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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Well HAPPY FRIDAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! EVERYONE!!
(Don't know wht I'm so damn excited about it's not like I actually DO anything afterall) :)

So without further adieu;

The Top 5 Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Acts

5. Ten Drunk Clowns and One Mighty Frightened Monkey!
4. Mrs. Irma Morgan and Doll-Baby, Her Amazing Trained Pekingese
3. The Royal Lipizzaner Cattle
2. Jim Bob and the All-Nude Barnyard Revue

And the number one Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Act....
1. Tom, the Man Who Burns to Death (today only)



Now go get have a drink, damn you all! MUWAHAHAHAHA ]:)

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Adds a new twist on

by jdclyde In reply to I came to a startling rea ...

getting poked by the boss....

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A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ON TIME

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in the traffic. So..... the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here.

I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.

Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER, EVER, BE LATE


OK I don't know if this has been posted previously but it is one of the few that I hear that I can put up here without being chucked out for being way too offensive.

Col ]:)

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Hahaha

by BFilmFan In reply to A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ...

That fits most of the Georgia politicians that I have ever known, including the state attorney general, a couple of judges, 5 US Congressional representatives, 4 mayors of the city of Atlanta, 4 governors, one of whom became President (he had moral values tho, so he was real boring and we kicked him out of office so we could get in a First Lady that liked to set her hubby's schedule by the stars...).

Lord I know too many politicios!

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Hope this doesn't offend the zealots...

by cp7212 In reply to A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ...

Jesus

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Little Johnny.

"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?!?'"

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You should be safe with that one

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Hope this doesn't offend ...

After all it is very mild so if anyone complains I'll come back with something much worse.

Col ]:)

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I didn't like it

by Oz_Media In reply to You should be safe with t ...

I think that using Jesus Christ in such a loose manner is not appropriate! It is making light of the Christian Religion eas a whole, after all I was born into the Church of England, though technically born on a pub's kitchen table.

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What a crock of #### OZ

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I didn't like it

You are just trying to be difficult and your normal self. Now be nice as BCFILM has just given you 1000 points that you didn't deserve, that answer was pure crap and you know it. :)

Now about being born into the Church of England on a bar room table They say GOD sees everything and no matter where you are you are always under the sight of GOD, poor old Guru of Dos must have some very sore eyes as he is seeing everything and taking notes to see if you've been naughty or nice so unless you start behaving better there will be no Chrissy Presents for you this year.

And because you have been "Such a Naughty Little Boy" just like Brian you know the one "He's Not Your Messiah He's Nothing But a Naughty Little Boy" there in all likely hood will be no Easter Eggs for you either and every horse that you back over the Easter Break will run last or throw a jockey and be disqualified. ]:)

If you don't start behaving very soon there will be no more whales to watch, no more Kayaking {the only thing that you will be able to do that comes close is find yourself in a barbed wire canoe up the creek without a paddle and the tide will be against you as well, with piranha in the water just to make sure that you do not do anything wrong} in nice peaceful quite places with fantastic views no more quite life where you can do as you please as I'll arrange it with GOD to have you Deported from Canada as an UNDESIRABLE DISTURBING INFLUENCE back to Britain where you can serve out the rest of your very long sentence in one of those old jail Hulks that they have there. You know the ones they where captured from Germany after WW1 finished and where kept under guard by the British Navy for the protection of the German Crews. It doesn't matter that they where all scuttled by their crews you will just have a lovely cool area in a small over crowded hold with no views and no food as you will have drowned so it will be unnecessary.

Col ]:)

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So there IS something to look forward too!

by Oz_Media In reply to What a crock of #### OZ

Damn Colin that sounds like a whole LOT of actuvuty and excitement. MAN, what an adventure my life will be, and there I was thinking I've slowed down.

As for the comments, you said if anyone complained you would add a better one, THAT was all you got??


As for horses, you REALLY went too far on that one, wiching bad horse luck is just NOT cool at all. That is burned into my brain now and I WILL begrudge you with every dollar lost next weekend I promise you that. I can take a lot of humour, I couldn't care less what you say about me but DON'T be playing with the horse gods, that there just isn't humour at all.

Deport me to England? I have been thinking of ways to be deported for a couple of years now, I would welcome it for the cheap move cost. My next flight one way is over $6500.00 CDA so I would really appriciate any bad words you could put in to the Canadian government for me.

As for BFilm fan, my answer was up to par with all the other crappy answers too. There was no solution, it was a ***** session, who am I not to play in THAT game?

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OK OZ I'll dig something up

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to So there IS something to ...

But I just might post it to you instead of listing it here as I'm sure it will raise a few complaints. Anyway most of them are picture ones that are part way acceptable the straight jokes are way too blue for this forum.

As for the Horse Gods with a bit of luck the place will be rained out and the track so heavy that they will have to fill the jockeys up with helium to get the horses to even move. I know of course that will not stop you betting on race meetings elsewhere but it should serve as a warning to you.

What the best way to get you thrown out of a county is to report you to customs as a drug courier after the body cavity search they will deport you anyway when you try to get back into the country. The AU Customs Service did that to the NZ Prime Minister last time she was leaving this place and they didn't even get into any trouble she must have enjoyed it as she never made a formal complaint. :) But of course the media got hold of the story and blew it all up to make the current Government look as stupid as they are. Can you imagine the same thing happening to GWB? Now that would be an interesting exercise in diplomacy wouldn't it?

Col ]:)

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OK OZ try this one on for size

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I didn't like it

I think it has been posted here previously but at least it isn't over the top and should not bring on any complaints.

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with trembling voice she asks...."Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians, it is the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace?
So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, "You people lost him, again??"
The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going, so I launch into a speech of my own...
"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"
The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked, she looks desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help.... Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people... I mean Muslims never seem to lose their deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind."
I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake... What was that about... deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breathe, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies)."
"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun..." I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. "Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him..." I smile gently to soften the blow. "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either
Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.


Col ]:)

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