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Friday Yuk

By mjwx ·
Hi everyone,

Shame I couln't put this straght into my post but.

I dont have the Internet on at home at the moment (I have dialup but no modem) as I got my ADSL cut off becuase I am moving soon. So I will not be back until monday (sunday for all of you on the other side of the world).

Have a good weekend.

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Though you make an interesting case here Mae

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to It's not so much a yuk

I no longer work Big Business so I'll gracefully decline.

Col ]:)

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But Col

by maecuff In reply to Though you make an intere ...

I'm the best boss. I'm nice and I'm reasonable. I never require ego stroking. I always give my department credit when we use our powers for good. I've never once punched ANY of my employees in the face, although, I DID intentionally trip one once.

If you ever change your mind..

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NAH Mae I wouldn't fit in

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to But Col

I tend to ignore Company policy and do the right thing so I drive the Upper Management Nuts. But I have run departments previously and all my staff called me nasty names and insisted that I worked them all way to hard. Then threw a party when I quit in a show of them all being freed from my Bondage.

But to make things even worse every one of the Mongrels kept following me around from place to place when I moved jobs and insisted that the liked me but still kept complaining all the time. Now that I'm a free agent they are still working for me and I'm now working harder than I ever did when I worked Big Business.

I really only wanted to work a few hours per week and then have time to play with my toys which I buy but insist on giving to She Who Must Be Obeyed as she can't complain when I buy her presents can she? What's even better she can't complain when I spend lots of money on her cars as I'm doing it for her.

I tried the same trick with Ducati's but it failed miserably and whats worse is she keeps calling me an Indian Giver for taking the bike off her and racing it. Even though she couldn't actually ride it she still insists that I stole it from her, I'm just thankful that she likes Classic Mercedes or I'd be in real trouble and unable to buy the cars that I want to have here. I should be getting her Coupe back soon after a rebirth with all new paint work and nice new interior I'm just glad that she didn't see her car when I was last there without doors and lots of it cut off due to rust. She'll love it when it returns but I'm just glad that she hasn't seen whats been done to it to get it back to better than Original.

If I moved over there I would have to have all the Merces changed to Left Hand Drive and it wouldn't work out. You'd also constantly have me in Purgatory for not doing as I'm told but I very much doubt that I would enjoy the punishment as much as I did here as they sent me to places that I really wanted to go and where no others where happy working.

I mess with Mainframe Boards and repair them and I get punished go figure but they sent me to a small department that supplied Racing Engine Management Systems and I was back in the motor racing again and fought tooth and nail to stay there with all the travel and weekend work. It's terrible work but someone has to do it. :^0

Besides I would guarantee that within 2 weeks you'd be chasing me around with a running chainsaw to teach me a lesson, it would ruin your image.

Col ]:)

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It could only HELP my image.

by maecuff In reply to NAH Mae I wouldn't fit in

I live in a tiny little redneck town..most of my employees are humorless, unimaginative gits. And they all look at me as though they're waiting for me to turn into my true self. They think I'm odd. They really don't get my sense of humor. On the other's very easy to make fun of them without them knowing it.

I'm not much on towing the line either, however, I am enough of a wh*re to keep myself in line enough to continue collecting my paycheck.

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Mae you don't know what you are asking

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to It could only HELP my ima ...

One time when I was running a training course I walked into the room dragging a 12 foot stock whip and a pair of handcuffs and when I had finally dragged all of the stock whip in I then turned to the people I was supposed to be teaching as said words to the effect If any one of you BARSTEWARDS F##KUP one of my machines I'm going to handcuff you to that hook in the wall and whip the SH1T out of you and then whip you some more for making a mess on the floor! The guy fresh to AU from the company nearly fell off the chair he was sitting on and then at the first break walked around to everyone present trying to get just one to make a complaint about my actions. After he spoke to each one who all declined they came in and told me to Watch My Back as he was out to get me. :^0

When we returned from the break I then said again with the whip and handcuffs that you mongrels all say you are my friends so why wont one of you make the BLOODY Complaint so I can get the Hell out of here and have some peace and quite. The new boy did fall off his chair then and beat a hasty retreat from the room, I didn't see him for the rest of that course and no one would confirm his account of the happenings at the training course. What made it even worse was one of the first timers there actually rang the CEO and complemented him on the way I ran the course and insisted that he had learned more in 2 days than what he had picked up in the last 10 years. What made it even worse was that he went around to all the competition and kept telling everyone just how great I was and that if they got a chance to grab me with both hands and not let go. It was embarrassing when all the people that I knew from the other companies told me about what was being said about me.

I'm the original Square Peg in a Round Hole and I know it. After all how many service departments can have a quantile on their stock sheets of -65 on one rare and unobtainable part? This was the number of reco Circuit Boards from the 9300 IBM Mainframe that I had "in stock" when everyone else was screaming their heads off for stock and the company here was projecting a 6 month waiting list for replacements. And the accountant who realized what it was that I had been doing wasn't even happy and insisted that I be sent off for punishment for fixing the things and charging them out at the Full Reco Rates. I think that what made things even worse was that the boards that I repaired didn't break again either. :)

Col ]:)

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two cows..

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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