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  • #2188684

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by oz_media ·

    [u][b]The Perfect Day[/b][/u]

    [b]The Perfect Day – Her[/b]

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

    [b]The Perfect Day – Him[/b]

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 B***job.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 B***job.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 B***job.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Sh*t, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Repeat coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Watch as Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight B***job. Sleep

    Oh well, have a nice weekend anyway. 🙁

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3262556

      wrong

      by black panther ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      In hers take out the Make Love!

      • #3262888
        Avatar photo

        All depends

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to wrong

        If she is a live in lover then it would have to stay but if the wife it wouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near the list unless you had done something wonderful the previous day/night. 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #3262881

          Wonderful

          by black panther ·

          In reply to All depends

          The previous day or night – It could be the previous year and then one sideways look would soon wipe that out! 🙂

        • #3262164

          Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Wonderful

          But you see, this being the woman’s perfect day, making love is included… which involves a LOT more than giving her man sex. You see, there’s this thing called foreplay and we women like it when you make this part last for HOURS. It involves tender kisses, gentle caresses, sweet words whispered in the ear, neck nibbling. Making love is a slow and gentle process. We ALWAYS have time for this. What we don’t really care for is you going straight for the money before we’re ready and we end up with you thumping away for 3 minutes then going to sleep… why even bother with that?

        • #3262136

          Nothing at all, as long as…………………

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Foreplay doesn’t constitute hours of begging.

          Dawg :^O

        • #3262120
          Avatar photo

          Strange thing that is exactly what my wife used to say

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Until she got exactly what she wanted and then she didn’t want it any more! 🙂

          Apparently being unable to walk properly had something to do with it and she has constantly been of the mind that I’ll take the abridged edition ever since. 😉

          Anyway have a good weekend no matter how pregnant you really are Jessie and remember that you wanted this to happen so you can not continue blaming your other half no matter how good it might feel. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3262056

          because

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          making us happy should make you happy!

          now, why am I getting a divorce again?

        • #3261941

          TR Sex Clinic

          by cp7212 ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Jessie, you should give us some tips more often. I am always on the lookout for some more “inside information” about women. lol

        • #3261380

          3 minutes !

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Who the hell has that much time to waste on a woman?

        • #3261378

          oh no…

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to 3 minutes !

          Not you, Oz. I’m crushed.

        • #3261356

          Time

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to oh no…

          What, are you supposed to just hold each other for the last 2 minutes?

        • #3261351

          I don’t think so..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to oh no…

          you guys are asleep within 30 seconds..

        • #3261249

          Think about it

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to oh no…

          Every tuesday and Thursday, you have stayed up and watched your favorite TV show for the last 3 years, before finally making it to bed for a good night’s sleep. Then a single CABLE channel takes over the broadcast.

          You subscribe to the channel that has taken over, so you can continue to watch your favorite show but now it plays 5 nights a week.

          After the first few episodes thay start showing repeats, do you REALLY think you’d be staying awake to watch it everynight until they run a new season?

          You would be lucky to make it to the first commercial before you snooze off, just nothing to grab your attention anymore, even though at ONE time it was your favorite show.

          Don’t expect guys to stay up and watch the same episode evey night, with the same characters, the same ending and the same excitement (which fades real fast after a few repeats).

          The common answer to this boredom is for the guy to either watch a new show or simply wait for a new episode, tuning into the first couple of minutes every night just to see if it’s a repeat before curling up to get some much needed, and preferred sleep.

        • #3261220

          Wow..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to oh no…

          Kinda harsh. Oh well..either my husband is good at faking enthusiasm for the same old TV show, or this analogy doesn’t always apply.

        • #3261215

          Americans

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to oh no…

          Like they say, only in America. 😉

        • #3261192

          Has nothing to do with it

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to oh no…

          I’m just that good.

        • #3261165

          So

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to oh no…

          You’re a techie gal, clone yourself then.

        • #3260764

          I’ve thought about it

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to oh no…

          but I’m too busy. I have to wash my hair.

        • #3260671

          Face it

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to oh no…

          We both live in huge countries, we have more space than you could explore in three lifetime’s, but another ME would be too much. I would hunt me down and kill me within a week.

          I feel that you would have a wee bit of a problem with another lady as tough and strong as yourself. You couldn’t hack YOU and you know it. 🙂

        • #3260632

          you have a point

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to oh no…

          I have a sister who is very much like me, she’s just not as friendly, doesn’t possess much of a sense of humor and has a great big giant bitter chip on her shoulder. In other words, she’s a bitch. In many ways, though, we’re very much alike. When I see her behavior, it reminds me to tone it down and to just be FRIENDLY. Unless I really really can’t..

        • #3261379

          NO you don’t ALWAYS have time for this at all

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          I know many women who would call you an overpatient liar for such a comment.

          SOME women are just as ready to roll as any guy would be, sometimes it doesn’t have to be ‘wham bam thank you maam’ but wham bam, smash, crash, thump, bong, kaplowie, sproing, thumpity-thumpity-crash smash, boingy-boingy-boingy, YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!!!!!, WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO, gigiddy-gigiddy-gigiddy, WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEEEEEEAAHHHH!!!

          And usually the woman who wants that rarely has any time for tenderness and hugs, that stuff’s for married people who need some fantasy to spice up the thought of banging the same person ‘AGAIN’.

        • #3261280

          Amen!

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Amen, sister!

          We girls get tingly when you say “I’ve done the dishes..lets go make love”

          We get tingly DURING, not at the climax.

          We enjoy the whole concept, not the big smile afterwards and you snoring.

          😛

          Cuteelf

        • #3261248

          So rent a movie

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Amen!

          Rent a good ole Hugh Downs lovey-dovey movie, let us know when to join in and then enjoy the rest of yor movie,but keep the volume down so I can sleep.

          Or say YES a lot, and practice your stretching.

          Either be willing to swing from the chandelier with your ankles behind your head or get ready for a nap.

        • #3260811

          that’s not foreplay.

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          spending an hour tying her up, cutting her clothing off her, clamping nipples and cl@@, ramming large objects in, whipping her for an hour…
          that’s foreplay.

          ~g~

          ( yes my wife knows my interests… and shares them. )

        • #3260799

          You heathen you

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to that’s not foreplay.

          got any brothers? 🙂

        • #3260643

          Reply To: Friday Yuk

          by firefly1522 ·

          In reply to Sorry to burst your bubbles guys.

          Maybe I should be a man, then. My husband and I are opposites. He’s the one who wants to cuddle afterwards.

    • #3262822

      What do you call a couple of burglars that don’t wash???

      by skidoggeruk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A PAIR OF DIRTY NICKERS

    • #3262799

      The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage

      There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

      Well, there’s a very simple answer.

      Nobody bothered to check the oil.

      We just didn’t know we were getting low.

      The reason for that is purely geographical.

      All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

      All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC

      *****************************************************

      How Many Democrats Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

      Four hundred and seventy one:

      12 to investigate the Texas Oil Industries involvement in the failure of the old bulb,

      23 to reregulate the light bulb industry,

      16 to demand funding for alternative lighting R&D,

      34 to increase the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,

      9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don’t start buying more 110-volt bulbs,

      53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,

      40 to fully fund a new “volunteer” youth program which guarantees $10.00 per hour for anyone who can write an essay about why the environment and whales will be saved if light bulbs are changed.

      43 to organize a protest including the NAACP, NEA and AFL-CIO to demand reparations for all building janitors who have slaved to change light bulbs all by themselves for decades.

      35 to take polls in California to prove that if the bulb really needed to be changed, Californians would have already formed an encounter group, funded a multi cultural task force and have assigned gay and transsexual experts.

      41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead, and

      165 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

      ******************************************************

      – Here’s Your Moral Dilemma of the Day

      OK, here’s your dilemma of the day:

      You are the President of the United States.

      You’ve just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will completely wipe out their entire country.

      It is scheduled to hit about 2:30 a.m. in just two days from now.

      You have enough ships and military personnel nearby that can help evacuate their people safely, but they are on stand-by in case of war with Iraq.

      Your question: do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?

      *****************************************************

      YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT…

      * You own something that says, “Dukakis for President, ” and still display it.

      * You’ve tried to argue in favor of anything based on, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway so…”

      * You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”

      * You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

      * You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”

      * You’ve ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

      * You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

      * You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

      * You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

      * After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.”
      *****************************************************

      – You Must Be a Liberal If……….

      If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in “All in the Family”

      If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.

      If you’ve spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don’t see how today could be too much different from the ’60s.

      If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.

      If you use the term ‘open-minded’ and don’t care that it can’t be defined in absolute terms.

      If you think only white people can be racist.

      If Clarence Thomas made you sick, Bob Packwood made you protest, but Bill Clinton is a victim of partisan politics.

      If you think that teenager’s sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a “correctional institution”.

      If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.

      If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren’t and don’t.

      If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are “written in stone”.

      If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.

      If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate

      If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people’s lives.

      If you believe that posting the “Ten Commandments” in schools will hurt the children, but putting “Heather Has Two Mommies” or “Ask Alice” (on the internet) won’t.

      If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the ’60s.

      if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.

      If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn’t know the definition of the words “alone”, “is”, or “correct”.

      If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.

      If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.

      If you actually think the multicultural movement of the ’90s works better than organized religion.

      If you don’t want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won’t do the right thing.

      You’re a liberal if you can’t see the irony in your own beliefs.

      If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.

      If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.

      If you point to God’s forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but “forget” to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.

      If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.

      If you want to make the rich “pay their fair share” but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.

      If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.

      If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while “forgetting” about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.

      If you think that “dumbing down” America’s school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is “mean spirited”, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.

      If you think that Teddy Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and the KKK don’t have anything in common (at least the KKK is honest about their goals).

      If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.

      You’re a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the “Christian Right” is dangerous and needs to be done away with.

      If you don’t see the parallel between yourself, Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao.

      If you believe that the “700 Club” are a group of fakes or actors but the people on “The Jerry Springer” show are real people.

      If you actually refer to the Reagan and Bush Presidencies as one Presidency.

      If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.

      If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.

      If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they’re extremists!

      If Sean Hannity makes no sense and Alan Colmes makes perfect sense.

      If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.

      If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as “equal time”.

      If you make snide remarks to guys for looking at women but champion Clinton’s right to do whatever he wants with his interns.

      If you think the impeachment vote was ‘just about sex’.

      If you think all the attacks against Republicans are justified, but got outraged about the Willie Horton incident.

      If you actually think Clinton ‘only inhaled’.

      If the last ‘good old president’ you remember was Carter.

      If you condemn Dan Quayle for misspelling potato and then ignore the witticisms of Al Gore (who are these people?)

      If you think Alec Baldwin was justified in his protest on the Jay Leno show.

      If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.

      If you believe any of the conspiracies such as that the AIDS virus was started by the government or that certain products cause sterility in black males, but think “The X-files” is too far fetched.

      If you think that Watergate and Iran-Contra was a travesty of justice, but anything against Clinton is partisan!

      If you believe VH-1 when they tell you that warning labels were put on by “Conservatives led by Tipper Gore”.

      If you believe Clinton’s ‘change of heart’ after the sudden switch in the 1994 election.

      If you use the words “right wing extremist” at least four times in any given day.

      If you think that bombing on Iraq couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with the impeachment vote… then why did they stop as soon as the vote was done?

      If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.

      You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn’t have enough ethnicity, but you’re the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.

      You called Vietnam Veterans “baby killers” but think that allowing a woman to suck her baby into a sink is a constitutionally protected right.

      You think that Joe Camel and big tobacco are out to kill your babies, but allowing a babies brain to be sucked out of its skull when it’s 1/3 of the way out of the birth canal is paramount to a free society.

      You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.

      You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy”

      You think that Ken Starr is the devil’s helper for calling Monica’s mother to testify but believe that Ollie North’s wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.

      You believe Clinton’s numbers about the number of jobs created and don’t credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.

      You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.

      You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

      You get mad when rape victims’ sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones’ sexual history “must be made public.”

      You hate Hillary jokes.

      You hate Monica jokes.

      You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

      You fully support women who have “exercised their right to choose” when they abort in the 3rd trimester, but think Amy Grossberg should get the death penalty before the trial even goes to court.

      You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

      You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure

      If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.

      You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but “Platoon,” “Dances with Wolves” and “Thelma and Louise” are realistic.

      You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie – until it made Pocahontas.

      You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

      You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

      You are appalled at all the money being spent investigating the alleged illegal activities of Bill Clinton, but insist that investigating 75 charges (74 which were dismissed as unfounded) charges against Newt Ginrich was “the only just thing to do.”

      You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana

      You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

      You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

      You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.

      You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.

      Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.

      You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.

      You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

      You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.

      You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

      You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

      You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.

      You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant “fundamentalists” are guardians of democracy.

      You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

      You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

      You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

      You don’t understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else’s employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

      You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

      You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that’s happened in the past quarter-century.

      You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies – after leading them on a high-speed chase – are the victims of the decade.
      *****************************************************

      Have a good one people. 😉

      Dawg ]:)

      • #3262200

        You know that you’re a republican when…

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage

        You believe global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

        You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

        You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

        You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

        You’re for prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah.

        You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

        You actually believe that people own AK-47’s for “hunting purposes”

        —————

        Just a few that I understood – for the purposes of a little balance!

        Neil 😀

        • #3262181

          Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to You know that you’re a republican when…

          besides the whole post was getting too long anyway. Like you, I thought it needed some balance added. Either way, I know it’ll piss somebody off; it’s more fun when you can nail them all in one go. :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3262172

          I think the key word is “nail”

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..

          Have a good weekend – it’s nearly going-home-time here and Monday is a public holiday (birthday of Marx or something).

          Neil 😀

          And it’s going to be sunny and 72 degrees!

        • #3262149

          Now what’s that in Celsius??? Hmmm?? Oh yeah, 22C ……………….

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to I think the key word is “nail”

          Won’t need a jacket until after sunset. Should be nice but what do you care when you’re sitting at the bar. Pity us. Our forecast is rain, rain and more rain. Temps will be between 11-12C or if you prefer 52-55F. Canada is 6 months of winter and 6 months of poor sledding. Last weekend there was snow out west, somewhere. The good thing about rain is you don’t have to shovel it and it does make things grow that you will unfortunately have to mow. The bad thing is that it screws up the skiing. Have a good one and hoist a few and be thankful you aren’t here. 🙁 If you don’t mind I’ll save nailing for another time since I’m hoping to be doing some this weekend. Hell, you’ve got to do something to keep warm. :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3260810

          out west?!?!

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Now what’s that in Celsius??? Hmmm?? Oh yeah, 22C ……………….

          no way mon, it was out east.
          the battlefords area of saskabush.
          ( eastern alberta and wester flatlands on northern borders of them )

          24, 24, 22 for last week or so here.
          even when the airport has different temps the downtown temp is usually higher.

        • #3262111
          Avatar photo

          72 F Neil

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I think the key word is “nail”

          That would almost be warm enough for me to unbutton my trench coat. 😀

          The last time I was in the UK I was the one standing on Briton Beach in woolly underwear and a duffel coat buttoned up all the way while those crazy Poms where in skimpy bathers and complaining about the heat! 😉

          Any way have a good weekend Neil we have a 3 day weekend here as well something about I May today or something equally as silly now if only they had not stooped Guy Falks night here I could have some real fun. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #3262129

          Never discriminate!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Thanks Neil, I was looking for that but couldn’t find it in time………..

          Treat EVERYONE poorly! It is the only fair thing to do.

        • #3262126

          And never, NEVER apologise

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Never discriminate!

          And you’ll get along nicely.

        • #3261920

          Be an equal opportunity offender .

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to Never discriminate!

          that is a motto to live by.You don’t need to be p/c that way.

      • #3262132

        Now you have done it

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to The ‘REAL’ Reason For The Oil Shortage

        I can just see the hornets nest now! Most of those are too acturate to be taken good naturedly, and you aren’t suppose to say things that may hurt someones feelings, even if it is true.

        was going to forward on to my liberal nutcase aunt in NY but decided that she would not see the “humour” in it.

        Great job! Keep it up!

        • #3262115

          Go ahead and do it.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Now you have done it

          It may not make her day but you’ll have the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you’ve riled up a political wingnut. Chances for that don’t happen often enough.

          Dawg ]:)

    • #3262792

      Things to do in an elevator

      by cp7212 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Things to do in an Elevator…

      – When people get on, ask for their tickets.

      – When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

      – Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

      – Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Mike. How’s your day been?”

      – Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say “that’s mine!”

      – Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

      – Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn’t high enough.

    • #3262206

      Know Your State Motto

      by salamander ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [Removed]

      Apologies offered for any offense caused.

      • #3262175

        Ha!

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Know Your State Motto

        My sister (we’re from KY) has a T-shirt that says “What happens in Kentucky should stay in Kentucky.”

        She lives with us and when we work out together, there are some positions that make my husband want to take out the camara. To which I reply, “That’s just wrong, dear, she’s my sister” and she says “Yeah, but we ARE from Kentucky.”

        • #3262148

          Spectators

          by salamander ·

          In reply to Ha!

          Hah. Nobody should ever watch anyone else working out! Had a relative staying with me a few months ago, who happened upon me doing morning yoga (sun salutations). She slurps her coffee very loudly and says: “Damn, that looks painful…what the hell do you do that for?” Sort of ruined my sense of peace and contentment.

        • #3262145

          Ruined your sense of peace and contentment???

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Spectators

          Hell that Yoga stuff is painful, especially if you have two clinically dead knees and still insist upon skiing. It’s Tai Chi for me.

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3262139

          Pain

          by salamander ·

          In reply to Ruined your sense of peace and contentment???

          “Pain is the body letting go of weakness.” 🙂

          Can’t remember what movie that’s from, but I’m pretty sure that it was in reference to basic training. Yoga is murder for the first few months, but after that, you sort of forget about it.

          I’ve never tried Tai Chi. I hear that it’s fun, though.

        • #3262123

          Not so much fun as a way of life and much, much easier on the joints.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Pain

          There is more motion involved and you ease into the stretching process. It is also a foundation for many martial arts, if you are so inclined to think in terms of practicality. There is a flow to it that generates a focus on inner peace, somewhat like Yoga but is much less physically damaging to injured or arthritic joints. The most noticeable difference you would see observing practitioners of both, is that you seldom see Yoga practitioners smiling whereas Tai Chi practitioners radiate a calm and joy but that’s only my opinion. Can 1 1/2 billion Chinese be all wrong???

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3262144

          T-shirt

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Ha!

          A friend of mine had a t-shirt that said “My Daddy thinks I’m the best kisser.” EWwwwwwwww!!!!!

        • #3262117

          That is the first REAL reason

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to T-shirt

          that I’ve seen for allowing ANYONE to have a handgun!

          Ewwwww! Indeed!

          😀

        • #3262101

          That’s the nice thing about incest!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to That is the first REAL reason

          It’s all kept in the family. Double Ewwwwwwwww!

          :^O

        • #3261945

          As Al Bundy said it….

          by cp7212 ·

          In reply to That’s the nice thing about incest!!!

          When Peg asked him what they say in “Wanker County”…..Nothin’ says lovin’ like marryin’ your cousin. Just saw it last night, what a great show.

    • #3262204

      Men and women….

      by cp7212 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Men and Women

      1. EATING OUT:
      When the bill arrives, men will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and no one will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

      2. MONEY:
      A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really wants. A woman will pay $1for a $2 item that she doesn’t really want.

      3. BATHROOMS:
      A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items, and would be afraid to REALLY
      know what they are for.

      4. ARGUMENTS:
      A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

      5. FUTURE:
      A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

      6. SUCCESS:
      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

      7. MARRIAGE:
      A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

      8. DRESSING UP:
      A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

      9. HAPPINESS:
      To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

      10. LONG LIFE:
      Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

      11. MISTAKES:
      Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

      12. NATURAL:
      Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

      13. OFFSPRING:
      Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

      14. UNDERSTANDING:
      There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

    • #3262177

      No wonder men are happier…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple
      creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
      Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

      You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
      white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
      Car mechanics tell you the truth.

      The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
      station rest-room because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to
      stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
      Same work, more pay.

      Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
      People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
      The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
      shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
      Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
      tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
      your own jars.

      You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
      If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend

      Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
      more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
      are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
      stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
      decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

      You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your
      big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

      You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your
      nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
      growing a mustache.

      You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
      minutes.

      • #3262165

        Too true!!! Now aren’t you jealous???

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to No wonder men are happier…

        I have to admit that most of it’s true. After 2 marriages I still haven’t been able to understand how women, with absolutely full walk-in closets and clothes in MY closet, can complaim they have
        nothing to wear. Most men, myself included, will look at you incredulously all the while we are thinking about how to get you out of the clothes you already have on. :^O Mad passionate SOBs that we are, we’ll still love you regardless of what you’re wearing or not wearing but understand our preference is usually,not wearing, unless of course, we have kids and forgot to lock the bedroom door.

        Have a good one Mae!

        Dawg ]:) 😉

        • #3262160

          You have a good one, too

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Too true!!! Now aren’t you jealous???

          and no, I’m not jealous. Personally, I’m glad I never feel the need to scratch myself in intimate places while in public. I like being able to cry when I feel like it. And shoes are a good thing..

        • #3262147

          Yes, and…

          by salamander ·

          In reply to You have a good one, too

          …we never have to reach down to check and make sure all parts of our anatomy are still there. I’ve never been able to figure that one out.

          I’m also gonna disagree with one of the last points in the list…many…in fact, MOST men should not wear shorts.

        • #3262140

          True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Yes, and…

          Let’s face it men wear clothes only because there are laws against public indecency and/or public exposure. Besides who wants to run a chain saw in the raw. :p

          Dawg ]:) 😉

        • #3262138

          Point

          by salamander ·

          In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.

          Ha! You’ve got a point there, I think.

        • #3262087
          Avatar photo

          Salamander if you run a chainsaw in the raw

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Point

          You get covered in unburnt 2 stroke oil and then you have to have a shower before you hit the bed or the wife will go nuts. 😀

          Anyway have a great weekend.

          Col ]:)

        • #3262074

          Col…

          by salamander ·

          In reply to Point

          …I’ll just take your word for that!

          Last time I used a chainsaw, I wore jeans, sleeves, goggles, and gloves…but as maecuff’s rules state, women always overdress for the occasion. 🙂

          Have a good one!

        • #3262053

          Nobody wants splinters in their scrotum but the oil film makes up for……

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Point

          any lack of vaseline or ‘hand’ lotion. :^O That is if the situation arises, so to speak. You just somehow know that Col is aware of this.

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3262125

          Then why?

          by jessie ·

          In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.

          Why did my husband say to me the other day, “You know, those shoes don’t go with your outfit.” To which I replied, “Don’t care. They’re comfy.”

          It’s probably the REAL reason why women enjoy being pregnant. Other than that whole miracle of life thing, it’s the only time (while we’re still young) that we have pretty much free rein to talk and dress exactly how we want to without being worried too much about what other women will think about us.

          Because of course, except for when we’re trying to CATCH a man, we’re not really worried about what he thinks of our attire. We know that you don’t care what we wear as long as it makes our boobs look bigger and allows you to see nips poking when they get chilled.

        • #3261940

          Something that I have always wondered about…

          by cp7212 ·

          In reply to Then why?

          Do women dress for men or other women? Or maybe one way more than the other? An actual answer would be nice for this one…..

        • #3261913

          Truly

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Then why?

          I think most women dress to impress other women. We know that men don’t care if our shoes match our skirt. Women can be EXTREMELY catty (in case you hadn’t noticed). Men NEVER make snide remarks about the amount of cleavage or butt a woman is showing.

          Women for the most part, are our own worst enemies. And of course if Maxwell were to come in here and say pretty much the same thing, I’d defend my sex to my last breath!!! I’d deny it all. 😉

        • #3262121

          or

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to True but unlike women, we don’t give a damn.

          cook bacon! did it without a shirt ONCE….

        • #3261932

          ONCE you big **ssy…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to or

          I do all the cooking around my place,and the boys and I can’t seem to cook anything worth a d@mn unless we have our shirts off.

        • #3261355

          Talk about painting a picture

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to or

          Did someone say EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!

          Sexy? Naaaaaaaah

          Trailer park? Yeeeeeeeah.

          Cool? Well, to each his own I suppose.

          And if you really think you got some big, hairy nads, try frying the bacon on high while naked….sissy

        • #3262089
          Avatar photo

          Mae I have to disagree here

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You have a good one, too

          Shoes are only good things when you have feet that are capable of wearing them otherwise they are just dust collectors. 😀

          Have a great weekend.

          Col ]:)

        • #3262083

          Col, you don’t HAVE to disagree..you just WANT to..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae I have to disagree here

          I may not be able to wear ALL my shoes at the same time, and they may collect a little dust, and yes, some are uncomfortable, but they all get ‘foot time’ and they look damn good.

          BTW, I did a shoe inventory and I only have 38 pairs, that barely qualifies me for being a girl. I told my husband I need an even 50, then I’ll be finished. He’s given up on the ‘how the hell many pairs of shoes do you need’ arguement.

        • #3262073
          Avatar photo

          Well Mae at 1.30 AM

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col, you don’t HAVE to disagree..you just WANT to..

          I’ve given up on almost anything as I’m way beyond caring. 😉

          But I learned a very long time ago never to argue with a woman as it is way to painful and nonproductive. 🙂 If any woman wants to tell me it is a beautiful day out and there is a Cyclone blowing full force I just agree as the whole thing ends right there and then. 😀

          Drives my wife nuts that does as I just agree with her no matter what and while she has now had well over 30 years to work out some form of argument she has not as yet found one that will work for her “YET!” She says I’m bad and I reply I’m the nastiest Bastard in the entire world I’m inconsiderate unthinking and heaps of other things sought of leaves her no room to maneuver from that point on.

          Now if only she would cease and desist from wrecking the bed every time she gets into it and blaming me for it things would almost be perfect. 😀

          It was just your comment about the shoes mangling your feet sought of reminded me of the Chinese who used to bind their female children’s feet. But I learned a very long time ago that women dress to impress other women and totally forget about the males around so I do not even ask anything now when “She Who Must Be Obeyed” returns home with some type of clothing to me it is just another escape from forcing me to go shopping and it is a small price to pay for the freedom of escaping the other rabid women in the shopping centers! :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3262050

          The word is

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well Mae at 1.30 AM

          “yes dear”, spoken in as dead and flat a tone as possible. If you can drag it out a little bit it is even better!

          yeeesss deeeaaarrrr.

          Oh, I do NOT advise when they are upset to say “oh, has something upset the princes?” Humor is NOT the cure for all ails it turns out. Humor can sometimes be the CAUSE of many ails it turns out.

        • #3262037

          As one comic on improv said

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to Well Mae at 1.30 AM

          in an argument, women are always right.
          Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

    • #3262130

      The great debate

      by jessie ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

      So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

      The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

      The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

      An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
      remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

      Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.

      “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

      “And then?” asked a woman.

      “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

      • #3262108

        That is too cool!!! Loved it!!!

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to The great debate

        :^O

      • #3262081
        Avatar photo

        Absolutely Fabulous I loved it.

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to The great debate

        😀

      • #3262079

        Well done

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to The great debate

        Finally a religious post worth reading!

        Have good weeks ending time, woman.

      • #3262060

        That is too good!

        by j.lupo ·

        In reply to The great debate

        Hey Jessie, that is just too good. I really appreciate that humor. I think I may have heard a version similar to this one, but I like the way you posted it here.

    • #3262065

      Some of these are a bit British

      by tony hopkinson ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Got sent it today, still trying to work some of them out myself

      The New English Dictionary.

      Abacus – A Swedish swear word
      Abattoir – Three-in-a-bed in a Monastery
      Accomplish – Drunken sidekick
      Acupuncture – Deliberate tyre slashing
      Algebra – Brassiere made out of kelp
      Announce – 28 grams
      Antelope – to run off with your Mother??™s Sister
      Arsenic – Having sat on a razor blade
      Artefact – pretentious statistic
      Artery – shooting arrows at paintings
      Asymmetry – where you bury people
      Autobiography – car’s service book

      B
      Barrel organ – Brewer’s droop
      Bidet – two days before D – day
      Bigamist – larger than usual fog
      Bigotry – lumberjack’s boast
      Bile – Australian bundle of hay
      Biology – science of why women shop
      Bishopric – unpopular member of the Clergy
      Bonsai – dyslexic kamikaze pilot
      Bratwurst – Macaulay Culkin
      Bustard – very rude omnibus driver
      Buttress – woman who keeps interrupting

      C
      Cabaret – Wide range of available taxis
      Canteen – Someone who has reached the age of consent
      Carpentry – entrance for ornamental fish
      Castigate – to have a nasty accident whilst climbing into a field
      Cenotaph – Welsh laxative!
      Chairs – toast by the Queen
      Charabancs – the cleaning lady is a real goer
      Childhood – young gangster
      Circumnavigation – Bar Mitzvah on a cruise liner
      Climate – Motto of the Everest Club
      Cockaleekie – prostate problem
      Cocoa Bean – ex clown
      Coincidental – having matching teeth
      Collie-wobbles – three legged sheep dog
      Comatose – when your foot goes dead
      Combat – aggressive marsupial
      Contraband – American backed counter revolutionary orchestra
      Copulate – time it takes the police to show up in an emergency
      Crystallise – retirement gift for Admiral Nelson

      D
      Dandelion – Big camp cat
      Delight – to make things go dark
      Descant – white collar insect
      Digression – Welsh fighting talk
      Dilatory – Conservative sex aid
      Direct – ruined by a Welsh man
      Disappear – to insult a Lord
      Discover – record sleeve
      Doughnut – an eccentric millionaire

      E
      Egocentric – yolk
      Equip – joke found on the Internet
      Esplanade – attempting an explanation whilst drunk
      Ethics – County where girls with white stilettos live
      Evanescent – Welsh man who glows in the dark
      Extemporary – permanent
      Extort – having left school

      F
      Feckless – unsuccessful Irish Romeo
      Fiasco -Bad wall painting
      Fondue – Affectionate sheep

      G
      Gargoyle – olive flavoured mouthwash
      Geriatric – three goals scored by the German football team
      Granary – old folks home
      Gripes – what Australians make wine from

      H
      Haddock – enclosure for sea horses
      Hirsute – Ladies clothing
      Hosepipe – dance by sailors wearing socks
      Hundred – fear of Germans
      Hunky-Dory – Butch fish

      I
      Idiomatic – Ugandan washing machine
      Impeccable – bird proof
      Inhabit – dressed as a monk
      Innuendo – Italian Suppository
      Insolent – to fall off the Isle of Wight ferry
      Intense – camping
      Investment – thermal underwear for bankers

      J
      Jigsaw – Chafing that affects only the cast of Riverdance

      K
      Ketchup – posh word for drawing level
      Khaki – device for starting the car

      L
      Laminated – pregnant sheep
      Lassitude – being bitten by a collie
      Libel – Aussie price tag
      Loofah – outdoor toilet
      Lyricist – complaint suffered by song writers

      M
      Macadam – Scottish brothel
      Manoeuvre – a vacuum cleaner that even men can work
      Marinade – a soft drink for weddings
      Merseyside – the killing of Scousers
      Microbe – tiny dressing gown
      Microfiche – small sardines
      Migraine – what a farmer calls his crops
      Minimal – small shopping centre
      Mischief – head girl
      Mobster – aggressive crustacean
      Mucus – swear word used by cats
      Mushrooms – what Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does
      Mutant – cross between a cat and an insect
      Mutate – art gallery for cats
      Mystical – S & M for beginners
      Myth – female moth

      N
      Negligent – man who wears lingerie
      Neighbourhood – The gangster next door
      Notable – full restaurant

      O
      Online – Yorkshire word for phrase “I’ve done t’ weekly wash”
      Orchid – Brummie’s son
      Orthodontist – devout dentists with beards and hats
      Osmosis – early Australian prophet
      Overrate – number nine
      Oxymoron – stupid cow

      P
      Palisade – what the Queen drinks
      Pandemonium – black and white musical instrument that won??™t breed in
      captivity
      Paradox – two medical men
      Paranoid – angry person who jumps out of aeroplanes
      Parasites – view from the Eiffel Tower
      Parsnip – Dad’s vasectomy
      Paucity – Liverpool
      Plaintiff – row with a stewardess
      Pomegranate – Australian expression used to describe British stone
      Poppycock – streaker at a Remembrance Day parade
      Posterity – Inherited bottom size
      Problematic – dodgy loft conversion

      Q
      Quadrant – Four people shouting
      Quash – Quince cordial

      R
      Ramshackle – Male chastity belt
      Rogged – wearing a wig

      S
      Saab – Indian for ??œNice car, Master???
      Satellite – burnt behind
      Scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of
      Scarf – to eat out in Knightsbridge
      Scintillate – to commit adultery ??˜til breakfast
      Scooby Doo – responsible dog owner
      Scum – “It’s arrived”
      Sentimental – the perfume he intended to buy
      Shamrock – tribute band
      Strawberry – French hat made from grass

      T
      Tadpole – A quarter Polish
      Tannoy – to irritate loudly
      Tarmac – Scottish Graduate
      Telepathy – when you can’t be bothered to change TV channels
      Testicle – amazing exam question
      Throng – three piece thong
      Toddlywinks – kip after a skinful

      U
      Umbrage – angry clash between umbrella users

      V
      Vanilla – large white ape

      W
      Walkie Talkie – flightless parrot

      X
      Xenophobia – fear of Buddhists

      Y
      Yashmak – shower proof veil

      Z
      Zebra – the largest size of support garment!!!

      • #3261381

        Great play on words

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Some of these are a bit British

        Wow, Tom, some of those are just great!

        You’re right, you do have to think with a British acent for many of them, they just don’t sound right otherwise.

        I liked the inclusion of the Australian ‘Libel’ . Again though, accent makes it work.

    • #3262022
      • #3262014

        Yep… signs of the Apocalypse

        by jessie ·

        In reply to funny stuff

        Wasn’t exploding amphibians one of the 7 signs of the apocalypse? And I’m CERTAIN people breaking into porn shops to steal blow-up-dolls is a sign of something!

      • #3261452
        Avatar photo

        I wonder is it possible

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to funny stuff

        To import some of those Crows here?

        We currently have a major toad problem that is expanding at a rapid rate and as yet there has been no solution found. 😉

        Col ]:)

        • #3240928

          Instead..

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to I wonder is it possible

          Import kids to lick the toads. Beavis and Butthead come to mind.

    • #3261998

      What’s happened to the demographics on TR?

      by dc_guy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The Friday jokes used to be clever and humorous. Now they’re full of bathroom/locker room “humor,” mostly from a seventh-grade bathroom or locker room at that. I can just sigh and excuse myself for being too old and skip over that stuff.

      But then I come across stuff that is sexist, racist, and demeaning of people because of their politics or religion. Are people really reading this? I’ve seen websites predominantly visited by high school students that maintain a higher level of maturity than what TR is turning into.

      • #3261929

        that is why it ‘s called friday YUK

        by anykey??? ·

        In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?

        check your brain at the door and just laugh you old wrinkly @ss off. If you wanted serious, look at a different thread.

      • #3261908

        I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…

        by jessie ·

        In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?

        Dear lord forgive me for that there, and be with the pygmes in New Guinea.

        I’ve actually noticed a decided decline in the mentality of the jokes just since I’ve started posting… but then I haven’t gone back and read what you guys were doing before I started posting… I don’t know… maybe I’ve increased the TR pool…

        • #3261896

          nobodies fault ,funny is funny…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…

          some people just don’t like the locker room humor
          it makes them feel dirty.

          did someone say dirty I can be dirty,I like to be dirty;)

          long live Ron and Larry

          “If I’m missing out on the finer things in life, that means I’m just waiting to die. So while I’m waiting, I’m going to have a big glass of scotch.”
          – Ron White

        • #3261451
          Avatar photo

          God it can not be possible!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault…

          A woman admitting that she is in the wrong!

          I’ll need a very long horsepital stay to recover from this one and a pacemaker as well. 😀

          Col ]:)

      • #3261449
        Avatar photo

        Well then instead of complaining why don’t you do better?

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?

        You could always post something like this and ask the obvious question. 😀

        The Rewards of Life
        ======================

        One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his
        fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast
        out into the sparkling blue surf.

        He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect
        of catching a fish.

        About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying
        to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
        fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why
        this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a
        living for himself and his family.

        “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the
        businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than
        lying on the beach!”

        The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied,

        “And what will my reward be?”

        “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!”
        was the businessman’s answer.

        “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still
        smiling.

        The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able
        to buy a boat which will then result in larger catches of
        fish!”

        “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

        The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the
        fisherman’s questions.

        “You can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for
        you!” he said.

        “And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

        The businessman was getting angry.

        “Don’t you understand?

        You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the
        world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

        Once again the fisherman asked,

        “And then what will my reward be?”

        The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman,

        “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will
        never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the
        rest of your days sitting on this beach looking at the sunset.
        You won’t have a care in the world!”

        The fisherman, still smiling, simply looked up and nodded,

        then looked at the sunset,
        with his pole in the water,
        without a care in the world.

        Col ]:)

      • #3261362

        DC_GUY is not funny!

        by absolutely ·

        In reply to What’s happened to the demographics on TR?

        Boring set-up and no punch line! Why must you post on Friday Yuk? Your complaint belongs on a new thread. Cr@p, I think mine does too!

        I personally tire of the variety of jokes based on the premise that men are horny slobs and women are vain and vapid, but if I didn’t enjoy some of the other jokes posted here which I do find clever and insightful, I would just stop checking the Yuk pages. But here I am. Or, if I knew better jokes, I might post them.

        Attitudes about sex, race, politics and religion are frequently indoctrinated before the individual attains the intellectual capacity to form rational views, hence the ones held are irrational, hence irony, hence humor. If you think something else if funnier, please, present your paradigm here so that it can compete amongst the others.

        To me, complaining that humor is juvernile is a bit ironic in the first place 😉

    • #3261924

      how do you answer the tough questions from the kids…

      by anykey??? ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This is an excerpt from calvin and hobbes I keep posted in my office
      How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?
      Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just that the world was black and white then. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
      Calvin: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?
      Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
      Calvin: But… But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?
      Dad: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the ’30s.
      Calvin: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color too?
      Dad: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

      • #3261880

        Yes, they all lived in

        by dr dij ·

        In reply to how do you answer the tough questions from the kids…

        Pleasantville. I thought that was a very creative movie, tho it started out like outer limits.

        • #3261489

          feh…

          by gralfus ·

          In reply to Yes, they all lived in

          Pleasantville had neato effects, but the plot was dismal. No actions are wrong, unless you try to harm his mother, then that is wrong. Life is meaningless and grey without promiscuous sex. There are no unwanted consequences to screwing everyone you meet, your life just becomes colorful. Unless it is his mother you try to bang, then that is wrong. Feh! Same hippie drivel in another package.

    • #3261410

      Dear Dorothy Dicks

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

      Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

      A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of you old college room-mates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you?re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

      Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

      A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

      Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

      A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it?s a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

      Q: My husband doesn?t know where my clitoris is.

      A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

      Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

      A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

      Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

      A: I?m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you?ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

    • #3261371

      How to impress a woman

      by softcorp.us ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

      Compliment her,
      respect her,
      honor her,
      cuddle her,
      kiss her,
      caress her,
      love her,
      stroke her,
      tease her,
      comfort her,
      protect her,
      hug her,
      hold her,
      spend money on her,
      wine and dine her,
      buy things for her,
      listen to her,
      care for her,
      stand by her,
      support her,
      hold her,
      go to the ends of the Earth for her.

      HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

      Show up naked.
      Bring food.

      • #3261201

        The first is a given but just food??? No booze???

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to How to impress a woman

        Man lives by more than bread alone. Nookie and a nosh are nice but you’ll need something to wash it down and for afterwards.
        That’s sort of like showing up with only sardines and crackers.

        Dawg ]:) 😉

    • #3261189

      Linux Commands

      by softcorp.us ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      For more information about these Linux commands, use man :

      unzip
      strip
      touch
      finger
      mount
      fsck
      more
      yes
      umount
      sleep

      • #3260809

        add..

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Linux Commands

        tar
        less

        those would round off the activities suggested by your list

        • #3260800

          That’s good!

          by softcorp.us ·

          In reply to add..

          That’s good! I’m going to remember that.

    • #3261186

      One for the girls!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      HOW TO TELL IF A GUY IS GOOD IN BED
      before you hop in the sack

      Ladies, before you date that hunky guy you met last night, read the 10 vital signs that will reveal if he’s a STUD or a DUD in bed.

      The list was compiled from a dozen different American and European studies of male sexual behavior and was edited by Weekly World News’ own crack medical reporting team.

      Here’s what you must look for to determine if the man of your dreams will bring you bliss or the blahs:

      DUD: If the ring finger of his right hand is the same length or shorter than his forefinger, dump him fast. This guy has all the sex drive of a castrated camel.

      STUD: Look for square palms and plenty of hair on the back of your guy’s hands. Scientists say this means he’s probably descended from the ancient Neanderthals and will be a tireless animal in the sack.

      DUD: Does he have a huge beer belly? If he does, get rid of him. All he’ll do is squash you into the mattress like a bug and the pleasure will be all his, not yours.

      STUD: If your prospective date is balding, get ready to have a good time. This guy’s testosterone level is through the roof and he’ll keep going all night like the Energizer Bunny.

      DUD: Steer clear of a man who talks constantly about his dear old mom. A mama’s boy is useless in bed. Given the choice of sex partners, he’ll choose a nurse over a nympho every time — so what does that tell you?

      STUD: Go for the guy with a real big nose. A huge hooter means he’s big in other places.

      DUD: Drop a man whose eyes are set too close together. He’ll turn in an average performance in bed, but will tire easily. Poor thing, you don’t want to be lying there, still in heat, while he snores like a ruptured pig at your side.

      STUD: Wide-set eyes are a different matter entirely. This guy is an excellent lover and he will go out of his way to pleasure you. If you like to experiment and get kinky, he’s the stud for you.

      DUD: As a general rule, steer clear of lawyers. They’ll bore you to death in the sack, and if you try to get too kinky they’ll wind up suing you for sexual malpractice.

      STUD: Cops are very good in bed and they have wonderful ways of using their handcuffs. Be warned though, never allow him to bring his pistol to bed. One gun in the sack is quite enough.

      Follow these tips faithfully and you’ll enjoy your sex life enormously. But all the studies warn not to have sex on a first date — you don’t want your stud to think you’re easy.

      Dawg :^O

    • #3261185

      And another.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      10 Reasons NOT To Jog

      1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the heck she is.

      2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

      3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

      4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

      5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

      6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

      7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

      9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

      10. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmpolitan!

    • #3261184

      ENDANGERED SPECIES

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      ENDANGERED SPECIES

      One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.

      Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

      In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?”

      The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!”

    • #3261182

      Blonde Golfers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Blonde Golfers

      Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

      They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

      After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?”

    • #3261607

      The story of Onestone.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone.”
      He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name
      and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of
      torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone
      again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any
      more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good
      morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
      forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
      her! all the next day, until poor Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got
      around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and
      no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird
      returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who
      was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
      and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep
      into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
      night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next
      night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die! What is the moral of this story? …
      OH, come on; take a guess! Just think about it . (You’re going to love this!)

      And the moral is: You can’t kill two birds with one stone!

      Dawg 😉

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