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Friday Yuk

By neilb@uk ·
Sterotypes today. Let's see who get offended!

Paddy and Murphy are walking down by the river, when they see a fisherman walking home with a really big trout.

"Excuse me there sir" asked Murphy, "how did you go about catching that fine trout?"

"Well" said the fisherman, "I was leaning over the bridge, and when he swam past I grabbed him so I did".

"Right Paddy" said Murphy, "You hold my feet and dangle me over the bridge, and when a trout swims past, I'll grab him so I will".

So Paddy holds Murphy's feet as he hangs over the bridge and waits for a trout to swim past.

20 minutes go by.

Suddenly Murphy shouts "Paddy, Paddy, pull me up quick!!"

"Have you got a trout?" asks Paddy.

"No" says Murphy, "there's a f***ing train coming!!!"

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Euchre

by jdclyde In reply to I didn't "get" more than ...

used to play that in Algebra class all the time! Mr. Clark would let us do whatever we wanted provide we kept a "B" or higher. You drop below that B and you have to sit in the front and listen to the lecture and start doing homework! He gave us a LOT of incentive to do good.

He would even let us go to the corner store, but only if we brought him back a "pop"!

Maybe I will go down the list later on.....

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We still

by maecuff In reply to Euchre

play. My husband and I play with his sister and her husband whenever we get together. When I was in voc-tech (back in the early 80's) that's all we did on breaks.

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From a Michigander-GREAT!GREAT!!

by GaijinIT In reply to This means WAR!

I forwarded your list to all my family still imprisoned in Michigan. I have seen many of these, for Philippinos, Irish, Mexicans, West Virginians, so many...but this is the first I have seen for Michigan. Made me homesick. Or just sick, not sure which, they are about the same when your home is Michigan.

Thanks, but no war, I agree with most of it, which is why I left 20 years ago.

Check out thrse links for a hilarious 'family album'...I think these people are from Michigan (I think I may even have met some of them!):

(Part 1)http://www.ebaumsworld.com/family.html
(Part 2)http://www.ebaumsworld.com/family2.html

------------------
Here's one for you...(another Irish joke)
------------------
An Irish daughter had not been to her family's house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us? Not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I was too ashamed....I've been working as a prostitute...then I married one of my customers
who died and left me a widow...."

"WHAT!!? Get out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Her father interrupted her; "Wait - what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again, answered; "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Dad! ...I?m so sorry!....Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - you scared me half to death, girl!I thought you said you had become a Protestant".

Now come here and give your old man a big hug!"
--------------------

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More computer Hic-ups

by ozi Eagle In reply to Friday Yuk

Here I am, Saturday morning and I 'm sitting at my computer, having to WORK.
Anyway enjoy these computer gems.

More computer Hic-ups

Computer Tech Support

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

---

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one.

---

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.

---

Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

---

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello. I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!

---

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

---

Customer: I have problems printing in red.

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

---

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

---

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK.

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work.

---

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

---

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

---

Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

---

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

---

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

---

A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

---

And last, but not least....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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the scary one

by jdclyde In reply to More computer Hic-ups

"Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer."


The customer was closer to the truth than they realized!

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Little Melissa

by drofjoy In reply to the scary one

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with tears in his eyes. "Melissa," he says, "that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once he gets out in the open, the Marines can shoot the son-of-a-bi*ch."

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backwards there jd..

by Jaqui In reply to the scary one

internet exploer isn't an antivirus it is a virus.

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was my intention

by jdclyde In reply to backwards there jd..

that it is a big part of the REASON we NEED the AV!

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Some Peoples is Sooooo Stewpit

by thelurch In reply to More computer Hic-ups

Used to work for a regional ISP and a story goes around about the first days of Internet access (They were originally a BBS, so that gives you a pretty good idea how far back in history we're talking here...)

This ISP made an exchange deal with a local TV station for services, so they received free ads, and like all free ads, they were broadcast at that ungodly hour of night when most drunks are coming home from the bars......

A couple of our tech guys were working on the T-1 lines and servers in the dead of night when the phone rings. It's a possible new client, or so they thought.

A drunk had just seen the television ad and was asking how he could get one of those "Internet Credit Cards" they were talking about.

(The ads was stating that you could pay for service easy with a credit card...)

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USA vs USAF

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room
was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a motel
proprietor.
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he
is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people
in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
worth it to you."
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy
tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better", said the soldier.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring all night long?"
"No,I shut him up in no time", explained
the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the
room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I
whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night long
watching me."

*********************************************************************************************************

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the
bathroom?"
The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two
more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask,
"Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they
rush in.
One piggy walks into the bar.
He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey,
buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way
home!"

*******************************************************************************************************
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said,
"This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said,
"But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

*******************************************************************************************************

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin
and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and
the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin
had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Dawg ]:)

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