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friday yuk

By j.lupo ·
I thought I might beat OZ with this one. I found it amusing. It at least put a smile on my face and thought I would share at the end of a long week. :)
________________________________
Subject: Try saying . . .

I just received this memo from management. Please do your best to
comply.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

85 total posts (Page 3 of 9)   Prev   01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05   Next
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kinda makes you...

by anykey??? In reply to ROTFLMAO - he he he he he

appreciate what is going on with all that hair back there

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hic, hic, hic, hic

by j.lupo In reply to kinda makes you...

ok, the hicups have started now. :) I know this shouldn't be that funny. I must be losing it today.

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with the warning

by BHunsinger In reply to put this on your list of ...

This could happen to you!

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Jesse and the Devil

by jdclyde In reply to friday yuk

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to ****, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in ****.

"No," Jessie said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks al! day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . . . .



(This is priceless)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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This is funny

by Sitizn Wille In reply to friday yuk

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school
girls and they all perish.
> >
> > They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates when St. Peter asks
> > the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a male organ?"
> > She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
> > St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
> >
> >
> > St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer, have you ever had any contact
> > with a male organ?"
> > The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
> > St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the
Holy Water and pass through the gate."
> >
> >
> > All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in
the line of girls.
> > One girl is pushing her way to the front of the
line.
> > When she reaches the front, St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
> > The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy Water,
> > I want to do it before Jessica sticks her @ss in
it."
Cheers
SW

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Always a Classic!

by jdclyde In reply to This is funny

Never get tired of it, ya know?

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Love it!

by Salamander In reply to friday yuk

This is going to make the rounds here...thanks!

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My Friday Contribution..

by maecuff In reply to friday yuk

"Marriage"

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was
impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is
impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5! ,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was
impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

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AND???

by jdclyde In reply to My Friday Contribution..

We are still waiting for the punch line.

Don't keep us hanging Mae!


I find myself looking for a woman with high standards, low morals, no gag reflex and big breast for some reason.

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what's up with you???

by maecuff In reply to AND???

Haven't you had enough trouble?? Speaking of big breasts... my 2nd husband told me that he had a very special birthday planned for me (my 31st). He had arranged for me to see a surgeon so that I could have my breasts enlarged and wanted me to get my hair dyed blonde. And couldn't understand why I turned down his generous gift.

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