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Friday Yuk

By sleepin'dawg ·
Tags: Off Topic
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had
three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?"

The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings
up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single
wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy
for 12 hours."

Crazy Mike replies, "****, gimme three"

The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and
asks,

"Well, how'd it go?"

In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his ***** that's
black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the
pharmacist had ever seen.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben
Gay on that are you?"

Mike replies, "****, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show
up."

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

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Luke Skywalker's Christmas

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

"Not only am I your Father, but I also know what your getting for Christmas"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

"How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader......."Because I've felt your presents...."

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Hickbonics/English Dictionary

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

HEIDI - (noun):
Greeting.

HIRE YEW:
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him
in munts."

THANK - (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun):
A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in
my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb):
contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump'ny?"

HAZE:
a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked in yars."

SEED - (verb):
past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...view?"

GUBMINT - (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

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Don't Eat The Mushrooms

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Redneck reading test

by Iam_Mordac In reply to Friday Yuk

MR Ducks
MR Not
OSAR
CM WINGS
LIB
MR Ducks

If you can read that, you might be a redneck.


and for thems that aint, it's a debate between two fellows, One of whom is trying to convince the other that those are indeed, ducks. (read it fonetticklee)

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"When Insults had Class"

by heml0ck In reply to Redneck reading test

"When Insults had Class"
?He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.?

?Winston Churchill

?I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.?

?Clarence Darrow

?He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.?

?William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

?Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

?I?ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn?t it.?

?Groucho Marx

?I didn?t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.?

?Mark Twain

?He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.?

?Oscar Wilde

?I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.?

?George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

?Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.?

?Winston Churchill?s response to George Bernard Shaw

?I feel so miserable without you; it?s almost like having you here.?

?Stephen Bishop

?He is a self-made man and worships his creator.?

?John Bright

?I?ve just learned about his illness. Let?s hope it?s nothing trivial.?

?Irvin S. Cobb

?He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.?

?Samuel Johnson

?He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.?

?Paul Keating

?He had delusions of adequacy.?

?Walter Kerr

?Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it??

?Mark Twain

?His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.?

?Mae West

?Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!?

?Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

?Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!?

?Winston Churchill?s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

?Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

?Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

?Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

?Thomas Brackett Reed

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ? for support rather than illumination."

?Andrew Lang (1844-1**2)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

?Billy Wilder

?Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.?

?Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."

?The Earl of Sandwich

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

?John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

?Winston Churchill

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A few items of Wisdom for a slow Friday.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the che ese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Lately, I've been hearing about all kinds of stuff with Probiotics.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to A few items of [i]Wisdom[ ...

If we take antibiotics to cure illnesses; what will Probiotics do to us??? Make us ill??? Just idle pondering; not to be taken seriously.

Dawg ]:)

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Similarly,

by TonytheTiger In reply to Lately, I've been hearing ...

if con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of progress?

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I love how they word them...

by JamesRL In reply to Lately, I've been hearing ...

Probiotic BL regularis. Um, you do know whats its for.....

Actually anti-biotics often kill all the natural flora in your gut that you need, and you can help them with probiotics afterwards.

James

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