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  • #2192806

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by neilb@uk ·

    Sterotypes today. Let’s see who get offended!

    Paddy and Murphy are walking down by the river, when they see a fisherman walking home with a really big trout.

    “Excuse me there sir” asked Murphy, “how did you go about catching that fine trout?”

    “Well” said the fisherman, “I was leaning over the bridge, and when he swam past I grabbed him so I did”.

    “Right Paddy” said Murphy, “You hold my feet and dangle me over the bridge, and when a trout swims past, I’ll grab him so I will”.

    So Paddy holds Murphy’s feet as he hangs over the bridge and waits for a trout to swim past.

    20 minutes go by.

    Suddenly Murphy shouts “Paddy, Paddy, pull me up quick!!”

    “Have you got a trout?” asks Paddy.

    “No” says Murphy, “there’s a f***ing train coming!!!”

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3091187

      History Repeats itself

      by stargazerr ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Only 23 posts … Understandable, why you missed it :p

      http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-11189-0.html?forumID=3&threadID=189543&start=0

      ]:)

      • #3091185

        Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to History Repeats itself

        Check the date of the first post on that thread and the date of the first post on mine! I accept no counterfeit Thursday Yuks masquerading as real Yuks!

        And I was busy so haven’t really been watching…

        Oh I’m so ashamed… :_| :_| :_|

        • #3091108

          LEAVE HIM ALONE GAZER!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!

          It isn’t his fault that everyone ignores him! B-)

        • #3091097

          Ignore who?

          by mickster269 ·

          In reply to LEAVE HIM ALONE GAZER!

          Who are you talking about, jdclyde?

        • #3091093

          actually

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Ignore who?

          I can’t remember. ;\

          His name was just on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t place it. Must not have been too important… :O

      • #3091151

        Maybe he just likes his own personal YUK thread?

        by mickster269 ·

        In reply to History Repeats itself

        Now you’ve gone and hurt his feelings.

      • #3091133

        What;s it doing in ‘Network Administration’?

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to History Repeats itself

        When I’m busy, I’ve only got time for Miscellaneous

        😀

    • #3091154

      All that Meat and No Potato’s

      by dugadugdug ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”

      He tells her, “That’s 100 lb. of dynamite, baby.”

      He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have.”

      The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lb. of dynamite, baby.”

      He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

      The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”

      • #3087049

        The Scary Tattoo…(remember, it’s just a joke)

        by gaijinit ·

        In reply to All that Meat and No Potato’s

        ‘Anything for a shock’ former basketball great Dennis Rodman talked a beautiful young lady into joining him in his hotel suite for a ‘bit of fun’.

        When Dennis started disrobing, the young lady mentioned that he had a lot of tattoos.
        He replied, “Yeah, some of them are even paid for by sponsors.”

        He continued to undress and the lady kept glancing at his tattoos as they were revealed. Suddenly she screamed, grabbed her clothes, and started to run out the door.

        “Hey, what’s wrong?” Dennis asked.

        She replied, “I won’t go to bed with you after seeing THAT tattoo!”

        “Where?” he asked. “Down there,” she replied. “The one that says “AIDS”.

        “Oh,” Dennis said, “wait a minute, you can’t see it all yet.”

        After a minute, as the area where it was affixed grew in size, the tattoo changed from “AIDS” to “ADIDAS”

    • #3091095

      Anger management…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need totake it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it outon someone you don’t know.

      I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
      saying “Hello.”

      I politely said, “This is OJ. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”

      Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in number!” and the phone was slammed down on me.

      I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

      After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

      When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an a$$hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘a$$hole’
      next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

      Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a$$hole!”

      It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “a$$hole calling” would have to stop.

      So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

      He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a$$hole!”

      One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

      Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

      A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

      “Yes, it is”, he said.

      “Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.

      “Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

      “What’s your name?” I asked.

      “My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

      “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

      “I’m home every evening after five.”

      “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

      “Yes?”

      “Don, you’re an a$$hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

      Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.

      “Hello.”

      “You’re an a$$hole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

      “Are you still there?” he asked.

      “Yeah,” I said.

      “Stop calling me,” he screamed.

      “Make me,” I said.

      “Who are you?” he asked.

      “My name is Don Hansen.”

      “Yeah? Where do you live?”

      “A$$hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

      He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

      I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a$$hole,” and hung up.

      Then I called A$$hole #2. “Hello?” he said.

      “Hello, a$$hole,” I said.

      He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”

      “You’ll what?” I said!

      “I’ll kick your a$$,” he exclaimed.

      I answered, “Well, a$$hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

      Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
      there to kill my gay lover.

      Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

      I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

      I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police
      helicopter and a news crew.

      NOW I feel much better.

      Anger management really works…

      • #3087103

        Similar incident….

        by gaijinit ·

        In reply to Anger management…

        About 1983 in Battle Creek, Michigan (that’s right, ‘Cereal City’, home of ‘Kellogg’s Corn Flakes’ and nothing else) something similar to your hilarious story happened to me.

        Some guy called my house (a wrong number), and he sounded like an extremely angry black man. He started yelling imediately, “I know all about you ****ing around with my wife, and I’m coming over there to your house right now to kick your a**!!”

        Since I knew he had to have the wrong number, I started messing with him, telling him, “Yeah, you’re right, and she is really tasty, too. If you want to talk it over more seriously, bring it on, **hole, I’m waiting.”

        I then hung up the phone, called the police, gave them my address, told them I had just received a threatening phone call, then got my hunting bow and some arrows (just in case – EVERYONE in Michigan has several guns except me)and got behind the hedge at the side of my driveway to wait to see what would happen. I hoped I wouldn’t have to put an arrow through the guy’s leg or something (I was an excellent shot with a bow, hunting deer every year and competing).

        The police showed up in about 10 minutes. I tossed out the bow & arrows, put my hands up, and came out, explaining this was my house and that I had called them. They had their guns out and were ready for anything, so I was cautious to walk slowly.

        I checked the newspaper the next day and nobody was killed by any irate husbands, so probably the guy changed his mind or it only resulted in a bout of fisticuffs, but I really had fun rattling his chain.

    • #3091090

      LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIONS LIST!

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      That is the first time I ever say the “same” discussion listed twice! :^O

      Ok, today it doesn’t take a lot to amuse me…. 😀

      • #3091086

        Slow day today?

        by mickster269 ·

        In reply to LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIONS LIST!

        Here, let me help:

        ::juggles::

      • #3091084

        JD, have you ever seen Toy Story??

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to LOOK AT THE HOT DISCUSSIONS LIST!

        A line from that movie came to mind when I read your post.

        You are a sad strange little man and you have my pity. 🙂

        • #3091072

          yes

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD, have you ever seen Toy Story??

          I LOVE that show!

          only problem is, I am too happy to be sad!
          Strange? guess I don’t have a defense against that one.

          Have a grand weekend anyways! 😀

        • #3091070

          Strange is good..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to yes

          Normal is kinda boring.

          I hope you have a great weekend. I’m with you. I’m in a good mood and it would take a lot to hurt it now. I’ve been sick for two weeks and today is the first day that I’ve felt human. It’s Friday. I’m going out with my husband and my son and I have martinis waiting for me as soon as I leave in 32 minutes..

    • #3091082

      This means WAR!

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      You might be a Michigander if

      If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding…
      If your definition of a small town is one that doesn’t have a lake…
      If snow tires come standard on all your cars…
      If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry…
      If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week…
      If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town…
      If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up…
      If you don’t understand what the big deal about Chicago is…
      If someone asks you if you’ve been to Europe and you answer, “No, but I’ve been to Ann Arbor…”
      If “Down South” to you means Toledo…
      If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon…
      If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as “trolls” or “lopers”…
      If a Big Mac is something you can drive across…
      If you got a passport to go to Ohio…
      If your kid’s baseball or softball games have been ever been snowed out..
      If the trees in your backyard have spigots…
      If you know that a place called “Kalamazoo” really exists…
      If you bake with “soda” and drink “pop”…
      If you know what a pastie is…
      If you drive 80 mph on the highway and pass on the right…
      If you think there are only TWO seasons, Hockey Season and Off-Season…
      If you know how to play Euchre…
      If You classify your friends & relatives as “yoopers,” “trolls,” “Canadians,” or “not from ’round here,” (also classified as “Green Bay Fans,” “Detroit Fans,” “Toronto Fans,” and “not from ’round here”)…
      If You know at least 2 yooper jokes (like the one about the 2 brothers from Ipsheming who run red lights)…
      If You can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands…
      If You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday…
      If You know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities…
      If You’ve been to Hell and to Paradise & back again…
      If You had Tornado Drills in elementary school…
      If You can actually pronounce Ypsilanti…
      If your idea of reaching Climax is driving just past Kalamazoo…
      If the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do…
      If nothing weighs more than you do…
      If you laugh hysterically at the “suckers” during movies of the week about hurricanes…
      If you can travel through Detroit and not get mugged…
      If a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer…
      You eat muskrat on Fridays during Lent because it’s “seafood”…
      When you tell someone where you are from and they say: ‘I thought that was part of Canada’…
      If formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap…
      If you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August…
      If you define “swimming season” as Labor Day weekend…
      If your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost…
      If you know where the city of Ocqueoc is AND can pronounce it…
      If you have more fishing poles than teeth…
      If you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend…
      If you know that Ontonogan isn’t a geometry term…
      If you know where the Cherry Capital of the World is…
      If you get wet going too far left or right…
      If three out of four of your friends work for “The Big Three”…
      If you know what “The Big Three” means…
      If you know WHY Paradise is colder than Hell…
      If you know that Saline isn’t just a term for contact solution…
      If your town has a blizzard AND a tornado in the same week…
      If you want Toledo BACK…
      If November 15 is a paid holiday from work…
      If you drive six miles and wonder where the lake is…
      If your wife’s Lady Remington is a 30.30

      • #3091071

        you forgot

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to This means WAR!

        If you give directions in time instead of miles.

        Note: we do NOT want “Toledo”!

        Fess up, how many on that list didn’t you understand? (yes, they are correct though) 😀

        • #3091060

          I didn’t “get” more than half

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to you forgot

          But I managed to work out a few more with the help of a map. I cut out about twenty more which I [b]really[/b] didn’t understand!

          :p

          If you know how to play Euchre…I don’t!

        • #3091047

          Euchre

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I didn’t “get” more than half

          used to play that in Algebra class all the time! Mr. Clark would let us do whatever we wanted provide we kept a “B” or higher. You drop below that B and you have to sit in the front and listen to the lecture and start doing homework! He gave us a LOT of incentive to do good.

          He would even let us go to the corner store, but only if we brought him back a “pop”!

          Maybe I will go down the list later on…..

        • #3091019

          We still

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Euchre

          play. My husband and I play with his sister and her husband whenever we get together. When I was in voc-tech (back in the early 80’s) that’s all we did on breaks.

      • #3087101

        From a Michigander-GREAT!GREAT!!

        by gaijinit ·

        In reply to This means WAR!

        I forwarded your list to all my family still imprisoned in Michigan. I have seen many of these, for Philippinos, Irish, Mexicans, West Virginians, so many…but this is the first I have seen for Michigan. Made me homesick. Or just sick, not sure which, they are about the same when your home is Michigan.

        Thanks, but no war, I agree with most of it, which is why I left 20 years ago.

        Check out thrse links for a hilarious ‘family album’…I think these people are from Michigan (I think I may even have met some of them!):

        (Part 1)http://www.ebaumsworld.com/family.html
        (Part 2)http://www.ebaumsworld.com/family2.html

        ——————
        Here’s one for you…(another Irish joke)
        ——————
        An Irish daughter had not been to her family’s house for over 5 years.

        Upon her return, her father cussed her; “Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn’t you write us? Not even a line to let us
        know how you were doing? Why didn’t you call? You little tramp! Don’t you know what you put your Mum through??!!”

        The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I was too ashamed….I’ve been working as a prostitute…then I married one of my customers
        who died and left me a widow….”

        “WHAT!!? Get out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family – I don’t ever want to see you again!”

        “OK, Dad – as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
        certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible
        that’s parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club…(takes a breath)… an invitation for you all to spend New Years’ Eve
        on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

        Her father interrupted her; “Wait – what was it you said you had become?”

        The girl, crying again, answered; “Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Dad! …I?m so sorry!….Sniff, sniff”

        “Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! – you scared me half to death, girl!I thought you said you had become a Protestant”.

        Now come here and give your old man a big hug!”
        ——————–

    • #3091013

      More computer Hic-ups

      by ozi eagle ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Here I am, Saturday morning and I ‘m sitting at my computer, having to WORK.
      Anyway enjoy these computer gems.

      More computer Hic-ups

      Computer Tech Support

      Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?

      Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?

      Customer: Yeah….

      Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

      Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..

      Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

      Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

      Female customer: A white one.

      Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.

      Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

      Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

      Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

      Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry.

      Tech support: Click on the ‘My Computer’ icon on the left of the screen.

      Customer: Your left or my left?

      Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

      Male customer: Hello. I can’t print.

      Tech support: Would you click on “Start” for me and…

      Customer: Listen pal, don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, darn it!

      Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer.’ I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

      Customer: I have problems printing in red.

      Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

      Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

      Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

      Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

      Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

      Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

      Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

      Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

      Customer: OK.

      Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

      Customer: Yes

      Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

      Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah..that one does work.

      Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

      Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

      Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

      Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

      Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

      Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

      Customer: Five stars.

      Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?

      Customer: Netscape.

      Tech support: That’s not an antivirus program.

      Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

      Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

      Tech support: How may I help you?

      Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

      Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

      Customer: Well, I have the letter “a” in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

      A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

      Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

      Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

      The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”

      And last, but not least….

      Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”

      Customer: I don’t have a P.

      Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

      Customer: What do you mean?

      Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.

      Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

      • #3090998

        the scary one

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to More computer Hic-ups

        [i]”Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
        Customer: Netscape.
        Tech support: That’s not an antivirus program.
        Customer: Oh, sorry…[b]Internet Explorer.”[/i]

        The customer was closer to the truth than they realized! 😀

        • #3090878

          Little Melissa

          by drofjoy ·

          In reply to the scary one

          Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

          “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

          Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”

          “Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

          “Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.

          “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

          “And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

          Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with tears in his eyes. “Melissa,” he says, “that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

          “I know,” Melissa says, “and once he gets out in the open, the Marines can shoot the son-of-a-bi*ch.”

        • #3077852

          backwards there jd..

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to the scary one

          internet exploer isn’t an antivirus it is a virus.

        • #3133788

          was my intention

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to backwards there jd..

          that it is a big part of the REASON we NEED the AV!

      • #3077912

        Some Peoples is Sooooo Stewpit

        by thelurch ·

        In reply to More computer Hic-ups

        Used to work for a regional ISP and a story goes around about the first days of Internet access (They were originally a BBS, so that gives you a pretty good idea how far back in history we’re talking here…)

        This ISP made an exchange deal with a local TV station for services, so they received free ads, and like all free ads, they were broadcast at that ungodly hour of night when most drunks are coming home from the bars……

        A couple of our tech guys were working on the T-1 lines and servers in the dead of night when the phone rings. It’s a possible new client, or so they thought.

        A drunk had just seen the television ad and was asking how he could get one of those “Internet Credit Cards” they were talking about.

        (The ads was stating that you could pay for service easy with a credit card…)

    • #3091828

      USA vs USAF

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room
      was taken.
      “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a motel
      proprietor.
      “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he
      is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to
      split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people
      in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be
      worth it to you.”
      ” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.”
      The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy
      tailed.
      “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
      “Never better”, said the soldier.
      The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy
      snoring all night long?”
      “No,I shut him up in no time”, explained
      the soldier.
      “How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor.
      “Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the
      room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then, I
      whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night long
      watching me.”

      *********************************************************************************************************

      Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, “Where’s the
      bathroom?”
      The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two
      more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask,
      “Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they
      rush in.
      One piggy walks into the bar.
      He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. “Hey,
      buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is?” asks the bartender.
      “No thanks,” the piggy slurs, “I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way
      home!”

      *******************************************************************************************************
      A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
      She called the obituary department and said,
      “This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead.”
      The man at the newspaper said,
      “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.”
      The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”

      *******************************************************************************************************

      There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin
      and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and
      the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin
      had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is
      equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #3087092

        Navy vs Marines

        by gaijinit ·

        In reply to USA vs USAF

        A sailor was using the toilet, when a Marine walked in and also stepped up to a urinal.

        The sailor finished, buttoned up the front of his trousers, and started to walk out the door.

        The Marine said, “Hey, squid, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands after using the toilet.”

        The sailor smiled and said, “Really? In the Navy, they teach us not to pee on our fingers.”

    • #3087107

      Excellent!!

      by gaijinit ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      My Dear neilb@…

      You are one sick puppy. Heheheheh…That’s why I always look forward so much to reading anything with your handle on it in the various Tech Republic discussions. You never fail to make me laugh and lighten my often dreary work mornings here in Yokohama.

      I suggested some books for you on your recent search for reading material. Every time I read one of your postings I always get a good laugh, you have such a humourous viewpoint. I have an American-Irish friend who has a similar sense about him, here is one of his ‘Irish’ jokes he recently sent me:
      ————————————
      One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”

      And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

      Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

      The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar.”

      “Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

      With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.

      He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the man, “That is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

      “And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

      Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

      Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

      “Ahh, truly ’tis nectar of the gods!” stated the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

      At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

      With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there, too!”
      ——————————-
      Keep up the good work and fighting the good fight, neilb@…, looking forward to reading more of your postings.

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