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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
I'm starting it early..cause I won't be around tomorrow. Took the day off work to chillout..going to get an hour long massage in the morning..sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet..

Happy Friday Everyone!!

Weight Loss for men:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your *** is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

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On *** whuppin's

by TonytheTiger In reply to HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2 ...

Go to the most successful and respected people in your community... Ask them if they were spanked as children.

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Funeral procession

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

Funeral procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's'.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

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a few jokes

by jck In reply to Friday Yuk

Two elderly Scotsmen, Seamus and Patrick, were walking down the road one day on their way home from the pub.

Patrick suddenly says "Seamus, I have known ya for 70 years since we were wee lads. Would you mind if I asked a favor of you?"

"Why certainly not, Patrick. What is it?"

Patrick says "Seamus, if I were to pass on before you...would you mind buying a bottle
of the finest Scots whisky and pouring it over my grave?"

Seamus then goes "Why not at all! But, would you mind if I ran it through me kidneys first?"

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How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

Are you kidding? You can't get that to happen with all of them!

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What makes music, goes fast, and goes "whack whack whack" without keys?

Chris Brown (i say let Jay-Z whip his arse lol)

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Did you hear they arrested Oprah at the Chicago Airport today?

Police heard she was trying to hide 100 pounds of crack in her pants.

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happy friday :)

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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

by willcomp In reply to Friday Yuk

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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:^0 -- I was wondering

by The Scummy One In reply to EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ...

where it was all going :^0
had to wait till the end :^0

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ROFLOL

by Jacky Howe In reply to EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ...

now that one tickled the funny bone. :-bd

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Well not a problem for me at least I don't know about you other Old Farts

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ...

I can lift as many 100 Bags of Potatoes as i like under those conditions.

Of course the most comfortable space I can find to stand on is a wall with my back on the floor. :^0

Col 0:-)

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Not Me

by willcomp In reply to Well not a problem for me ...

Too difficult to get up :-)

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I almost dislocated my jaw, laughing at that ...

by OldER Mycroft In reply to EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ...

Pretty sure I've wrenched some stomach fat (the stuff that used to be muscle) as well!

:^0 :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0

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I am much stronger

by TonytheTiger In reply to EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ...

than I was as a young man... Used to be I could carry about $10 worth of groceries in each arm... Now I can carry over $100 worth.

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