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Friday Yuk

By stargazerr ·
Universal Truths


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough


When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to
be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an
interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's
overworked


When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets ...


Happy Friday Everyone. My parents are arriving today and I have taken monday and tuesday off from the office. Its going to be a lovely Loooooong weekend for me.

]:)

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30 years difference

by NI70 In reply to Friday Yuk

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

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Haircuts: Men VS Women

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!

Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. (etc...)

"Men on Haircuts"

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

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Correction

by jdclyde In reply to Haircuts: Men VS Women

Men on Haircuts.

"Like my hair cut?"

"You had your hair cut?"

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or

by heml0ck In reply to Correction

did you lose weight or something?

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random jokes

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" he father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

-----------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's
very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."

-------------------------------------------------
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a
double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked
inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he
finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered
another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll
bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer
replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."

-------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a man, took the wife aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your husband at all." "Me neither doc." said the wife. "But
he's a good provider and really good with the kids."

---------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

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For this weekend

by Cactus Pete In reply to Friday Yuk

In case no one else's mail servers had issues with this and you haven't seen it yet...

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/mothersday.wmv

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Hmmm

by tryten In reply to For this weekend

Our web sense filter, blocks ebaums. Labels it tasteless

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

by NI70 In reply to Friday Yuk

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

DR. SEUSS-
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

ROBERT FROST
The chicken crossed the road less traveled by, and
that has made all the difference.

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I remember that chicken. I was there when his mother gave birth. I sang poultry tunes to him as he grew, and then I held his wing as we crossed that street together. I will continue to cross the street with all American chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MOM & DAD
Don't waste time thinking about chicken's -- the important question is where he was going and what they were paying him to cross. What kind of future will that chicken have?

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

NEW AGE
The road and the chicken are one. Both sides of the road are also part of the same road. Why should we differentiate between the road or the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

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ROFL

by heml0ck In reply to Why did the chicken cross ...
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Email 101

by Tig2 In reply to Friday Yuk

Believe it or not, I have actually used this in training documentation...

Happy weekend all!

NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...

"I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail.

I will NOT hear any music, see a taco dog, or see a cool pop up screen if DO forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I have forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people who don't know who the **** I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward an e-mail ... EVER!!!!

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail.

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS or GET WELL CARDS!

The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend ... or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST!! If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along ... but even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I'm SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forwards inside it!"

Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next 3 months and all of your hair will fall out!!!!


Incidentally, Happy Mothers Day for those who celebrate it!
:)

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