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Friday Yuk

By Bob in Calgary ·
Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant's first winter in
Canada


December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

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Must be nice in the warm

by Bob in Calgary In reply to Tom

On Tuesday the temp was +4 C (39 F) By wednesday afternoon it had dropped to -30 C (-22 F) with a wind chill that felt like -48 C (-55 F) It's been like since then. But it's going to be up to -10 C (14 F) at the weekend, Time to get the shorts out.

Anyone want to come to a BBQ?

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LOL....

by TomSal In reply to Must be nice in the warm

That's just crazy......um I love bbq's can I come?

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I'd join you anyday!

by Oz_Media In reply to Must be nice in the warm

Nothing better than a frosty Barbeque in Alberta. I would just findit hard to carry out any conversation with my mouth agape at the surroundings.

Until you've been there, you just wouldn't understand I guess.

P.S. Sunny and a balmy -2 right now, just got back from a walk to the coffee shop, the scenic route (not that they all aren't) . Great stroll everyone seems happy, nice fresh day to get off to the right start!

It's still wierd to walk past people (even on the other side of the street)that wave and say good morning.

I was wondering this morning, while strolling, when people pray to God do they just pray for help and things to make their lives easier or do people just pray with thanks for everything that's great instead?

I don't pray, but I am always thankful for what life has given me and i enjoy the world around me.

Does that make me unChristian?

Bit of a segue but just a thought.

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Some flooding on our roads

by TomSal In reply to Tom

I'm pretty close to Philadelphia. We have some roadways with minor flooding -- they are mostly just the little "back roads" they get little traffic though.

Of course the road going to my mom's house was flooded a good foot deep, that was fun with my little front wheel drive car.

Anyway yep..our server room is at ground level too and is well susceptable to flooding, but did this make they "buy" my need for a proper DR plan (for the last couple years) nope. Its taken so lightly as if I'm asking if we can get strawberry yoohoo in the breakroom vending machine.

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Well Tom what would you expect

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Some flooding on our road ...

A server room with a view?

But I'm sure you'll hear about it if you get flooded and it will be your fault!

Col

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Best laid plans

by JamesRL In reply to Some flooding on our road ...

At my previous employer we had a data centre in the basement of the building - easier to cool, space no one else wanted etc.

Through no fault of our own, and despite the fact the building had decent exterior drainage, we had a flood. Its was caused by city crews maintaining some outside waterlines and creating an overpressure which burst a pipe in front of the inlet valve in our building. How do you plan for that?

Luckily it didn't reach our racks on an elevated raised floor, but our telephone switch gear came within an inch of being hit, as well as a power transformer. The moisture in the air and the dirt brought in did kill some of our telephone equipment.

James

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flooding

by GSG In reply to Tom

We were in the low 70s, then within 24 hours, got down to about 12. In the process of the change, we got 5 inches of rain and everything's flooded. Hey, if it was snow, it'd be 5 feet!

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Just wait.

by JamesRL In reply to So far its been freakishl ...

We had a record high in Toronto yesterday of about 55 degrees farenheit, and today, ice and a little snow.

I missed the beautiful weather yesterday, by the time I left the rain had started.

James

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Cold Day here in Alabama

by Montgomery Gator In reply to Friday Yuk

Temperature got up to only 55 F today (about 13 C for you foreigners). A couple of days ago, the high was in the mid 70s (23 C). :-)

Anyway, I can relate. I lived for 4 years in Syracuse, NY, and, although not quite as bad as you describe, I still do not miss the shoveling and icy walks, which were new to someone born and raised in Florida. While in Syracuse, I knew someone from Quebec City who said he never went to Florida for the winter. I said that was quite unusual, and he agreed. In the winter in Florida, the roads are clogged with cars with Ontario and Quebec tags on them.

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And the state troopers

by JamesRL In reply to Cold Day here in Alabama

Are lined up to catch them speeding.....

We generally have more "lax" enforcement here. On a major highway in Ontario, the speed limit may be 100 Kmh(about 65 MPH) but 120 kmh is the average drivers speed and you can drive by a hundred speed traps at 120 and not be stopped. 130 is on the edge, and 140 (87 mph) will get you a ticket.

And Quebec drivers have a reputation for being more agressive - well earned from my time driving in Montreal.

I can't remember the name, but I saw a great comedy about the Quebecois in Florida - the premise was the rivallry between two motel owners, both Quebecois, that catered to Quebecois clients visiting Florida for extended stays. They had their social clubs(Kiwanis) from Quebec, all the trappings of home. A friend of mine from Ontario met his wife from Quebec while vacationing in Florida.

James

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