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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
Well, the back pain woke me at half past the crack of stupid, so here I am not-so-bright and early.
Time to start the weekend right!

William Lyon Mackenzie with his entourage had just arrived at the mouth of the river that now bears his name.

He looked around at the scale, breadth, and beauty of the river and proclaimed:
"What a magnificent river! How majestic! A river like this deserves a fine Indian name! Does anyone have any suggestions?"

And from the back of the entourage, a voice was heard to say:

"How about New Delhi?"

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Since it's Friday..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak& fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
Is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching
Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas
and A diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, But
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.

For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
sh*ts you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover(*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the Remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the **** the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ***. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

--------------------------------

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

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Awfully familiar

by 2rs In reply to Since it's Friday..

I'm here to WORK & I'm reading your jokes instead!!!
Laughing uncontrollably (say THAT while you're drunk!) by the time I got to the end.. Thanks!

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classic carson

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk
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Now That is

by Old Guy In reply to classic carson

comedy. Very funny.

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assault case...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

Detroit, Mi. (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions,
who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Im not sure if i can post this but i dont think its that racy, Enjoy :)

by rdeane In reply to Friday Yuk

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron it."

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My wife's gone ......

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

(that's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....

-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa?
-No. She broke her leg.

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.

-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles

-My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, constantly.

-My wife's gone to see relatives in France
-Nice
(...need I say more...)

-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B

-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.

-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.

-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

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quote

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

"Call it a hunch." - Quasimodo

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quote

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

"Scotty Beam me aboard"

"Aye sir... Will a 2x4 do?"

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Every one should write jokes this good

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

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