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Friday Yuk

By mjwx ·
Hi everyone,

Shame I couln't put this straght into my post but.

http://members.westnet.com.au/mjwx/

I dont have the Internet on at home at the moment (I have dialup but no modem) as I got my ADSL cut off becuase I am moving soon. So I will not be back until monday (sunday for all of you on the other side of the world).

Have a good weekend.

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From the Pilots

by Mickster269 In reply to Rules of the Air

Airline Pilot Jokes
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Remember that the conversations are heard by all pilots on that frequency in that area.

(Once again, this was submitted to me, so I can't actually verify if this is true or just modern urban myth. Enjoy in any case. - Vikar)

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a little peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."


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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"


he Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the **** are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Here we are ... Some actual Squawks

by stargazerr In reply to From the Pilots

"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.


(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.



(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.


(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.



(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.


(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.


(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.


(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.


(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.


(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.


(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Here's a "squawk" someone told me about, I can't vouch for its authenticity though: Anon



P: Unfamiliar noise from engine.

S: Ran engine continuously for 4 hours - noise now familiar.

]:)

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One for the girls/women here. ;\

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

Thinking Woman

A man returned to camp after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. So his wife decided to take his boat out on the water to read in the quiet of the great outdoors. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and started reading her book. Just as she became engrossed in the book (and the serenity of her surroundings), a game warden approached in a motorboat. He pulled alongside the woman's boat and politely asked: "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book ," she replied with some frustration with the disturbance. "You're in a restricted fishing area." The woman politely replied: "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing,
I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment and could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up" "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman. "But I haven't touched you." he replied. "That's true, but you have all the equipment and could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am." he said as he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she thinks as well.

Who can argue with this?

Col ]:)

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On that note

by stargazerr In reply to One for the girls/women h ...

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS "

]:)

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Good One SG :)

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to On that note

Wouldn't work here as I Hate Coffee and it would most likely kill anyone who drank what I made. :^0

But I love that one I'll have to point it out to several of my so called Friends who end up costing me thousands it should get them going.

Col ]:)

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That is too weird!

by Old Guy In reply to On that note

I just read that in an email this morning. Wow, great minds, huh?

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No coffee for me

by blieffring In reply to On that note

I can't drink coffee. It keeps me awake all day at work.

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Marriage in the Afterlife?

by Mickster269 In reply to Friday Yuk

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

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The difference between...

by Bubba69 In reply to Friday Yuk

Know the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a straight rodeo the crowd yells "Ride that Sucker!"

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It's not so much a yuk

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

But JD did express a desire to start earwigs up again.

I think I have the worst 3. And they've all been in my head within the past week.

I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA - Donna Fargo

Ode to Billie Joe - Bobbie Gentry

Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me - Mac Davis

If these songs don't drive you crazy..well, then maybe you should come an work for me.

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