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Friday Yuk

By GuruOfDos ·
"If skirts become much shorter,"
Said the typist with a blush,
"There'll be two more cheeks to powder
and a lot more hair to brush!"

Kids in the front seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

The boy stood on the burning deck
and wondered why he'd been born.
His father said "You wouldn't have been,
if the rubber hadn't torn!"

It's been a slow week!

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yes

by jdclyde In reply to erm.....

you would look grand wearing your ankles as ear rings? ]:)


wow, that was subtle......

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subtle

by gadgetgirl In reply to yes

as a brick through a plate glass window, but I would expect no less of you, jd!

Have a wonderful weekend!



GG

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Something you never want to see

by ITgirli In reply to Friday Yuk

Dear Staff:

Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.

Have a nice day.
Human Resources Dept.

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FUNNY

by stargazerr In reply to Something you never want ...

Forwarded it to everyone in the office....Here are some more ... :)


1. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

2. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

3. A woman always has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

4. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

5. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!

6. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

7. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

8. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

9. Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

10. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

11. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

12. If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

13. In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed

14. Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.

15. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

16. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

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Can I have a day off?

by gadgetgirl In reply to Friday Yuk

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what your are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks in a year, in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only ** days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 vacation days each year, which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'm damned if you are going to take that day off.....


(Incidentally, this is framed and hung above my desk - my team know what to expect.....!)

Have a wonderful weekend all!

GG

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chuckle

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

A Father getting out late from work and going back home remembers his daughters birthday and that he has no present for her.
He stops his car in front of a toy store and asks the saleslady " How much does the Barbie in the show window cost?"
Nicely, the sales lady replies "Which Barbie?
We have "Barbie goes to the gym" for $19.95,
"Barbie plays volleyball" $19.95,
"Barbie goes shopping" $19.95,
"Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95,
"Barbie goes dancing" for $19.95,
"Barbie get's divorced" for $265.95,
And the man really surprised asked "Ummm! Why does Barbie Divorced cost $265.95, when all the others price tag is only $19.95.
The sales lady proudly replies: "Sir..., Barbie Divorced comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's yacht, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer and Ken's best friend!"

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by ozi Eagle In reply to chuckle

Ain't it the truth.

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Cougar Barbie

by critch In reply to chuckle

Who's that? It's Cougar Barbie! [Menopause? More like men will pause!] Barbie you're my ...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGpelMWzs6k

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Barbie doesn't...

by critch In reply to chuckle

come with Ken

She comes with Sammy, the pool boy...

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French Humour

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Seeing as the French are taking a kicking in TR, I thought I'd find some French humour for a Vendredi Yuk. This was auto-translated by Google and I've left it as it came - I think you'll understand!
-----------------------
It is a couple very in love, and whose woman is related enough to the thing.
The husband must leave in business trip for several weeks.
Knowing his wife, he thinks that it is necessary that it finds a godemichet to him
really special so that it will not seek a guy while he is
party.
Therefore, it goes to the sex shop of the corner. It exposes its problem to the type which holds
the sex shop. The type is emmerd? a little. ' I have a special machine well, but
really I do not dare to show it to you. It is called ' Voodoo **** ' '. The type
insist: ' Go, make-to see '. Then the type leaves lower part the counter one
superb limps out of invaluable wood with superb engravings. It opens limps it, and
the interior, has there a gode which resembles any other gode.
The husband is disappointed obviously: ' But it does not have anything special your trick!' that it
known as. ' Ah if, attention, this gode, it is special. It does all that one says to him
to make '. And hop demonstration: ' Voodoo ****, the lock '. And Voodoo ****
precipitate on the lock and puts itself at work frantically. ' to stop it,
it is enough to him to say: ' Voodoo **** limps it '. And hop Voodoo **** turns over
wisely in its limps.'
The husband is b?e mouth. ' I take it!' it says.
It returns at his place and explains to his wife the operation of this toy, and
that it can use it when it is in lack of affection.
The following day the husband from goes away.
One week passes, the woman does not want to fornicate.
Then finally during the following week, it starts to think more and more of
sex. Then it remembers the gift of her husband and will seek it.
It is stripped is put at the bed, opens limps it and says ' Voodoo ****, my
she-cat!'. TAC, the machine precipitate in the ****** of the lady and are agitated,
be agitated. The woman starts to take her foot, has a orgasme, two orgasmes, but
Voodoo **** does not tire and continuous to be agitated in the hole. The woman
start to tire, tries to withdraw Voodoo **** but has nothing there to make. It
what does not know and has new a orgasme.
It starts to panic. ' Y has more than one thing to be made, to go to the h?pital'
she says. Thus it is repaired, as well as it can. Takes its car, has
badly to lead when it feels new a orgasme to be pointed, its control is one
not very erratic...
A cop locates this conducting then who seems too much to have drunk and stops it.
The woman explains to him: ' I have Voodoo **** wedged in my she-cat and I arrive
not to withdraw it '.
The cop ' but what it is that this connery?'.
' If, if it is true, it is Voodoo **** in my she-cat '.
Then the cop it says ' Voodoo ****, my bottom!'.

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