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Friday Yuk

By Sheeva ·
My first Friday Yuk - Please be gentle . . .

This is what a computer should really do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

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and in all fairness -MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

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There's supposed to be

by jzsdii In reply to and in all fairness -MSDS ...

a new bumper sticker that says "Honk if you want to see my finger".

Do you know why blonds hate M & M's?


They're to hard to peel.

What do you call a blond that dyes her hair brunette?


Artificial intelligence.

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For the Hockey Challenged

by Sheeva In reply to Friday Yuk

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No ****?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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yuk yuk yuk

by jck In reply to Friday Yuk

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq".

"OH NO!", the President exclaims. "That's terrible".

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, heads in hands, rocking backwards and forwards. Finally the President looks up and asks...

"How much is a Brazillion?"

***********************

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."


"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

***********************

Smart Answer No5:


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.


Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."

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.... walks into a bar....

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

This MUSHROOM walks into this bar and sits down at the counter. He was about to order a drink when the bartender took one look at him and said:

"Hey! Get out of here!! WE don't serve MUSHROOMS in this place!!"

Stunned, the MUSHROOM exclaimed: "Awh C'mon I'm a Fun-gi!"

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hehehe

by jck In reply to .... walks into a bar....

I like that one... :)

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A man walks into a bar

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

At the bar of a tiny, deserted pub in Liverpool is a huge Scouser - 6ft 5 and 25 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the ***** fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards the giant he whispers, "Do you want a ****-job?"

At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the street and returns to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?".

"I'm not sure", the big man replies, "something about a job".

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2 priests

by ozi Eagle In reply to Friday Yuk

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

" Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then

yells??

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

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Thank goodness for the differences!

by Meesha In reply to Friday Yuk

How to Choose a Wife . . .

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble
choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns the $5,000 back several times over. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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