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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Well HAPPY FRIDAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! EVERYONE!!
(Don't know wht I'm so damn excited about it's not like I actually DO anything afterall) :)

So without further adieu;

The Top 5 Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Acts

5. Ten Drunk Clowns and One Mighty Frightened Monkey!
4. Mrs. Irma Morgan and Doll-Baby, Her Amazing Trained Pekingese
3. The Royal Lipizzaner Cattle
2. Jim Bob and the All-Nude Barnyard Revue

And the number one Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Act....
1. Tom, the Man Who Burns to Death (today only)



Now go get have a drink, damn you all! MUWAHAHAHAHA ]:)

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Letter of Recommendation

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

Subject: Letter of recommendation??

The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently,without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Regards -

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One of those great mathematical proofs:

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
----------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work
----------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

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Totally Correct

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to One of those great mathem ...

I couldn't agree more with the points expressed in the above.

Every time I've actually worked for a Boss their Company Owner/Manager is next to useless and is more often than not a real problem because they come up with these bright ideas which can not work and then they insist that we make them work. Of course they are constantly complaining about the cost involved in attempting to make their neat solution actually part way work and are always claiming that we do know what we are doing! :)

The last time I was confronted by this attitude I just suggested that as I was such a no hoper how about the guy who came up with the idea implement it? Well I'll give him this much he did try and then after making a far bigger mess left it to me to clean up. Not so sure that it was such a bright idea after that.

Col ]:)

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WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BOUGHT COMPUTERS?

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

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Star Trek & Microsoft

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the **** is `Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

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Now that just isn't right one little bit

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Star Trek & Microsoft

It's just plain unfair Jaqui. You accuse me of bring correct usage policies to the Friday Yuk and through an Alcohol Induced Haze I find you've done exactly the same thing.

Well I'm now off to have a go at finishing all of those Bloody Marys that are still in the line before all the ice melts and I start getting really drunk. :) Provided the ice doesn't melt I'm safe.

Of course do you realize that you have offended every Lawyer in the world with that joke as well? They'll all be after you now for defaming them. God I'm lucky I'm not in your shoes.

Col ]:)

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it's not work related...

by Jaqui In reply to Now that just isn't right ...

the borg?
star trek tng?

and lawyers, the lowest form of life ( besides cockroaches )?

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Hey, why do you want to insult cockroaches???

by sleepin'dawg In reply to it's not work related...

What did they ever do to you???

Dawg

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I think Cockroaches

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to it's not work related...

Rate at a higher level than Lawyers. Don't they?

Anyway it was the unlicensed or pirate copy of Windows that is work related nothing else.

Col ]:)

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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