After Hours

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Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

By jimmy-jam ·
Tags: Off Topic
Anybody start the Yuk?

I haven't seen it?

Where is it?

I'll have to find something to start it with...


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That's a right, because

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Just a word of warning he ...

God started the biggest joke around when he created humans. So it shows God loves jokes.

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The contest

by puppybreath In reply to Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use liver and cheese the best in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

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by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to The contest

again. :^0

We might oughtta have a pun contest one of these days.
Y'all got a mess of 'em.

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Horses Do It, Queens Do It...The Brits will love this one

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which President G.W. Bush strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to six enormous matched white horses.
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach. Embarrassed and uncomfortable, the two powerful figures focus their attention elsewhere and try to behave as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets; I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. Actually, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

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by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Horses Do It, Queens Do I ...

will love it, too. :^0 :^0 :^0

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Reminds me of an elevator, once

by santeewelding In reply to Horses Do It, Queens Do I ...

Only, I did it, then stepped away from her, staring. So did everyone in the car.

Tested her limits.

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LOL!! I take it "her" was SWMBO, at least at that time. :^0

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Reminds me of an elevator ...

How much alimony are you paying or are you still paying in lots of other aggravating little ways by staying married.

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Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury

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It Gets Tougher Ahead!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut
his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and
wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching
limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done
faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."

Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts.
"Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John
accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag
and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I
can do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early
- John's down at the soccer field."

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
"Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head
off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest
of John to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in
twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry,
John died."

Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a
very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that
plastic bag!"

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Some Little-Known Computer Languages

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk 4/10/2009

BASIC, Fortran, Cobol -- These programming languages are well known and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known that still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages and why they are obscure I present the following catalog.

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technical Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y$KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS" -- FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handle in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program:
%% IF
86 DO WAH + (DITTY^2)
-17 SURE
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For Example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

Named after the late existenitial philosopher. SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties.

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERBET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITTE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using the language.

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "Low-Level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be utheful in proceththing lithtth.

Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literates. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "PUPPY GRAPHICS", in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.

Pronounced "C more or less", unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance, known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared preferences, which are impervious preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown:
> better than
< worse than
>> much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal.
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.

C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile, and non-Abelian.

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