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Friday Yuk

By stargazerr ·
Universal Truths


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough


When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to
be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an
interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's
overworked


When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets ...


Happy Friday Everyone. My parents are arriving today and I have taken monday and tuesday off from the office. Its going to be a lovely Loooooong weekend for me.

]:)

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Ok, you started it....

by jdclyde In reply to Biker and the Yuppie bar

Two gay guys and a trucker are sitting at the bar having a beer.

After a bit, one of the gay guys looks at the other two and says "excuse me, but I have to pass some gas. Do you mind?"

Both of the other men say no.

(phhhh)

After a bit, the other gay guy looks at the other two and says "excuse me, but I have to pass some gas. Do you mind?"

Both of the other men say no.

(phhhh)

They keep drinking.

After a little bit, the trucker feels a fart coming on, so he says "Hey, I have to fart. Do you mind?"

The other two men say no.

(PPPTTTTHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTT!)

The two men look at the trucker, then each other. The first one says "ha, WE know who the virgin is!"


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The Biker and the Yuppie-Round Two

by OnTheRopes In reply to Biker and the Yuppie bar

The Sanitarium nurse was watching the over-worked, stressed-out, alcoholic Yuppie and the burned-out biker as they sat quietly in their wheelchairs in the sunshine.
Suddenly a flock of pigeons flew over and droppings spattered on the Yuppies forehead. The nurse exclaimed, ?Oh my! I?ll go and get some toilet paper,? and ran off. The Yuppie turned to the biker and said, ?And they think we?re crazy. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper those stupid birds will be miles away.?

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The Yuppie and the Biker bar

by OnTheRopes In reply to Biker and the Yuppie bar

The Yuppie couple had a son who was born with nothing but a head. With the miracles of medicine the baby survived and the Yuppies were able to take their son home. The couple kept their son-the head, on a velvet pillow and nurtured him. Time went by.

One day the heads Father said, ?Son, it?s your 21st birthday. Anything you?d like to do we can do.? His son said, ?Dad I always had dreams of having a ride on a motorcycle. Would you take me to a biker bar for a few drinks? Maybe someone would give me a ride.? The heads Father said, ?Sure son. Anything you want.?

So the Yuppie father takes his son on his velvet pillow over to the nearest Biker tavern, walks in and places his Son?s velvet pillow on the bar. The Biker bartender is unfazed. He says, ?I?ve got to see some ID for the head here.? The Father pulls out a birth-certificate hands it to the bartender who reads it, grunts, hands it back and looks at the head and say?s, ?What?ll it be??

The head says, ?This is my first time. Mix up a little bit of everything in a pitcher and bring it to me with a glass.? The bartender turns, starts grabbing bottles off of the shelf, pours a little bit of each into a pitcher, stirs it up and brings it back over to the father and his son-the head. The bartender just leans back against the back-bar and watches quietly, chewing on a toothpick.

The father pours a full glass for his son, says, ?Happy Birthday son?, and pours a mouthful of the drink into his son?s mouth.

Poof!
There?s a cloud of smoke and out pops an arm and a torso from the head. The father and son are amazed. ?Look! Look! Dad! This is the best birthday present I could ever get!? The Father and son are able to hug each other for the first time ever. They?re both weeping and sobbing with joy while the biker bartender just quietly looks on.

The son is now balancing his torso on the velvet pillow on the bar. He wipes the tears from his eyes and says, ?Dad, I?m going to take another drink of this.? His dad says, ?Go for it.? Drink, swallow?
Poof!
There?s another cloud of smoke and suddenly the former head now has two arms, a torso and one leg. ?Dad! Dad! Look! I can stand with one leg. I?ve got both arms! This is a miracle!? He jumps off of the bar and picks up his Father in a bear-hug while standing there on one leg. The father is speechless with shock and amazement and stands there wide-eyed. The biker bartender watches quietly from behind the bar, chews on his toothpick and doesn?t say anything.

?Dad! Dad! This is fantastic! If I have another leg I can ride a motorcycle by myself. I?m going to drink the rest of this in one gulp.? He raises his drink to his lips, swallows everything left in the glass and ?
Poof!!!
He disappears with a cloud of smoke.

The shocked father stares at the dissipating smoke in shock and then screams at the bartender, ?No!!! No!!! Did you see that? Where?d my son go?? ?What happened??

The biker bartender calmly looks at the Yuppie, removes his toothpick and grunt?s, ?Humph. He shoulda? quit when he was a head.?

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a little old lady...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes
the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God
and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.


This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his
secret - what is it with the bananas?

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

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golf caddy replies...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

Ten Best Caddy Replies

# 10 - Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 - Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 - Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 - Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 - Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 - Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 - Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 - Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 - Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment ..

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Why yelling at men is pointless

by thefrown In reply to Friday Yuk

When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

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The shoes are the same

by Too Old For IT In reply to Why yelling at men is poi ...

Anyone else see the ad where the girls holds out three different black shoes to get her guy's opinion, and all he sees are the same shoe?

Trust me when I say this, ladies: The shoes ARE the same.

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WARNING... DANGEROUS CHEMICAL

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

Everyone please read as this chemical causes or contributes to hundreads of deaths each year.
http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

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i sent this out on April 1st...

by heml0ck In reply to WARNING... DANGEROUS CHEM ...

to my coworkers.
EH&S (Environment, Health and Safety) is under my dept umbrella. About 15 minutes after sending the email, the very nice, eager young woman who runs EH&S rushed up to my desk all in a tizzy and a flutter.
"Hemmie," she cried. "Where did you hear about this!? We have to do something!"
Sez I: "Hold on! Did you ever take chemistry?"
"Why yes," she replied. "It was my minor in university!"
"Ahh!" I said. "And just what is Dihydrogen M onoxide?"
"Dihydrogen...." She paused.
"You know," she said. "I would've got it eventually!!!"

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very punny!

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

Here are the 10 first place winners in an International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead Raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. There was a group of friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good friars to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad it's good)....A super-calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the scurvy knave who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did. . .

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