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Friday Yuk

By Bob in Calgary ·
Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant's first winter in
Canada


December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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OZ they look better in the Bar

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to No the guy lives at Jinde ...

And if you're inclined are more likely to get them to come with you from there as well.

I'll leave the white stuff for those silly enough to want to play in it. After all when they nearly kill themselves it leaves more of the fairer sex available.

Col

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Well OZ I didn't do it

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

This time so what is your excuse?

Col

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Just a little warning, Col

by neilb@uk In reply to Well OZ I didn't do it

I'm enjoying the fact that everyone is colder than me so...

Mention the weather in Brisbane just once and I will email you a chocolate covered hand-grenade.

Have a good weekend.

Neil

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Neil you should have posted this at the top

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Just a little warning, Co ...

Too late I've already mentioned the weather here in Brisbane.

But in fairness we do have a cyclone approaching. Does that help?

I'll call a friend at customs and get him to place an intercept on any incoming chocolate.

Col :D

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I JUST this minute crawled out of the fart sack!

by Oz_Media In reply to Well OZ I didn't do it

Colin, I didn't set my alarm so I could post this week. These things used to sit all day until I finally posted, unless I post late Thursday night it isn't gonna work I guess. Well as long as SOMEONE posts the yuk I don't care.

I didn't start saving $400.00 a day either but that's life.

It's 10:09 AM, I have absolutely NO reason to be up early today and decided to lay in a do bugger al bt listen to music for a bit. Still have a cracker headache from some work I was doing yestereday that yanked my kneck out too, SO GET OFF MY CASE MAN!!

Spank me and call me Charlie!

(oh, and then have a nice weekend)

OM :)

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Not a chance OZ

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I JUST this minute crawle ...

Yesterday I had to take my mother to Canon for a new photocopier "What a nightmare" the one she is getting is all digital naturally and has quite a few benefits that the old one just could not have.

I then spent most of the day explaining just how she could do her work without ever handling any proofs ever again but she failed to grasp the significance of the fact that the copier is actually a printer and could not understand how she would get the "Masters" from the printer to the photocopier without handling any paper.

I think I've made a dirty great rod for my back. She shows absolutely no interest in using a computer now and it will only get worse when the new copier arrives. Her main reason for refusing to even consider using the computer is that every time she goes to it it looks different {Its got 98SE on it} and buy th looks of things I'll have to put XP onto the bloody thing to make full use of the new copier so GOD only knows what will transpire from that point on wards.

Well a few Valium IV and I'll be OK for at least a short time anyway!

By the way have a good weekend it's now Saturday morning here and I think the sun is raising so I'll have to get some sleep before the bloody phone starts again.

Col

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Thank your mother for me

by neilb@uk In reply to Not a chance OZ

I don't need the chocolate hg - you're being punished enough.

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It hasn't really started

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Thank your mother for me

YET!

God only know just how bad it will be when the new photocopier arrives as I think she might take an active interest this time and mess up everything completely. The last time she tried turning it on she couldn't understand why it didn't work apparently she turned on the computer but not the monitor.

You should also try to explain why you click on start to shut it down as well, to he it just makes no sense but at the same time she is quite happy to use the same button on the TV remote to turn it on and off.

Col

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So far its been freakishly mild one east coast

by TomSal In reply to Friday Yuk

I'm in NJ...for January its unusally warm here this year.

We've had crazy temperature patterns...just yesterday it was near 70 degrees....IN JANUARY.

This morning it hit 62 degrees, and this afternoon its suppose to plummet to 33 degrees -- before nightfall.

Crazy stuff.

Its dark and raining out too...and windy...such a gorgeous day...lol..NOT

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Tom

by maecuff In reply to So far its been freakishl ...

We must be close to each other. It got up to 69 yesterday, it was like Spring. Today, it's 32. We've had some flood scares. Our computer room's false floor sits below the flood plane and the river rose to uncomfortable levels last week. On the bright side, I've finally gotten everyone else in the company to acknowledge that our disaster recovery plan that we've been working at for months now is an important project.

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