1 Finish Profile

Friday YUK

Locked

May be a bit early but as I have a lot of meatings today, I’m calling it a day (10:30 AM CET) as for TR.

————————-

Tech: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

Tech: “What sort of trouble?”

Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

Tech: “Went away?”

Caller: “They disappeared.”

Tech: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Caller: “Nothing.”

Tech: “Nothing?”

Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

Tech: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

Caller: “How do I tell?”

Tech: “Can you see the “C” prompt on the screen?”

Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Tech: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Tech: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

Caller: “What’s a monitor?”

Tech: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Tech: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

Caller: “…Yes, I think so.”

Tech: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

Caller: “…Yes, it is.”

Tech: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

Caller: “No.”

Tech: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Caller: “…Okay, here it is.”

Tech: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”

Tech: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

Caller: “No.”

Tech: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

Tech: “Dark?”

Caller: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Tech: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Caller: “I can’t.”

Tech: “No? Why not?”

Caller: “Because there’s a power outage.”

Tech: “A power… a power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

CUST: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Tech: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Tech: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

Tech: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

———–
How’s that for telling a customer ?:|

Have fun and a great weekend all.

Rob

edited for emoticon typo

Topic

How NOT to get a job

In reply to Friday YUK

[b]How to Mess Up a Job Interview[/b]

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

– “…stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

– “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

– “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

– “…asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

– “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”

– “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

– “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

– “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

– “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

– “…pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

– “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

– “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

– “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

– “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

– “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

– “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

– “…asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

– “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

my husband

In reply to How NOT to get a job

had someone show up for an interview with no shirt, cut off jeans, flip flops on his feet and a beer in his hand.

~chuckle~

In reply to my husband

I showed up to apply at a restaurant one time, before it first opened for business, wearing daytons, jeans t-shirt, leather jacket my long hair loose with a female friend and her daughter in tow.

I was interveiwed right then and there, and hired within minutes after walking in the door.

I’d hire him

In reply to my husband

for having the cojones to show up that way!

I once arrived

In reply to my husband

… in a worn flannel shirt, jeans, combat boots, Carhart jacket, smelling of diesel fuel, and in a 25′ International Loadstar box truck. Got hired on the spot.

(Miss my diesel days.)

For…

In reply to I once arrived

Hired for WHAT tho? :p

hired for

In reply to For…

Gear jammin’, freight haulin’, Speedball Tucker impersonatin’ truckin’!

But then I’m not sure a…

In reply to hired for

suit and tie would have been appropriate either. :p

whatever you do, don’t get caught shoplifting…

In reply to Friday YUK

Last night I watched someone get taken into custody, on a Canada Wide Warrant, for shoplifting..a chocolate bar.

funny as all get go, stealing a choolate bar will get a national warrant for your arrest, yet true story.

I find that impossible to believe somehow

In reply to whatever you do, don’t get caught shoplifting…

I would very readily believe however that someone was arrested for shoplifting a chocolate bar, failed to show up at their court date, and had a Canada wide warrant issued for them. Standing before a judge and agreeing to show up in court at a later date – then not showing -is contempt of court, and they take that very seriously.

James

Something else unknown

In reply to I find that impossible to believe somehow

About 10 years ago, I heard about a law that was passed in the US that states that if a shoplifter leaves the company’s immediate location with the stolen item then the company can file charges for grand theft. I haven’t looked this up so I cant confirm it….but how nice would that be.

I would check that if I were you

In reply to Something else unknown

I am not an expert on USA law but do watch enough of the ‘true life’ and fictional cop shows to know that in the USA you are not shop stealing or shoplifting until AFTER you have left the space controlled by the store; also the level of charge is dependent upon the value of the item stolen – steal expensive jewelery and it is a higher charge than stealing a pair of pants.

I also know that some jurisdictions have laws to automatically up the level of the charge if you resist being arrested or detained by the security staff or police when challenged about the theft. This could see a misdemeaner charge of theft for stealing a pair of pants upped to being a felony charge of theft for pushing the security guard away when he asks you to return to the store.

and

In reply to I find that impossible to believe somehow

the “failure to appear” warrant was from not going to court for shoplifting, so his canada wide warrant was directly resulting from shoplifting. ~lol~

editing to add:

even the arresting office saw the humour in the sequence, shoplift, busted, canada wide warrant.

But I think you see my point

In reply to and

Shoplifting alone, not a big deal. The warrant was issued because he made a second bad decision, not to show up. Thats not a direct result, thats two errors not one.

He might never get bail again.

James

response from the Smithsonian Institution

In reply to Friday YUK

I found this elsewhere on the net and thought I would pass it on. Anyway, it made me laugh, and I thought many of you would enjoy it also.

===============================
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway…here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
____________________________________________________

Smithsonian Institute
7 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator- Antiquities

This is

In reply to response from the Smithsonian Institution

very entertaining.

“Australopithecus spiff-arino…”

In reply to response from the Smithsonian Institution

I actually *did* LOL!

A Handy Chart

In reply to Friday YUK

This is the Original Hangover Rating System (not that any of us can relate): 😀

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Perkins excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke and haven’t peed yet!!!

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK :
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening, Officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I couldn’t. Nobody wants to hear me sing

Have a great weekend!

love quiz

In reply to Friday YUK

http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

Okay

In reply to love quiz

I fell for it.

God, I feel like such a loser now. And my dog is dead.

Me too, Mae…..sniff!…..

In reply to Okay

jd doesn’t love me……

my cat is dead……

I will never win the lottery…….

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :_|

GG

is this jd’s ideal way to start my weekend?? Ruin it before it gets underway?

:_|

It’s all down hill..

In reply to Me too, Mae…..sniff!…..

And I’m already vulnerable.

I don’t watch a lot of television, however, At the beginning of March, I started watching the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series. I finished season 7 last night. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life now.

And, apparently, I’ll never be rich. And my husband doesn’t find me attractive. He’s such a liar, he said he did.

I know what you mean

In reply to It’s all down hill..

My partner doesn’t find me attractive either. Must have taken the same “truth class” as your husband.

The “cat is dead” was accurate. For abut 10 years now.

I’m not going to get that Million that God and keep discussing. He’s such a liar.

Barnes & Nobel- Buy the seasons that you have already seen. Watch them again. Try 24. Life after Buffy will be tough.

ahhhh

In reply to Okay

my work here is done…. 😀

Very cool, jd

In reply to love quiz

I got a good laugh from it.

My wish was to live as long as Methuselah.

Ah well, I might try for that again in my next incarnation. 😀

What is with

In reply to Very cool, jd

the rose? Figure we got tired of looking at your mug? ;\

Rose = flower

In reply to What is with

jardinier = gardener

gardener grows flowers, including roses.

I got the idea in dpetrak’s discussion about his avatar.

As mentioned previously, the photo of myself gives a totally false impression of my appearance when it is shrunk to that size.

So stay tuned for an ever changing array of gems from my gardening website.

Here is the original photo from which I made the avatar:

http://www.gardening4pleasure.com/images/MrLincoln_c.jpg

gardener

In reply to Rose = flower

first, to someone that is NOT a gardener, the first thing that comes to mind is FOOD in a garden. I thought it was a Horticulturist that does florals?

A point of contention in my miserably failed marriage was my total lack of gardening skills and absolutely no desire to improve. MY idea of gardening is deciding what level to set my lawn mower on.

My plans for this weekend is to rip out a few of the flower boxes I had built for the ex. She loved to do that, so I have two brick ones, each in corners, one is a tri-level. Then there is the wooden one that is about 60 feet long and two feet high along the fence.

I didn’t mind them being there, but with starting school back up last week, I don’t have the time nor desire to tend to them, so half of them are getting ripped out and putting grass back in.

If it doesn’t rain, that is. Rain almost every day for just short of two weeks now and COLD! Where the he!! is my global warming????

JD your Global Warming

In reply to gardener

Has moved to SE Queensland for the time being. We have somewhere around 30% water capacity in the dams that have any water, and there are a couple that never have had any water in them since they where built.

It’s getting close to winter and the days are still around the 25 C mark and what little rain that we do get doesn’t fall in the Catchment Area so that we can get some water in the dams.

If you would like to transport several Million Gigagallons we’ll happily accept them to bring up our water storage capacity to 35%. 😀

That might put off Stage 3 Water Restrictions by a week or two. :p

Col ]:)

We have a water shortage, too

In reply to JD your Global Warming

down here in the south with a ban on hosepipes, filling swimming pools, etc. I think that they’re alright up in GG country.

And yet it’s peeing down outside and blowing up a gale and the weather forecast is for cold and wet for the rest of next week so I can’t go fishing. Grrrrr.

There’s your answer jd. Ccolin’s got it all.

Brisvagas Winter = Michigan Summer

In reply to JD your Global Warming

I was in Michigan last year and found that Michigan summer gets to be the same as our winter. I had a work colleague out from Ann Arbour in June/July last year. When we thought it was freezing he was wearing shorts and T shirt.

Andrew I know that feeling

In reply to JD your Global Warming

Many years ago I had to go to the UK for some company related business in the middle of our winter.

One weekend they insisted on dragging us all down to Brighton Beach as they had a [b]Heat Wave[/b] going I was the one standing in the Great Coat with my hands in my pockets shivering while all the [b]Crazy Poms[/b] where running around in Bikinis and swimmers and complaining about the heat.

Some people just don’t know any better. 😀

Col ]:)

Busy professionals

In reply to gardener

provide steady income for gardeners (= horticulturists — same meaning)

When I was doing this work on a regular basis, many of my clients were lawyers. They work long hours and the last thing they want to do at the weekend is attend to the garden.

Widows also made up a large proportion of my clientele.

Now just to nark Colin with his — unfortunately very true account of the severe water shortage in Eastern Australian cities — I will reveal that as a gardening tradesman I have obtained an exemption from the stringent watering restrictions that are currently in force in Sydney.

I can use a hand-held hose at any time, and can use sprinklers for certain periods if I happen to be laying out a new lawn (which I am not, but it is included with the exemption).

This has encouraged me to tackle my own extensive garden, which has been largely neglected for two years because of ill health (my heart condition), addiction to the internet, and the severely restricted watering times permitted.

And while I am on the subject, I will explain why I chose “jardinier” as my TR alias.

Firstly, of the various trades I have practised, gardening is the one that I know most about and am best at.

Secondly, my one remaining client in my semi retirement — Mary Ann Arnott — majored in languages (French and Spanish) for her B.A.

So we horse around a bit as I try and remember the French I learnt at school.

So now you have the full story of my alias and avatar.

nothing so extensive for me

In reply to Busy professionals

my ID is sort of a nickname and my initials combined as a way to make an id that I could remember while keeping from using my real name.

When it was first chosen as my TR ID, I never gave the discussions a thought. It was all newsletters and downloads.

The name game from growing up with a jeff across the road and across the alley from me. We would walk in somewhere and say “hi, we’re Jeff.”

As you could figure, calling each other jeff was out of the question. I was dubbed clyde, and there was chez and kat. (I got the best one!) 😀

I was going to change it about a year ago, but people started to know me at this, so I left it.

pet note – Bear (see avitar) is at my feet and Hyde (cat, soon to be avitar) is on my lap, laying across my arms. His spot when I am on my laptop TRYING to get some homework done. 😀

JD Darling

In reply to love quiz

That was AWFUL! Now get back to work! 😀

Let’s have a proper Tech Yuk

In reply to Friday YUK

Try these on UNIX

% ar m God ar:

% “How would you rate Bush’s incompetence?

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?

% sleep with me

% got a light?

% man: why did you get a divorce?

% ^What is saccharine?

$ drink matter

% man sex

If, like me, you’ve only got M$

In reply to Let’s have a proper Tech Yuk

% ar m God ar:
God does not exist

% “How would you rate Bush’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

% man sex
No manual entry for sex

Those are funny…

In reply to If, like me, you’ve only got M$

Well, except the first one! :p

Jelli, are you trying to start a (gasp)

In reply to Those are funny…

religious thread?

You KNOW that is my prerogative. ]:)

You missed one

In reply to If, like me, you’ve only got M$

% man:woman

Lest we forget (one from my XENIX-286 days)

In reply to If, like me, you’ve only got M$

cat “food in can”
cat cannot open food in can

the phone call

In reply to Friday YUK

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy, together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “magic.”

“Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge. “Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to f*&k off.

LMAO

In reply to the phone call

That is too funny!! :^0

Sad but true. Women find it much easier to look past the weight gain than us pigs!! 😀

I can’t figure out why

In reply to LMAO

but my buds wife refers to me as “pig boy”.

And worse, all of her friends know EXACTLY who she is talking about when she says that.

[i]
~~dang, where is that stupid angel emoicon when I need it? ~~ [/i]

She is cool though. I once even gave her a compliment. I told her she was too cool to be a chick and asked if she had ever had an operation she wasn’t telling me about? :0 To tell you the type of person she is, she laughed her a$$ off.

Yeah, she is a geekette and watches South Park with us and even plays Unreal and Quake with us! 😀

Good one!

In reply to the phone call

.

dumb and funny

In reply to Friday YUK

Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports

“I’m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?”
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players’ union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.

“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

“There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.'”
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar

“He’s the about the size of a lot of guys that size.” -Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown

“It’s almost like we have ESPN.”
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

“Tom.”
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

“Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good.” -Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

“I’m glad you’re doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We’re so much prettier than all the other women in sports.”
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

“He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual, too.” -Don King, boxing promoter.

“Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same.”
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.

“It’s basically the same, just darker.”
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991

“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
-Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator

[i]7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

In reply to Friday YUK

7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow job?” – Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and
I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
guest. – Kate Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

3. HO, HO, HO: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came
out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! – (Name
withheld)

4. LADY GOLFER: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s
balls.” – Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m
just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget. – Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS: A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX,
SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?” – (Name withheld)

7. MOM’S ADVICE: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and
he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s
office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at
the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to
call your Mom.” She screamed. “I did,” He said, “and she told me that if I
could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.” –
(Name withheld)

segue…

In reply to [i]7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had
prepared for our 28-member family. As I glanced up at the chandelier
over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a
spider had woven around the prisms and lightbulbs. “Don’t look up
there!” my mother screamed. “It’s the one thing I was too tired to
clean!”

“Don’t look where?” my brother asked.

“There!” my mother pointed. “It’s my own personal web sight!”

dawg & heml0ck

In reply to segue…

Those were too funny!

🙂

[i]A Matter of Perspective[/i]

In reply to Friday YUK

[b][u]A Matter of Perspective[/b][/u]

[b][u]Her Diary Entry:[/u][/b]
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn’t say
anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I
could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was
still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was
bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me
or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn’t
really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and
he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because,
you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just
switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he
joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he’s seeing someone.

[b][u]His Journal Entry:[/u][/b]
Played badly today — shot 97. Couldn’t putt to save my life! Felt kind of
tired. Got laid though.

I can’t see any damn boat!

In reply to [i]A Matter of Perspective[/i]

This is one of those spooky little puzzles which for some reason women find easier to solve than men….

You have to try and find the boat in the picture (link below). I have been trying to find it for about 20 minutes now and although I thought I was getting close…. no luck. You have to be a very observant person to be able to find the boat. Give it a try and see how you get on.

Good Luck

I’m told that a ‘Top Tip’ is to try enlarging the image and pressing your face close to the screen, squint, then move back slowly….

http://tinyurl.com/kmtal

better check your link Neil

In reply to I can’t see any damn boat!

Someone didn’t like you linking to them it seems!

😀

Lol,

In reply to better check your link Neil

It works if you copy and paste it in browser. :p

Works OK for me

In reply to better check your link Neil

Ah, well. Back to the drawing board….

are you sure there’s a boat?

In reply to Works OK for me

I’ve been looking for almost 30 minutes and I still can’t see it. I’ve changed the resolution, contrast, brightness, everything I can think of and still no boat!

Yep

In reply to are you sure there’s a boat?

There’s most definately a boat there… look harder…

*covers the lower portion of hem’s monitor* There, does that help?

oops!

In reply to Yep

I see it now!

Well, it WASN’T

In reply to Works OK for me

came up with a tatto of Bart Simpson, using a REAL fat hairy guys bellybutton as the butt being held open.

He was saying “don’t steal my content #@%@#%”

Duh Neil !!

In reply to Works OK for me

Read jd’s post again. Maybe this time around you will manage to [b]grasp[/b] what he meant. 😉

]:)

No star

In reply to Duh Neil !!

it really was being redirected.

Interesting, Watson

In reply to I can’t see any damn boat!

From work, I get the picture as it should be but from home, I see the Bart Simpson. ah, well, I’ll just leave it for now.

I think

In reply to Interesting, Watson

It has something to do with if you’ve gone to it directly before…

I got the bart simpson until I copied and pasted it, now I can click the link and get to it fine…

SEE?

In reply to Interesting, Watson

When I first tried it, it worked fine.

When you said it worked for you, I assumed you were back to your stealth edits again! 😀

It is probably based on number of connections from the link in an hour or something?

Either way, there still IS no boat.

OI!

In reply to SEE?

*covers up the lower portion of JD’s monitor as well* NOW do you see it??! :p

No ;)

In reply to OI!

I can’t see any boat in the picture at all. For that matter any water. :^0

Are you sure that there is a Boat in the picture. 😀

Col ]:)
http://tinyurl.com/fz854

Both of you …

In reply to No ;)

(Hal & JD) are hopeless. :^0

🙂

OH are you talking about that thing

In reply to No ;)

In front of the skimpily clad female? :0

That’s not a boat in any form it’s a small water craft that’s only useful as a means from getting from a [b]Real Boat[/b] to the shore and back again when the need arises. :p

Now if you want to see some really scantly clad females you need to go to the Whitsundays for their Figure Head Races. Naked females all over the boats almost make it impossible to sail anywhere they get in the road of everything. :_|

One year we had to kedge one of the competitors yachts off a island as the very drunk skipper sailed straight into a mountain. What was even worse was next morning when he woke and saw all the damage to his yacht and was demanding to know who had crashed into it overnight. 😀 He couldn’t even remember us boarding it getting it off the cliff and sailing it back to harbour. Nor could all the naked females on board either. :^0

After sailing the Sydney Hobart, then back to Sydney and then on the Sydney Brisbane and then the Brisbane Gladstone you really need a break and it was never boring doing the Whitsunday races. :^0

But it’s hard work and being the good little sailor that I was I just had to do it. Of course the few drinks didn’t hurt much either. But we had to be careful not to become dehydrated so there was always plenty to drink at those alleged races. B-)

Col ]:)
http://tinyurl.com/fz854

The Rules…from the male side

In reply to [i]A Matter of Perspective[/i]

We (males) always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are “the rules” from the male side, in no particular order.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We’ll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
7. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
9. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
11. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
12. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
13. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
14. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
16. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
17. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
18. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
19. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
20. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
21. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
22. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
23. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!
25. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
26. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
27. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that. It’s like camping! There is no need to pass this on, but if you do it will bring greater understanding to men and women everywhere.

Boom

In reply to Friday YUK

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
the young husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will’s dad finally got him
calmed down.

That’s when the Confederate general hollered, “Fire at will!”

LOL!!!

In reply to Boom

liked that one!

:-)

In reply to LOL!!!

Thnx (curtseys demurely)

A tip for the married man

In reply to Friday YUK

1 Start shagging your wife doggy style
2 Lean over and grab both of her breasts
3 Whisper in her ear “You?re not as good as your sister”
4 Try to hold on for at least eight seconds.

AKA

In reply to A tip for the married man

a Rodeo F**k

I will warn you, however

In reply to A tip for the married man

In some states that is considered to be “Assisted Suicide”
🙂

Words to live by:

In reply to Friday YUK

? There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
? When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
? If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
? A penny saved is a government oversight.
? The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
? He who hesitates is probably right.
? If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
? The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
? If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
? Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
? Don’t cry because it’s over: smile because it happened.
? We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors…but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
? Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
? A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
? Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
? Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
? I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
? If not for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.
? Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
? Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
? I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.
? You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
? Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
? We cannot change the direction of the wind … but we can adjust our sails.
? If the shoe fits……buy it in every color (YES!)

For Those Who Enjoy Language (or severe distortions thereof):

In reply to Words to live by:

? Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
? A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
? Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
? Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
? A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
? A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
? When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
? A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
? What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
? In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
? She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
? A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
? If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
? With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
? When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
? The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
? You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
? Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
? Every calendar’s days are numbered.
? A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
? A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
? He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
? A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
? Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
? Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
? Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
? Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
? Acupuncture is a jab well done

Ineffective Daily Affirmations.

In reply to Words to live by:

? All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
? I am at one with my duality.
? Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
? I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
? Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
? I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
? Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
? False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
? A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
? Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
? Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute…..I’ll find someone.
? Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
? The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
? I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
? Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: blaming my parents.
? To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
? I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

thoughts on religion….

In reply to Friday YUK

Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of these.

? I don’t care WHO you are, you’re not walking on the water while I’m fishing.
? A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
? Definition of Atheism : a non-prophet organization.
? Photons have mass!?! I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
? Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
? I’m convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I’m so far behind I’ll never die!
? When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
? Adam to Eve: I’ll wear the plants in this family!
? Give me some of that old-time Religion! HAIL ZEUS!
? In a crisis call for Isis!
? Jesus Saves. Passes to Moses. Shoots. HE SCORES!
? Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
? The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.
? On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”
? If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, ?cause that’s what He’s getting tonight.

Spell Check

In reply to Friday YUK

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and
weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long’
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore yore pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer:

In reply to Friday YUK

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort.
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash.
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this?
What a shame sir!
We’ll find you another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the
mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

JD, this one made me think of you..

In reply to Friday YUK

I’m not sure why..

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was
scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change
operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell
him the bad news.

“Ohhhh no!!!” the patient wailed, “I’ll never be able to
experience an erection again!”

“Of course you’ll still be able to experience erections,”
replied one surgeon, “only it will have to be someone else’s!”

Mae

In reply to JD, this one made me think of you..

While this joke was funny, and inspired my posting below, why would you say it reminded you of JD? ?:| :0

Well

In reply to Mae

because..

Okay, I’m not going to say it. It’s up to JD to make his own announcements regarding his lifestyle.

:_|

In reply to Well

.

Arthur and the Dr. visit

In reply to Friday YUK

Arthur boldly strides into his doctors office.
“Doc,” says Arthur, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Arthur.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Arthur, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well, maybe…” said the patient, “I finally decided after 39 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Arthur stared at him in horror and screamed, “Crap! THAT’S the word!”

They say

In reply to Arthur and the Dr. visit

that when you get circumcised as a baby that it doesn’t hurt. Wrong. I couldn’t walk for months afterwards.

Haha

In reply to They say

Can’t say the same. Although, if I did it now, I don’t think I would be walking any time soon either!! :0

I won’t say that this is an oldie but it was

In reply to Friday YUK

covered in ivy when I heard it in the mid 1990’s. 🙂 :^0 :p

[Author]

Replies