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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
Ok people, its time we had a bit of a laugh..maybe a smile or two??

Since I'm home sick..I'll start us off..
If no one helps out I'm going to get upset and throw a hissy fit later on!!

Some one liners:


Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ***.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

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Polish Divorce

by PurpleSkys In reply to Friday Yuk

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce.

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It is made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a
grudge?

No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?


All my relations still in Poland ..

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?


No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.


What kind of
proof?


She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'.

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Mickey & Minnie Mouse Divorce

by critch In reply to Polish Divorce

The divorce court judge said "Mickey, I can't grant you a divorce just because you say Minnie is crazy"

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, Your Honor, I said she was f#$%&ing Goofy"

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Wonder what he would have thought...

by NotSoChiGuy In reply to Polish Divorce

...if she had bought some smoked Polish sausage???

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bahahaha (nt)

by PurpleSkys In reply to Wonder what he would have ...
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INDICATORS THAT YOUR INSURANCE HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
( The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

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Heaviest element known to science

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

Heaviest element known to science
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. The new element has been named *Governmentium*.

Governmentium (Gv) Has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming iso dopes.

This characteristic of mo-ron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever mo-rons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since though it has only half as many peons it has twice as many mo-rons.

This element is found in abundance in the USA.

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Ahahahhaa!

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Heaviest element known to ...

Haven't seen that one for awhile. Thanks!

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

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The brain of an elephant

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

The brain of an elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

After which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and


Walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs


And slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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The Elephant one had me crying....

by KaryDavis In reply to The brain of an elephant

...OMG... that was good...

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