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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
ok, i've been busy the last few weeks, time to make up for it!

A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea
captain.

Captain: "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up forward, what
would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your storms, sir."

******

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing,
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"

******

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

******

SR-71 Pilots
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as
Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were
both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show
1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

******

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 0 (60,000ft.) The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't
plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..." He was cleared...

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So they can...

by Bubba69 In reply to Why do Scotsmen wear kilt ...

Count to 11 without having to take off their shoes?

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Shouldn't...

by Jellimonsta In reply to So they can...
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Things I learned from watching movies..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving Chinese martial arts fighters. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

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Mae you've obviously never watched

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Things I learned from wat ...

Or you've forgotten the Pink Panther Movies where the Chief of Police doesn't suspend or sack his Best Inspector he tries to kill him unsuccessfully and always ends up with the blame for the crime. :^0

Col ]:)

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12-Step Internet Recovery Program:

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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1 Step Internet recovery program

by Deadly Ernest In reply to 12-Step Internet Recovery ...

Reactivate broadband or dial-up connection that went down. NB - This may not work if you are in the middle of a power outage unless you were smart enough to install a decent UPS on your computer and the connection device.

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I'll be

by OnTheRopes In reply to 1 Step Internet recovery ...
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Stuff

by OnTheRopes In reply to Friday Yuk

Directions to my house. Go East.
http://tinyurl.com/zjuyl

Guns are tools
http://tinyurl.com/gpo3l

I was just thinking
http://tinyurl.com/hcq2w

NASCAR is really popular. What is NASCAR? It?s a car racing sport invented in the southern states of the US. It got the name from people saying, ?that?s a real nas' car you got there buddy.?
http://tinyurl.com/n5qv4

http://techrepublic.com.com/5100-10877-60**119.html?tag=fdnew

Be safe.
http://tinyurl.com/ocxqr
Note to Hal: Check the pix name.

edited to add TR NASCAR link

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EXCELLENT!

by Tig2 In reply to Stuff

Those are great! Mind if I... um... borrow them?

I especially like "Guns are Tools". Wonder where I can get that particular tool?

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HEY!!!

by OnTheRopes In reply to EXCELLENT!

Those pix are only for my own personal use! But? seeing as how you liked ?em here?s a few more.


Now what are those guys up too?
http://tinyurl.com/fzegq


Let?s go surfing
http://tinyurl.com/f5m87


Or fishing. I done got me a new houseboat
http://tinyurl.com/k9btk


You want to fix your hair first?
http://tinyurl.com/zdbpm

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