General discussion


Friday Yuk

By rob mekel ·
Wel it isn't much of a yuk but still,

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says: I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies: I'm sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said: I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies: Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied: How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says: Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.



I hope the weekend won't be yuk but full of laughter. :)

edited for format

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and speaking of blondes....

by V_man In reply to Friday Yuk
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And I got a scolding

by stargazerr In reply to and speaking of blondes.. ...

when I posted too many blonde jokes ... :^0


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knew that....

by V_man In reply to And I got a scolding

You would appreciate the link<G>

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Here's what an old dinosaur says about how dinosaurs died

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk
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Women as football pitches (that's OUR football)

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with groundowner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goalmouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you **** the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

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Women as a football game - and I mean OUR football

by DMambo In reply to Women as football pitches ...

- You always have to pay attention to a backfield in motion.
- Not every team has a good tight end, but somehow they still can score a lot.
- A good safety is important to any defense.
- The ball splitting the uprights can be one of the most exciting portions of the game.
- Many teams play without a split end.
- For some, 6 in the end zone is the best that can happen on any play.
- Players with extra padding generally don't have the same range of movement.
- Often the best game plan is just to stuff it up the middle.
- A play-action fake can be very deceiving.

Please feel free to add your own!

Have a good weekend, everyone.

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by Cactus Pete In reply to Women as football pitches ...

1000 points for Neil

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by Cactus Pete In reply to Women as football pitches ...
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Micro Surgeons

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

After the Micro Surgeons conference in New York,the three leading surgeons were at the bar and,being drunk,began to reminisce over their greatest achievements.

The first,from England,said "we had a chap caught in a printing press and all that was left of him was a finger. Our team constructed a hand around it, engineered a body and when he went back to work he was so good he put 5 men out of work".

"Thats nothing",said the Yankee,"we had a worker trapped in a nuclear reactor and all that was left was hair.We made a new skull,new torso,new limbs and put him back to work.He was so good he put 50 men out of work".

The Aussie, not to be outdone,replied..." I was walking down the street when a fart wafted past.I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag and got to work.First we wrapped an a*s*hole around it, built it into a bum, attached a body to one end and limbs to the other and gradually it turned into John Howard,and he has put the whole country out of work!!"

Have a great Week End every one I'm working so I expect you all to make up for my suffering.

Col ]:)

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Men vs Women - again! (still)

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Women's English

"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry." =You'll be sorry.
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"Is my butt fat" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

Men's English

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage. I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now.
"Lets talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

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