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friday yuk

By j.lupo ·
I thought I might beat OZ with this one. I found it amusing. It at least put a smile on my face and thought I would share at the end of a long week. :)
________________________________
Subject: Try saying . . .

I just received this memo from management. Please do your best to
comply.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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And problems take too long to report on a Friday

by jdclyde In reply to Must be you

or so it seems. I will hear about all the things that stopped working today, on Monday.

I don't mind as I always have projects I am working on, and only do customer support to handle the over flow from my co-worker who is to blame for doing that. (blame=responsible. Same thing.)

I think I need to go test out our VPN from the access point up by the local bar, cheers!

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ANGRY, who me?

by anykey??? In reply to Angry?

TRY SAYING
Are you having an adverse reaction to the happiness surrounding you?
INSTEAD OF
Are you angry?

When it comes to being busy on fridays I think it is more about getting the **** outta dodge than fulfilling promises.

TRY SAYING
Yes, I am very busy for a friday.
INSTEAD OF
Yes I'm busy you f***ing retard, does it look like I have my thumb up my @ss or what.

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Now THERE is someone

by jdclyde In reply to ANGRY, who me?

who needs a beer.

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Go home

by CorTech In reply to Now THERE is someone

Lets all call off work today due to lack of interest.

Drinks are on me.

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Oh I am sure

by jdclyde In reply to Go home

that wouldn't take too much arm bending to fill the local pub, esp as the sun is out and the weather is great!

Can you say "spring fever"?

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you name the place and time....

by anykey??? In reply to Oh I am sure

I'll tell'em I gotta problem with my eyes and need to leave(problem being that I can't SEE a f**kin reason to be here today).I live in IND. so I'm lookin at some drive time BTW.

By the way since I'm a big boy (6'2" 360#'s)all beer does to me is make my bladder swell.
I believe that if it aint 80 proof or more it aint worth drinkin.

TRY SAYING
I am not feeling well, I need to go to see the doctor and get this checked out.
INSTEAD OF
screw you @ssholes I'm going to the house

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I'm in

by j.lupo In reply to Oh I am sure

just tell me when and where. Of course I'm comin from NJ so what anykey???? said goes for me too about the drive time.

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can you say...

by anykey??? In reply to Oh I am sure

ROAD TRIP,

I knew you could

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put this on your list of things to never do...

by anykey??? In reply to friday yuk

I found this on another website that I'm a member of....man is it fuuuunnnnnee!


Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story, so that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble sh_ting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ***-hair had grown to such a length that tiny t-rds were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my turds will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my @ss shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my @ss of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My *** was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for @ss-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic sh_t- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky sh_t/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my *** off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering sh_t/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my @ss cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own sh_t blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my @ss at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ***-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my @sscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your @ss having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR @SS-HAIR!

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ROTFLMAO - he he he he he

by j.lupo In reply to put this on your list of ...

Ok, the tears are streaming down my face. That was just too funny. :) :)

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