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Friday Double-Yuck

By CharlieSpencer ·
Tags: Off Topic
Is there any point in giving a wedgie to someone who's already wearing a thong?

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Who wrote that

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking
arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could
you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I
will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if
you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a
private restaurant'.

'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of
****, show me your c*nting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job'
and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the
most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the
manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept
Hurting My ****,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any
jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo
the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A **** Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking
melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks
the manager.

'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off
Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers
him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his
songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one
night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost
falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little
'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her
ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open,
sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is
dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the
Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears
the manager's voice.

'Where's that b*stard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs
back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly,
sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers
and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
_______________________________________________________________

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:)

by Shellbot In reply to Who wrote that
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I'm glad my door was closed

by JamesRL In reply to Who wrote that

When I read that, or my staff would think I've gone bonkers somehow.

James

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It should not be funny, but it is.

by DadsPad In reply to Who wrote that

Really, made me laugh. Very good

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TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

.
"What the *&%# was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?"
- Custer

"Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that."
- Einstein

"It does SO *&%#ing look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the *&%# did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain."
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ***!"
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"
-JFK 1)

"Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton

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Potential SCAM

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

Hi all,

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into Bunning's hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the ******* out.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning to all your friends!

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Need a lift???

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot
seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite
the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only
his kilt and his tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart
stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl
when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the
seat onto the road.

"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"

"but ... " stammers the driver

"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this
only takes a few seconds.

"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"

"but ... " says the driver.

"Now!! ... " he bellows.

So the driver does it again.

"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind,
has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable
to walk.

"Do it again" says the highlander.

"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me,"
whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the
roadside.

"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to
Inverness?"

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Women In Achieving Equality Throughout The World..........

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
Equality Throughout The World..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Iraq several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Iraqi woman.

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A Study of Women

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

.

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire.

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Nine Words Women Use

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Get lost ....

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

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