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Friday Yuk

By jzsdii ·
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The Club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines;She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine that simulates an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*it too.

THURSDAY:
Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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An oldie but sweetie

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Hello."


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.


"Yes," whispered the small voice.


"May I talk with him?"


The child whispered, "No."


Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"


"Yes."


"May I talk with her?"


Again the small voice whispered, "No."


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"


"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"


"No, he's busy", whispered the child.


"Busy doing what?"


"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.


Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"


"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.


"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered,


"The search team just landed the hello-copper."


Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


"Me."

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There goes my lunch all over the monitor again

by stargazerr In reply to An oldie but sweetie

Ohh ... why? why? why? why do I have to read the Friday yuk during lunch? ...

]:)

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A SMART person

by jdclyde In reply to There goes my lunch all o ...

would still be eating their breakfast (like me!)

oatmeal.... I wear my food well! ;\ (9am here)

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I am flummoxed

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk

Do stairs go up or down ??

Can a person with no ears wear glasses?

If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it???

Can an unborn baby fart or burp???

]:)

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International Rules of Manhood

by CorTech In reply to Friday Yuk

International Rules of Manhood

1 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2 It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

3 Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4 Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually
marry her.

6 Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11 It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

12 Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.

15 If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just
greedy.

19 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.

21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24 The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25 It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28 There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

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Says a friend...

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk

Why I fired my secretary . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife,kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

]:)

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Classic urban legend

by JamesRL In reply to Says a friend... ;)

And a fine cartoon short called "Bob's Birthday"

I'm obviously not very funny myself, but I can make fun of others....

James

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Tee Hee Hee

by stargazerr In reply to Classic urban legend

Didnt know that .....

Go ahead and make fun ... Thats what Friday yuks are for ...

But come monday .... and I lash back ;\

]:)

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Bob's Birthday is available

by JamesRL In reply to Tee Hee Hee

There was a BBC/Canadian co-production of a cartoon TV series called Bob and Margaret, and Bob's Birthday was the inspiration - the movie did so well it inspired a series and endless jokes about bad english teeth.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106446/

James

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by CorTech In reply to Friday Yuk

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of eachone in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
a time."


The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin .


When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fallsilent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

It hasn't affected my sisters though !!

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