After Hours·5,454 discussions

Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

Locked

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

“Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.”

The priest replies “Get out. You’re on my side.”

……………

Only humour intended, no insults.

Topic

The results if Political Correctness applied to the RN back then

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “‘England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it … … full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy?.

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?.

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case… kiss me, Hardy.”

………….

And thus he has a gay old time in the new French colony of England.

edit – corrected typo

An Italian Pasta diet that really works

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

ITALIAN PASTA DIET — IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop

4.. You walka pasta da table and da fridge.

make sure you understand the WHOLE of the question first

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

An Aboriginal farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

“Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can’t get him out.”

The manager says, Ok, there’s a .303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you’ll be able to remove him.”

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, “I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.

?No problem there, but I still can’t go on”.

“Now what’s the problem?” raged the Manager.

“Well boss, it’s his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.”

“… You there Boss?”

LOL :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

Sorry, but I never have any good jokes.

Appreciate your offerings, though. 😀

I started with one about over fourteen hours ago, when no one

In reply to LOL :^0

else cared to play while I was busy doing other things, I decided to add a few more from some old email jokes – glad you like them. I’ve got to work on my pasta diet though.

Too stupid to go on holiday

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

A selection of the British guests’ complaints during the holiday season provided in a survey carried out by a well known tour operator.

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

“It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.”

“On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”

“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked
in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

“The beach was too sandy.”

“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

“Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

“We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (?3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
Thefood is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”

“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

“I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”

“My fianc? and I booked a twin-bedded room, but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

See what happens when people get to used to going to

In reply to Too stupid to go on holiday

Blackpool for their holidays.

so ‘bot

In reply to Too stupid to go on holiday

is that how you became a gran? ]:)

the hotel gave them the wrong room type?

The top 12 indicators that the economy is bad

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with “small” businesses, GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?”

3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them

Denial!!! Works wonders!!! Try it today!!!

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous “new
age” holistic doctor, as a last resort.

“Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won’t go
away.”

The doctor replied, “You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror,
point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:

“I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache”.

Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish.”

As she leaves the doctor’s office, skeptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating “I
really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache…”.
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache
is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

“Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He’s
been having problems in a certain department… how can I put
it… ”

“When was the last time you two had sex?”

“About eight years ago.”

“Send him over.”

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her
husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to
wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he
throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to
her. When he’s finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and
starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another
hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom
again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She
tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees
her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at
his temples, repeating:

“That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife…..”

The Best Norm Peterson quotes from “Cheers”

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

“What’s shaking Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”

“What’s new Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re
demanding beer.”

“What’d you like Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

“What’ll you have Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap.”

“Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
“Like a baby treats a diaper.”

“What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy
ending.”

“Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
“I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”

“Beer, Norm?”
“Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.'”

“Whatcha up to Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
“Poor.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”

“How’s life treating you Norm?”
“Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.”

“Women. Can’t live with ’em….pass the beer nuts.”

“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
“It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone
underwear.”

“What’s the story Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
“The question is what’s going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody.”

“Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?”
“A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
“For a beer?”
“No, for stupid questions.”

The golden years???

In reply to Friday Yuk 19 June 2009 – it’s 3.00 am here for me, so here I go

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center
to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred
and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?” and he replies

“SEX!!!”

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I
held a gun to your head!”

“I know,” Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held
it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige”, says Mildred, who gently unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard’s
manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that
he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel
have that I don’t have?!?”

Howard smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s!”

[Author]

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