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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
TOP 5 Reasons NOT to get a face transplant

5)If you happen to get one of Michael Jackson's old ones, you could never teach third grade again.

4)Saving face now requires dry ice and extra attic space.

3)Local punks keep stealing the jar by Eleanor Rigby's door.

2)When you do a face-plant while riding your mountain bike, it's embarrassing having to send a
Secret Service agent back to pick it up.

1)You wanted Mary Kate, but dammit, they gave you Ashley!


IF OS's were Beers

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer

Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer

The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 98 Beer

Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.

Windows 2000 Beer

The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Unix Beer

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

Linux Beer

LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Breweries in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

VMS Beer

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Have a good weekend!

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Hope it's a pleasure trip.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Just to keep with the tre ...

Have a great time but stay out of jail.


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Well I'm driving about 2,000 K to pickup

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Hope it's a pleasure trip ...

Another Mercedes for my collection. Currently my wife is insisting that as it is a project car I remove the manual transmission and fit it to her car and I use her Auto in this one.

I just told her that this would be perfectly OK if she fitted the thing and changed all the parts inside her car, her immediate come back was fine I'm willing provided that you undo any bolts that I can not and pickup the things that are too heavy for me and then tighten up the bolts as it is going back together. In other words I'll watch you do the work and walk away when you start swearing when things do not go right.

As it is effectively one body with two cars parts and all the main parts being reco units like the motor, gearbox steering box and power steering pump I can not see how I can go wrong even if I end up just junking the car for parts if the body is too far gone. Of course the wife is on my back about getting her car finished off now but on every occasion when I've tried to take it away I've not been allowed to take it to the guy who does my pannel & painting as he strips it back to bare metal and then removes even the slightest sign of rust and then paints it properly. Of course everything is removed from the body shell to do this so it will be gone for several weeks. :)

Currently I have a rear pannel that needs replacing and as I have picked up a new one it will make his job so much easier. Of course this involves cutting the thing up a bit to fit the rear pannel as the car is about 1 inch narrower than it should be and it is all on the Left Hand side which I really want to get fixed properly as we have pulled it about as far as possible. Looks like someone backed it into a post at speed and then done a really lousy repair job. But it is an EFI Coupe so it isn't all that common and really is very rare and quite valuable even if it is only 32 years old now.

Anyway its going to be the closest thing that I get to a holiday so I'm grabbing it with both hands and not letting go. :)

Col ]:)

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Stay safe Colin

by Oz_Media In reply to Just to keep with the tre ...

And remember to stay INSIDE the car, not under it!

From what I've seen from you, the latter causes facial bruising and extended hospitalization.

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That is no fun at all OZ

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Stay safe Colin

I have a couple of things that are supposed to scare roos off but I can not hear them while driving so I do not know if they are actually working. I was thinking of lying across the bonnet and letting "She Who Must Be Obeyed" drive at speed so I could listen and see if they actually work. :)

The down side is that she wouldn't stop when I wanted her to and would continue driving until fuel was required leaving me to hold on by the paint or better still reach speed then rapidly brake and once I'd slid off the front of the car she could then accelerate hard again and run over the speed bumps.

Believe me it is better than being stuck inside a car listening to her preferred music.

Col ]:)

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Just another one

by Oz_Media In reply to That is no fun at all OZ

of many reasons I am not married any longer.

Escaped while still young !! Talk about a saving grace!

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Well I'm just getting my last fix for a while

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Just another one

I'll be leaving soon and the thought of being stuck in a car with John Farnam constantly playing is my idea of "Cruel & Inhumane Punishment" I'll try to have her charged with breaching International Treaties but I really think that their answer will be something along the lines of "Well you've been married for well over 30 years now and if you can not control her what makes you think we could?" Her motto is "Resistance is Futile!"

But at least I'll be free of her soaps for a few days so the damaged brain cells can part way regenerated. :)

But for something really bad we had our 34 th wedding anniversary last week and I didn't forget it now that is really scary. But I did constantly claim that I would have got a far shorter sentence if I had of killed her in the first place, but she counted with exactly the same argument.

Anyway between you and Max look after the place while I'm away I do not want to return and find that the Evolution Lie and Why I'm Voting for GWB have taken the place over and started infecting every computer connected to the net. :)

Col ]:)

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Congratulations are in order.

by Oz_Media In reply to Well I'm just getting my ...

I suppose.

But if either of those threads hit My Discussions list again, someone's gonna pay!

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by Jaqui In reply to Congratulations are in or ...

sounds promising.


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To go with your beer joke, Oz......

by cp7212 In reply to Friday Yuk

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an @sshole.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the **** happened to your pants.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your @ss kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Thanks but...

by Oz_Media In reply to To go with your beer joke ...
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