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Friday Yuk

By neilb@uk ·
Sterotypes today. Let's see who get offended!

Paddy and Murphy are walking down by the river, when they see a fisherman walking home with a really big trout.

"Excuse me there sir" asked Murphy, "how did you go about catching that fine trout?"

"Well" said the fisherman, "I was leaning over the bridge, and when he swam past I grabbed him so I did".

"Right Paddy" said Murphy, "You hold my feet and dangle me over the bridge, and when a trout swims past, I'll grab him so I will".

So Paddy holds Murphy's feet as he hangs over the bridge and waits for a trout to swim past.

20 minutes go by.

Suddenly Murphy shouts "Paddy, Paddy, pull me up quick!!"

"Have you got a trout?" asks Paddy.

"No" says Murphy, "there's a f***ing train coming!!!"

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Anger management...

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need totake it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it outon someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is OJ. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"

It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a$$hole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.

Then I called A$$hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said!

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police
helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

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Similar incident....

by GaijinIT In reply to Anger management...

About 1983 in Battle Creek, Michigan (that's right, 'Cereal City', home of 'Kellogg's Corn Flakes' and nothing else) something similar to your hilarious story happened to me.

Some guy called my house (a wrong number), and he sounded like an extremely angry black man. He started yelling imediately, "I know all about you ****ing around with my wife, and I'm coming over there to your house right now to kick your a**!!"

Since I knew he had to have the wrong number, I started messing with him, telling him, "Yeah, you're right, and she is really tasty, too. If you want to talk it over more seriously, bring it on, **hole, I'm waiting."

I then hung up the phone, called the police, gave them my address, told them I had just received a threatening phone call, then got my hunting bow and some arrows (just in case - EVERYONE in Michigan has several guns except me)and got behind the hedge at the side of my driveway to wait to see what would happen. I hoped I wouldn't have to put an arrow through the guy's leg or something (I was an excellent shot with a bow, hunting deer every year and competing).

The police showed up in about 10 minutes. I tossed out the bow & arrows, put my hands up, and came out, explaining this was my house and that I had called them. They had their guns out and were ready for anything, so I was cautious to walk slowly.

I checked the newspaper the next day and nobody was killed by any irate husbands, so probably the guy changed his mind or it only resulted in a bout of fisticuffs, but I really had fun rattling his chain.

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LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIONS LIST!

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

That is the first time I ever say the "same" discussion listed twice! :^O

Ok, today it doesn't take a lot to amuse me....

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Slow day today?

by Mickster269 In reply to LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIO ...

Here, let me help:

::juggles::

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JD, have you ever seen Toy Story??

by maecuff In reply to LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIO ...

A line from that movie came to mind when I read your post.

You are a sad strange little man and you have my pity. :)

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yes

by jdclyde In reply to JD, have you ever seen To ...

I LOVE that show!

only problem is, I am too happy to be sad!
Strange? guess I don't have a defense against that one.


Have a grand weekend anyways!

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Strange is good..

by maecuff In reply to yes

Normal is kinda boring.

I hope you have a great weekend. I'm with you. I'm in a good mood and it would take a lot to hurt it now. I've been sick for two weeks and today is the first day that I've felt human. It's Friday. I'm going out with my husband and my son and I have martinis waiting for me as soon as I leave in 32 minutes..

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This means WAR!

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

You might be a Michigander if

If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake...
If snow tires come standard on all your cars...
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry...
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town...
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up...
If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is...
If someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
If "Down South" to you means Toledo...
If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon...
If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers"...
If a Big Mac is something you can drive across...
If you got a passport to go to Ohio...
If your kid's baseball or softball games have been ever been snowed out..
If the trees in your backyard have spigots...
If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists...
If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"...
If you know what a pastie is...
If you drive 80 mph on the highway and pass on the right...
If you think there are only TWO seasons, Hockey Season and Off-Season...
If you know how to play Euchre...
If You classify your friends & relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here," (also classified as "Green Bay Fans," "Detroit Fans," "Toronto Fans," and "not from 'round here")...
If You know at least 2 yooper jokes (like the one about the 2 brothers from Ipsheming who run red lights)...
If You can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands...
If You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...
If You know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities...
If You've been to **** and to Paradise & back again...
If You had Tornado Drills in elementary school...
If You can actually pronounce Ypsilanti...
If your idea of reaching Climax is driving just past Kalamazoo...
If the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
If nothing weighs more than you do...
If you laugh hysterically at the "suckers" during movies of the week about hurricanes...
If you can travel through Detroit and not get mugged...
If a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
You eat muskrat on Fridays during Lent because it's "seafood"...
When you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada'...
If formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
If you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...
If you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
If your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
If you know where the city of Ocqueoc is AND can pronounce it...
If you have more fishing poles than teeth...
If you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...
If you know that Ontonogan isn't a geometry term...
If you know where the Cherry Capital of the World is...
If you get wet going too far left or right...
If three out of four of your friends work for "The Big Three"...
If you know what "The Big Three" means...
If you know WHY Paradise is colder than ****...
If you know that Saline isn't just a term for contact solution...
If your town has a blizzard AND a tornado in the same week...
If you want Toledo BACK...
If November 15 is a paid holiday from work...
If you drive six miles and wonder where the lake is...
If your wife's Lady Remington is a 30.30

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you forgot

by jdclyde In reply to This means WAR!

If you give directions in time instead of miles.

Note: we do NOT want "Toledo"!

Fess up, how many on that list didn't you understand? (yes, they are correct though)

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I didn't "get" more than half

by neilb@uk In reply to you forgot

But I managed to work out a few more with the help of a map. I cut out about twenty more which I really didn't understand!



If you know how to play Euchre...I don't!

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