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friday yuk

By j.lupo ·
I thought I might beat OZ with this one. I found it amusing. It at least put a smile on my face and thought I would share at the end of a long week. :)
________________________________
Subject: Try saying . . .

I just received this memo from management. Please do your best to
comply.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

85 total posts (Page 5 of 9)   Prev   03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07   Next
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I'm a good sport..

by maecuff In reply to Mae that would just have ...

but I have my limits...

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Mae I actually agree with you on this one

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I'm a good sport..

He knew exactly what he was getting when he married you so why the attempt to change you from what you are?

I hope it wasn't because you forced too many changes on him that could account for the "special present."

My wife has given up trying to change me as she by now knows it to be a lost cause, but she claims that she gets some other benefits just provided I do not attempt to follow her instructions to the letter.

Of course after the first few times she started changing her requests so they didn't involve as much pain to her and allowed her to walk after wards!

Col ]:)

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Nope

by maecuff In reply to Mae I actually agree with ...

I don't try to change people. It doesn't work. Besides, he was pretty sure he was perfect as he was.. it was me who needed improvement.

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But did you

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Mae I actually agree with ...

Think he was "Perfect?"

Anyway a little pannel beating around the edges doesn't hurt provided you want it. The problems only arise when others think you need it and then try to force it onto you because it suits their ideas of what it is to be "Perfect."

I know I am because the wife doesn't even attempt to change me in any way she just complains bitterly when I say I'll be back shortly and take several hours/days to finish a job but I've got better as I no longer ring her from a different city and say I will not be home tonight I'm is such & such a place and I'll be here for a few days.

Col ]:)

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Not getting home on time

by jdclyde In reply to Mae I actually agree with ...

I used to have to deal with running over on the expected time of arival, so I changed it to "I will be home before you wake up".

Time would fly playing computer games all night at my buds house, but at least we weren't out at the bars is the way I looked at it.

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And here I thought

by jdclyde In reply to I'm a good sport..

it was WOMEN that expect their MEN to change after they get together.

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Nah

by Salamander In reply to And here I thought

Women don't really want men to change...y'all do that all on your own! We just expect some degree of the same treatment we got at the outset...the flowers, the nice compliments, the opening of doors, etc., etc. Then...something happens, and we find that the nice fellow who used to say such sweet things and gave excellent foot rubs is parked on our couch, eating Cheetos and screaming obscenities at televised sports in a wifebeater T-shirt. Who needs that?

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What kind of T-shirt?

by jdclyde In reply to And here I thought

I must have missed that meeting of the guys club because I never got one.

Cheetos, uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. (wipe drool)

And all the sweet things we would say, like "hey woman, get me another beer"?

Foot rubs? Ewwww. Back and leg rubs ok. Even neck and temples, but feet? Just not a foot person......

Oh well, with the note book I am making from reading the posts from you ladies I will either make the next woman in my life very happy or turn gay. (I just hope it is the first option!)

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It is...

by Salamander In reply to And here I thought

A wifebeater T-shirt is a sleeveless white T-shirt. It was Bruce Willis' uniform in Die Hard, if I recall correctly...I believe that has been the only positive depiction of the wifebeater T-shirt in popular culture. I think that they were depicted with a great deal of frequency in the movie Joe Dirt, as well, but in conjunction with the mullet.

In a word...ick.

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Actually the T-Shirt I was given read

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to And here I thought

"STOP VIOLENT WOMEN!"

Then when I opened a door for one I had a Sexual Harassment suit filed on me.

Makes one wonder just what it is that women actually want.

Of course the last time I brought flowers for my wife I was grilled for hours as to just what it was that I had done wrong. Talk about a no win situation. You do not buy unexpected presents and you are an uncaring pig and when you do it is only to cover up or attempt to make up for something that you must have done wrong.

Now if only I could bring myself to smack her across the mouth and then say "SHUT-UP WENCH and do as you are told!"

Well I can dream can't I?

Col ]:)

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