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Friday Levity..

By maecuff ·
Sorry Oz, 'yuk' just isn't dignified enough...This joke, however..:)

Little Billy sat on a park bench eating one candy bar after another. A man sitting nearby commented after Billy finished his sixth candy bar, "Son, all that candy is going to give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
"Oh yeah?" Little Billy replies, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asks, "And did he do that by eating six candy bars a day"?
"No", says Little Billy, "He did it by minding his own f*cking business."

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Airline Laughers

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

- Airline Funnies

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
to leave this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as **** everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Son, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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