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
      forever.”

      “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

      “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this – O o
      …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
      and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

      “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, (to the 2nd boy)
      how did you do?”

      “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
      forever.”

      “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

      “Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles)… I said,
      (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before
      prison . . .”

    • #2768490

      Oops. You mean we need those too?

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      http://www.crunchgear.com/2009/02/05/uk-spends-billions-on-high-tech-ids-forgets-to-buy-card-readers/

      Man, is search ever messed up. Once the Yuk falls off of the front page good luck finding it again. The only way I found this was by going to Dawgs forum posts.

      Maybe it’s just me.

      • #2768482

        :D :D :D

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Oops. You mean we need those too?

        Too funny!

        It’s not just you…
        Gotta know who’s posting where and be able to get into My Workspace to find anything that fell off front page. :0

        • #2768481

          There you are. :D

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to :D :D :D

          What was the purpose of the latest ‘upgrade’ to this site again? Anyone have any idea?

        • #2768473

          To

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to There you are. :D

          separate the wheat from the chaff.
          I wonder if the wheat is who they think it was. 😀 😀 😀

        • #2768413
          Avatar photo

          RE: [i]What was the purpose of the latest ‘upgrade’ to this site again?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to There you are. :D

          Quite simple really it was time and it’s been about 12 months since the last Site Upgrade so it was rolled out.

          Doesn’t matter that they have yet to fix all the faults introduced by the upgrade 3 versions or more ago it was time to Revamp the Site so they Rolled out the Newest and Latest not to mention [b]Beast Upgrade[/b] and now we are all suffering the shortsighted Project Managers Vision. :^0

          Just like any other unnecessary Upgrade really. It’s done because it’s there and there isn’t a single good reason to do it other than we have a new Build so it must be better than the last so [b]Roll It Out.[/b] 😀

          Perhaps the Project Manager responsible at ZD Net should read some of the Articles about how to get that Project back on Track or perhaps all of those articles where only written because the project had gone tot he Dogs in such a big way that something good needed to come out of it as the Redesign certainly wasn’t an Improvement. 🙂

          Don’t you just [i][u][b]Love[/i][/u][/b] what Microsoft has brought about if it looks as if it may work that’s good enough. We don’t want to do it properly because that’s expensive and unnecessary and who’ll notice anyway?

          So who is the CEO of CBS and should we start sending in complaints to that person? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2768309

          Makes sense.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to RE: [i]What was the purpose of the latest ‘upgrade’ to this site again?

          We’ve got some code just sitting here, lets use it. I can see it happening. It’s about like how Scumdog has been complaining about crappy commercial software upgrades. Same idea, different format.

          I’ll virtually guarantee that the CEO of CBS doesn’t give a crap about my little opinion so I’m not going to bother him/her with it. I’ll just grin and bear it and occasionally complain about things as I see fit.

          I wonder how much time the person responsible for okaying the forum changes has actually spent in the forums. I’d like to know but, as always, getting the insiders view is impossible. We’re just numbers on a chart after all. Numbers that have no voice worth listening to. And now is when someone from CBS chimes in and tells us how important we are. Blah blah blah.

    • #2768471

      Gotta love the RIAA

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      • #2768426

        It’s obvious what’s going on at the RIAA

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to Gotta love the RIAA

      • #2768411
        Avatar photo

        Sounds perfectly reasonable to me

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Gotta love the RIAA

        After all the RIAA isn’t in the business of allowing people to do as they please with what they buy they have to be controlled so that the Record Industry can make Ackers of Money.

        Here there was a Precedent Case set which they lost and it would have had long reaching consequences against them for a very long time to come it may have even put then out of Business completely.

        So no matter that they lost the case they are now punishing the Winner in the only way that they know how through the Courts.

        After the original purpose of the First Literation was to Punish the Woman in question and when she only wasted a small amount of her time and money defending their [b]Vexatious Action[/b] the Defendant didn’t suffer enough so they by bringing this [b]More Vexatious Case[/b] hope to hand out a sufficient Punishment to prevent any body doing something that the RIAA sees as against their best interests.

        I would however love to see a Judge declare the RIAA as a [b]Vexatious Litigant[/b] then any further Actions that they may hope to bring will never be accepted by the Courts because the RIAA has been declared a [b]Vexatious Litigant[/b] who are only interested in wasting the Courts Time with no real belief that they will receive any relief from their Claimed Injuries. :^0

        It was however very silly of the Defense Attorney to post that on his Blog and he really deserves to be hauled over the coals for doing so. But his client should not be persecuted for her Defense Councils stupidity. 🙂

        Col

    • #2768322
    • #2770012

      Batteries aren’t included

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
      obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
      asks “Have you got the time?”

      Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
      “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

      “Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

      Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention
      of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him
      a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world,
      but for the 86 largest metropolises.

      He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
      says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A
      few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
      Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The
      display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
      astounding.

      The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”,
      says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-
      resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The
      flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,”
      explains Jake.

      “Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of
      eastern New York state.

      “I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

      “Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the
      bugs”, says the inventor.

      “But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch
      is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital
      tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
      meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive
      of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-
      size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so
      far” says Jake.

      “I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

      “No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”

      “I’ll give you $1,000 for it!”

      “Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”

      “I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”

      “But it’s just not…”

      “I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a
      checkbook.

      Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials
      and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
      have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
      frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
      him.

      “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
      Take it or leave it.”

      Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off
      the watch.

      They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

      “Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
      around warily.

      Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle
      through the bus station.

      “Don’t forget your batteries.”
      _______________________________________________________________

    • #2770010

      What a letdown

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to
      see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes
      suppositories twice a day.

      When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is
      concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom,
      bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up
      the target.

      All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

      “Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “it’s only me.”

    • #2770004

      WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      .

      1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length
      and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

      2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

      3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

      4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence – check with
      ground-owner.

      5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
      Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as
      a council dumping ground.

      6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

      7. Don’t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
      never mention pitches previously visited.

      8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

      9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest
      calling the game off, possibly even contact the coroner.

      10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman
      at the back.

      11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

      12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
      Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the
      tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste
      in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of
      the ground.

      13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

      14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

      15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly
      absorbent goalie.

      16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

      17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however
      there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces, which
      don’t get hosed down as often as they should.

      18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

      19. Be wary of grounds with room for team buses.

      20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies
      football two evenings a week.

      21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up
      to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the
      owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

      22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club,
      before being allowed to play on the turf.

      23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before
      (or at least hasn’t had many visits). That said, well used
      grounds may have better atmosphere

    • #2769703

      Scottish Classifieds – ‘Lonely Hearts’.

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
      Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

      Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

      Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.=2 0Box 73/82.

      Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fianc?e seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

      Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87

      Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life’s beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

      Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 3/45

      Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

      Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and ritual slaughtering of animals in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

      Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton’s Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
      Seeks nostalgic man who’s not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

      Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm!

      • #2774940

        :D :D :D

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Scottish Classifieds – ‘Lonely Hearts’.

        [i]Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fianc?e seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41[/i]

        Too funny, OM. :0

    • #2774957

      Screw???? ;) :^0

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge
      for a door at home. As she takes it to the counter, the clerk
      asks,

      “Wanna screw for that hinge?”

      To which she replies,

      “No, but I’ll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf.”

    • #2774950

      I don’t care if these are all politically incorrect.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Yes Pecan!

      Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has released a new flavor, “YES PECAN!”, to commemmorate Barack Obama’s inauguration. (It has “Amber Waves of Buttery Ice Cream With Roasted Non-Partisan Pecans”, according to their announcement.)

      Supposedly (I doubt it), according to an e-mail going around, they asked for other flavor suggestions to commemorate George W. Bush’s term in office. Their supposed favorites:

      Grape Depression
      Housing Crunch
      Abu Grape
      Cluster Fudge
      Nut’n Accomplished
      Iraqi Road
      Chock ‘n Awe
      WireTapioca
      Impeach Cobbler
      Guantanmallow
      imPeachmint
      Heck of a Job, Brownie!
      NeoconPolitan
      RockyRoad to Socialism
      Cookie D’oh!
      Nougalar Proliferation
      Death by Chocolate… and Torture
      Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
      Credit Crunch
      Mission Pecanplished
      Country Pumpkin
      Chunky Monkey in Chief
      WMDelicious
      Chocolate Chimp
      Bloody Sundae
      Caramel Preemptive Stripe
      and…

      I Broke the Law and Am Responsible for the Deaths of Thousands… With Nuts

      – – –

      Your Choice in Entertainment

      Problem: Two entertainment products are for sale. Which to buy? The Titanic DVD or Bill Clinton’s book, My Life?

      Titanic: $29.99
      My Life: $29.99

      Titanic: Over 3 hours to watch
      My Life: Over 3 hours to read

      Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
      My Life: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

      Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
      My Life: Bill is a bu11schit artist

      Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
      My Life: Ditto for Bill

      Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined
      My Life: Ditto for Monica

      Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
      My Life: Let’s not go there

      Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
      My Life: Monica’s forced to return her gifts

      Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
      My Life: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack

      Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
      My Life: Monica— ooh, let’s not go there, either

      Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
      My Life: Bill goes home to Hillary (so, basically the same)

      So what’s your choice?

      – – – – – – – – – –

      Somebody Else Won

      Poor John Kerry….

      He throws away someone else’s medals.

      He drives someone else’s SUV.

      He married someone else’s wife.

      He inherited someone else’s money.

      And now, he’s only eligible to be president of someone else’s country.

      – – – – – – – –

      What You Must Believe to be a Good Democrat
      You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
      You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
      You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
      You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
      You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.
      You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
      You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
      You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
      You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
      You have to believe that self esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
      You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
      You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
      You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
      You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
      You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
      You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
      You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
      You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
      You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
      You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
      You have to believe that the posting of this list is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

      – – – – – – – – – –

      Are You Democrat or Republican?
      Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Here’s a little test to help you decide:

      You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

      What do you do?

      Democrat’s Answer

      Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

      Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

      Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?

      We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

      This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

      Republican’s Answer

      BANG! BANG!

      Extra Credit: Southern Republican’s Answer:

      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click…..(sounds of reloading).

      BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

      Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silvertips or Federal Hydra-Shoks?”

      – – – – – – – – – –

      Dear World

      [i]Going around by e-mail….[/i]

      Dear World:

      The United States of America, your quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

      The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located. Replacement components were ordered Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, and have begun arriving. Early tests of the new equipment indicate that it is functioning correctly and we expect it to be fully operational by the end of January.

      We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage and we look forward to resuming full service — and hopefully even improving it in the years to come. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

      Very Truly Yours,

      The USA

      – – –

    • #2769487

      At the Nudist Colony

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

      The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

      The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”

      She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”

      Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

      Later, the man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

      Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

      “Did you call for me?” asks the hairy man.

      “No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.

      “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”

      The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

      The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says.

      The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

      “But, Sir,” she says, “you’ve only been here for a few hours.You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

      The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 78 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here

    • #2769482

      A Safari across the Sahara

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

      Some American adventure tourists signed up for a guided
      expedition across the Sahara desert. Upon arriving at their
      starting point they were surprised to find that the entire
      journey was to be via camel.

      They explained to the expedition leader how they were under the
      impression the trip was to be taken in four wheel drive vehicles.

      “No no,” said Ohmar, “There is no vehicle made that can survive
      the route we are taking across the desert. Only camels can make
      this trip and even they require special preparation”

      “What kind of special preparation?” asked an American

      “Well first I let the camel drink his fill of cool water and then
      just as he’s taking his last sip I take these two bricks and slam
      them together on his nuts. The camel instantly sucks up another
      ten gallons of water… enough for him to survive the long
      journey”

      “My god,” exclaimed the American, “that must really hurt”

      “Not really,” replied Ohmar, “only if I catch my fingers between
      the bricks”

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