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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
ok, i've been busy the last few weeks, time to make up for it!

A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea
captain.

Captain: "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up forward, what
would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your storms, sir."

******

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing,
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"

******

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

******

SR-71 Pilots
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as
Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were
both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show
1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

******

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 0 (60,000ft.) The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't
plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..." He was cleared...

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Party Girls, it's time to leave when...

by Bubba69 In reply to Friday Yuk

Signs it's time to go home...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ***.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your fifth grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like ten times by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

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You know your missle sucks when:

by Mickster269 In reply to Friday Yuk

You know your missile sucks when... it stays airborne for only slightly longer than an Oscar thank-you speech

You know your missile sucks when... the U.N. Security Council pencils in a meeting on the test-firing for after Christmas vacation

You know your missile sucks when... Takeru Kobayashi eats one after downing 53 3/4 hot dogs

You know your missile sucks when... the most the White House will call you is "provocative" (come on, so was Monica)

You know your missile sucks when... it's harder to get off the ocean floor than a Russian sub

You know your missile sucks when... wannabe-grandiose statesman Moammar Gadhafi is more interested in writing essays on the World Cup than bloviating on your missile proliferation

You know your missile sucks when... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn't even interested in being your friend

You know your missile sucks when... people stop keeping count of test-firings (but the Mexican leftist still demands a recount)

You know your missile sucks when... Hamas has better aim with their "MacGyver"-meets-"Monster Garage" rocket concoction

You know your missile sucks when... the European Union has reworded the test-firing as a "spontaneous sparky display"

You know your missile sucks when... you have to shoot them off on a fireworks day just to get some damn attention

You know your missile sucks when... Trey Parker and Matt Stone just can't resist making a sequel (hey, I can dream)

You know your missile sucks when... your own official news agency finds the story less exciting than "Kim Jong Il Gives On-Site Guidance to New Pyongyang Taesong Tyre Factory"

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Well done

by Oz_Media In reply to You know your missle suck ...

I needed that!

You know your missile sucks when... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn't even interested in being your friend

You know your missile sucks when... Hamas has better aim with their "MacGyver"-meets-"Monster Garage" rocket concoction


HAPPY 69!!!!
Your screenshot is here: http://pic13.picturetrail.com/VOL490/3087922/6280478/164477608.jpg

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Little girl to mother, " You know that soft spot on the baby's head?" .....

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Mother: "Yes, what about it?"

Little girl(licking finger): "Mmmmmm Mmmmmm! Good!!!

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hmm...

by GSteve In reply to Little girl to mother, " ...

I don't get it. Either:
1. I'm too naive to understand this joke,
2. It is way too late on a friday afternoon, or
3. All of the above

Could someone fill me in, here? :)

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Maybe with crackers?

by Mr.Wiz In reply to hmm...

I don't know either.

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Sure

by Tig2 In reply to hmm...

File it under- "I don't really want to know...".

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dawg

by Jaqui In reply to Little girl to mother, " ...

even for sadistic, twisted, evil, mean and nasty me,
that one went to far.

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Moral of Gates Story

by onbliss In reply to Friday Yuk

"What's the moral of the Gates story?"
"That we should do charity?"
"No. You should first gross a few billions."

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Onbliss- Right on the mark!

by Tig2 In reply to Moral of Gates Story

My minister during a sermon said "And what are the wages of sin?" And without thinking I said in a clearly heard voice, "About $5 million if you do it right!"

THAT'S what I get for actually listening to the sermon!

But I'm right...

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