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Friday Yuk

By jzsdii ·
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The Club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines;She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine that simulates an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*it too.

THURSDAY:
Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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My donation - usual topic....!!!

by gadgetgirl In reply to Friday Yuk

Three specifics this week ? as in, specifically for certain peeps round the water cooler??

For Dawg, in Ying Tong Land?..

After many returns to the local Chinese a man gathers enough courage
to go in and ask the beautiful Chinese girl who serves behind the
counter who he's fancied for ages for a date. Surprisingly she agrees
to go out with him the following week.

That week he took her out for dinner and managed to get her back to
his place afterwards. Both of them drunk, they pounce on each other as
soon as they walk through the front door. He gets her up to his
bedroom and tears off her clothes then dives in.

During the heat of the moment he says, "How about a sixty-nine?"

"What!?! I'm not cooking at this time of night!"


For jdclyde ? after all the cooking for country girl, he may want to consider a diet?..!


THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT-LOSS DURING SEX
--------------------------------------------

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
-------- ---------------

REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BE
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION:
For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72
If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room.

INSERTION:
If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM:
Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS:
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT:
After orgasm 0.5
A few moments before orgasm 500

***** ENVY:
For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS:
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT:
By partners' spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian: Man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian: Woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English: Side by side with lights off 10
Scots: Woman on top, man on whisky 69
American: Both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE:
Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150


And finally for jck, before he embarks on his quest to find Irish adoptive parents, marry an Irish girl, or somehow get Irish citizenship from somewhere!!! ]:)

The Kingdom of Irish Sex
------------------------

THE PREPARATION

Friday night is very much love night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac -
12 pints of Guinness and some fish and chips - his mind set on one
thing...
Love!

Or as he says himself, "a ride."

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with
gentle words of passion
"Any chance of a ride then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin,
is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with
the flirtatious reply
"Would ye ever feck off!!!"


FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed.

This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-
fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid mark side down, as
he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant

"Here we go, here we go, here we go."

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher.
This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.


INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's ould willie winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a ****
to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will
offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as
"Ye useless *******, ye" or possibly
"It never happens to the milkman."

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irish man. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation,
"How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?"

The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler.
"Go on then," she says, "but don't disturb me."


DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in
his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from
severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase
"Ah feck, I've shot me load."

If this does occour it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman
likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole."
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word or two of
encouragement such as
"Are you sure it's in?"

Given his level of sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes form of a breathless shout
"Ooyah, ooyah, big boy!"

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like the Irishman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.


Enjoy! Have a wonderful weekend all

(I will! Going out on Saturday night for the first time in a year on a non-work night out! Wonder if I can remember how to stay awake!!)




GG

(or, Jaqui, MM!!)

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And what a donation it was!

by jdclyde In reply to My donation - usual topic ...

well my dearest, you have taken us for a heck of a ride there! (picking on the irish?)

So will GG/mm get golly well rogered at the end of this night on the town? Remember that the most atractive things you can wear in your ears are your ankles! ]:)

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Nope

by gadgetgirl In reply to And what a donation it wa ...
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well

by jdclyde In reply to Nope

fire up the boat and come pick me up. we can swing by and get girli and do this up right! (you HAVE seen that post, right?)

will just have some sheep off on the side to keep MARK distracted! ]:)

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Done!

by gadgetgirl In reply to well

(you would be!)



GG

(yes, will get back to a reply shortly....


Freudian slip.......typed "shorty".....<giggle>

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You're Highness

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Done!

Just remember how fattening Chocolate Body paint is as you're licking it off.

I know by that time you'll not care but next mourning you'll be complaining bitterly about it.

Col ]:)

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those are hilarious, especially the first one

by UncleRob In reply to My donation - usual topic ...

.... I heard a similar joke about a chinese restauranteur getting married and on his wedding night asked his wife for a "69", the chinese wife replied, "You want beef & broccoli?"

I'm not half the joke teller you are so it doesn't come out right I guess. That 69 joke I heard had something to do with a chinese restaurant or something like that.

Keep those funnies, coming - who knew this place could be so serious in one extreme and so funny in another?

but that was hilarious

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" so serious in one extreme and so funny in another?"

by Mickster269 In reply to those are hilarious, espe ...

TR is just like a Mullet - "Buisiness in Front, Party in the Back".

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More to the point GG

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to My donation - usual topic ...

You should be wondering if you'll be waking up in your own bed unaccompanied. :)

If when you do wake up you don't know where you are or who the 2 woman beside you are you know that you had way too much to drink the night before.

I would have offered you some Warning Signs that you where at a Swingers Party of Orgy but by the time you get to read this it will be way to late for you to take head of the advice so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Col ]:)

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An oldie

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

It was entertainment night at the old folks home, and Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience, ALL TOGETHER!"

There was an excited buzz in the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH|T!"

It took three weeks to clean up the old folks home

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