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  • #2211817

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    The Man Rules
    We always hear’the rules’ from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side :

    Please note… they are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ; We have NO idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really!

    1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3035697

      Rubber Thingy

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

      The old man snaps back: “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”

    • #3035696

      Helpful Cabby

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

      Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

      The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!”

      The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do?”

      The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

    • #3035695

      Model Neighbour

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
      dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
      had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
      to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

      One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
      between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
      only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model’s
      door and just kept ringing the bell.

      When the model answered, the wife fumed,”I would like to know why it
      is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here.”

      “Well sweetie,” the model purred, “all these interruptions sure ain’t
      helping none either.”

    • #3035694

      Friend For Dinner

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

      “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

      “I know all that.”

      “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

      “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

    • #3035672

      Bump

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      you guys are just no fun anymore…
      no wonder i never make the time to hang around anymore..

      • #3035645

        hey!

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Bump

        you are lucky I even saw it today.

        got 20 minutes before have to be ready to go to my grandma’s funeral.
        🙁

    • #3035671

      Who said?

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [i]1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.[/i]

      … we need it up?

      Of course, if she did the dishes more often, we could pee in the sink and she wouldn’t have to worry about the toilet seat 🙂

      • #3035663

        * groan *

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Who said?

        thats gross… 😀

    • #3035644

      Buddy the Horse

      by darryl~ ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A feller from St. John’s drove his car into a ditch out around da bay. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

      Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

      Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

      Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

      The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

      “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

    • #3035638

      Golf Lessons

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A foursome of guys are waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women
      are hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time. When
      the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
      goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and
      finally hacks it another five feet.

      She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess
      all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

      One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should
      have taken golf lessons instead!”

      He never even had a chance to duck.

    • #3035637

      New Car

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

      “With what money?” demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

      “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

      “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”

      “Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

      He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

      “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”

      • #3035624

        Ah memories

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to New Car

        The first time I heard this one would have been in high school, in 1975. But it was about a Porsche. I’ve also heard Corvette. The example I heard, they found the ad in the paper and father and son went to the house as soon as they could. Needless to say many of us read the newspaper’s classified section closely for a while, not understanding the legend part.

        The child abuse angle would have never occured to us back then.

        James

        James

        • #3035617

          Porsche?

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Ah memories

          Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

          The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,

          “Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?”

          “Sure, that sounds great!” said Julie.

          “Well, how much do you want me to pay you?” asked the man.

          “Is fifty bucks all right?” Julie asked.

          “Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”

          The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

          “Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife.

          “Well, she must, she was standing right on it!” her husband replied.

          About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. “I’m all finished,” she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

          “You painted the whole porch?” “Yeah,” Julie replied, “I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!” The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

          “Oh, and by the way,” said Julie, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

    • #3035635

      True user request from earlier this afternoon:

      by charliespencer ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “Would you move my computer somewhere else? There’s a mouse in my cubicle.”

    • #3035628

      Dog’s in the bar

      by slayer_ ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

      The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

      They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”

      The bouncer said, “A Doberman?” The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.” The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

      The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

      Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a farking Chihuahua???!!!”

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