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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
OK Shell lets start this right :)

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Custome r: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK .
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== =============

Customer: Can't get on th e Internet..
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.


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7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children....

by heml0ck In reply to Harry in the first....

Reason 1:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to ****??" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Reason 2:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Reason 3:
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Reason 4:
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Reason 5:
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Reason 6:
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!!"

Reason 7:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples."

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Just a quick little laugh

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

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Top this for a speeding Ticket

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway.

One of the Officers used a hand held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 KPH. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers where unable to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched onto a Williamtown Hornet fighter which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison Officer at Williamtown.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:-

?Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the Tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently looked onto, your hostile Radar Equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile onboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was. Quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Thank you for your enquiry.

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Hope this formats properly

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form called the "Gripe Sheet" which alerts mechanics to problems experienced with the aircraft. The Mechanics then correct the problems and then document the repairs on the form for the pilots to review.

Never let it be said that QANTAS Ground Crews lack a sense of humor.

The following are actual maintenance complaints submitted by QANTAS Pilots and the follow up responses made by the maintenance engineers.

By the way QANTAS remains the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

P = Problem
MR = Maintenance Response

P Test flight OK but Auto Land very rough

MR Auto Land feature is not installed on this aircraft

P Something loose in cockpit
MR Something tightened in cockpit

P Auto pilot in allitude hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute descent
MR Can?t reproduce this scenario on the ground

P Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

[MR Evidence removed

P DME volume unbelievably loud
MR DME volume set to a more believable level

P Friction locks cause throttle to stick

MR That's what Friction Locks are for

P IFF inoperative in Off Mode
MR IFF is always inoperative in OFF Mode

P Suspect hairline crack in Windshield
MR Suspect your right

P Number 4 engine missing
MR Engine found on right wing after a brief search

P Aircraft handles funny
MR Aircraft order to fly properly and be serious

P Target Radar hums
MR Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics

P Mouse in cockpit
MR Cat Instaleld

P Noise from under instrument panel- sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer

MR Hammer taken away from midget

P Aircraft struck by lighting on finial approach, seems OK but check for electronic damage. Have to leave in 60 minutes so make it snappy.

MR Electronics all test OK and appear in perfect working condition but Aircraft taken out of service.

When the Mechanic was dragged up the Senior QANTAS Airport Officer and demanded to release aircraft to service he refused saying it was no longer airworthy. When the Pilot bitterly complained that there was no electrical damage to the aircraft so why was it taken out of service the mechanic responded "Because 50% of the tail is missing."

edited cus it didn't format right.

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uncle bob

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. As the day went on, the teacher noticed Timmy sitting quietly in the back of the class.

"Timmy, do you have a story?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't F--K with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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