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Friday Yuk

By Bob in Calgary ·
Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant's first winter in
Canada


December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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I'll be damned!

by husp1 In reply to Friday Yuk

live in MN. woke up to -20 or so had to jumpstart my car (brand new battery) from the lil womans car (6+ yr old battery) go deliver mornig papers (101 custermor on a 16 mile route) get home and furnace moter starts makin funny noise, (high pitch squeel) rebalance fan. then second job calls, boss wants me to go and prep next roofing job. (AKA shovel snow and ice off.) told him to do it cause my cars battery dead (not realy a lie just post dated) go to restart car and slide on ice land on buttocks (hurts to sit) gotta love the cold!!!! (Any of those white pills to spare?)

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Murphy's new laws

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing good.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak "Daily Double"

Have a great weekend all.

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Great list!

by mlandis In reply to Murphy's new laws

This one is getting sent out to my buddies!

Thanks.

Maureen

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I like this one...

by Salamander In reply to Murphy's new laws

...especially number twenty. Now I understand all I need to know about gravity...

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Really Good Stuff

by willcomp In reply to Murphy's new laws

Haven't had so much fun reading something in awhile. Will definitely keep a copy.

Thanks.

Dalton

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Priceless!

by Oz_Media In reply to Murphy's new laws

And some are actually too true to be considered funny.

Have a good one !
OM

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Well now that I've recovered from the first lot

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Murphy's new laws

This is just as funny but "It HURTS to LAUGH NOW!"

Col :D

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