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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
Well as there doesn't appear to be one posted yet or it's got lost in the New Site Layout I thought I would add this. Hopefully I'm even logged in as Hal.

Best-ever resignation letter (allegedly) sent by a fed up US employee.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for
the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around
the building all day, shiftless looking for fault in others. You have a
sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your
interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on
overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae
that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of
the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I
have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give
me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to
comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of
years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on
your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I
am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant
obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems
administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Graeme Hurd.

Col ]:)

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Ha :^0 <nt>

by seanferd In reply to That's in the class of "W ...
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13 Things I Hate About Everyone X-(

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

.
13 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are unwilling to get off their fat asses to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What the **** good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema just to stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'..... Didn't really give me much of a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before, like it, thus it can't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus had come would I be standing here, dumbass?

10 People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, boots?


11 When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.


12 People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.


13 McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets you blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you stupid McIdiot.


Dawg ]:)

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13 Quick Lawyer Jokes

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off when you die.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ***.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks Good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Way are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. When
launched, they can't be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the post office just recalled their latest
stamp?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them---people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet. (for some it would be clay pigeons)

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
$100 bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.


Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit
him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. It was so cold this winter------(how cold was it?)
A. It was so cold --- I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

Dawg ]:)

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A mother was walking with her young son

by TonytheTiger In reply to 13 Quick Lawyer Jokes

when she decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. They were looking at all the different styles and sizes of grave markers when suddenly the young man stopped. Hismother asked "Is anything wrong Timmy?"

Timmy said "I thought it was against the law to bury three people in one grave."

"What do you mean?", said mom.

"Well look here... it says

'Here lies John Brown, a lawyer, and an honest man' "

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20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night..... :0

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night.....

1. I have absolutely no idea where my handbag is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Courtney
Love than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3a.m. hot dog from the van out front on the ground
(which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it
up and carry on eating while talking with my mouthful.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek standing at the
bar next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with was the bogan my best friend took to
her year ten reunion.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
just soda, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drinking.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.

You probably laughed at the ones that apply to you. Send this along
to all the girls you know who like to have fun. Make them laugh at
themselves like you do.

Dawg ]:)

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A Classic Italian Christmas; an offer you can't refuse.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I
thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and
pear trees..... I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice
girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that. Two
telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas
Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason
for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every
minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women
live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to
the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She
doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the
largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her
anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for
the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills
Karen like A cheeseburger on the barbecue and determines that Karen
does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He
pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.

Zio Giovanni walks in with my sister Zia Maria, assorted kids,
assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a
symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, anchovies and cheese.... no meat of course. When I offer to
make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the
anchovies with a look of disgust....

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other
varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next
room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting
uncomfortable. Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest,
temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?" My mother kicks
him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the
way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen
declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and
ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry
Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly,
clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this
on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."


My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back
into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three
weeks."

"Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll
poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish

My stomach is knotted like one of those macram? plant hangers that
are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the
women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen,
who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. <>Karen
makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling
painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she
re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and
smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says,
"Whoops."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother
winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old
women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria
does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her
chest. Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When
Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing
that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says.

Time passes, and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling
and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the
shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this ***** out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END

If you aren't in stitches by now, you aren't Italian and/or don't know any Italians.

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A Matter of Perspective

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

.
Her Diary Entry:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say
anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I
could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was
still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was
bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me
or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't
really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and
he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because,
you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just
switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he
joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he's seeing someone.

His Journal Entry:
Played badly today -- shot 97. Couldn't putt to save my life! Felt kind of
tired. Got laid though.


Dawg ]:)

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Col..forgive me..this isn't a yuk..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

More a transcription of a recent event.

So, mojo and our spawn spent the 4th at my mother's house. We grilled meat and blew sh*t up, so we did what we were supposed to do.

To set this up..I know I've mentioned in the past the few times I've set our kitchen on fire. The following probably explains why this has happened to me more than once.

We get to my mom's house and enter the kitchen through the door from the garage.

Me: We're here.

My Mom: (hugs me). Do you want corn?

Me: The burner is all red. Randy (mojo) tells me it shouldn't be red. Is it up too high?

My Mom: No. The water for the corn will boil faster.

a conversation ensues on how long it takes to boil water. there are no clear winners in this debate.

Me: Mom, the burner is getting all smoky. I've seen this before. It's never good.

My mom: It's okay.

Me: No, it's not. Your smoke alarm is going to go off.

My Mom: No, it won't.

Me: Yes, it will. I see this amount of smoke all the time. This will set off the smoke alarm.

My Mom: No, it won't. I took all the batteries out.

Me: What?

My Mom: I took all the batteries out of all the smoke alarms. They went off every time I cooked.

Me: When did you do this?

My Mom: I dunno. About ten years ago?

Me: That's f*cked up, mom. You need your smoke alarms.

My Mom: Not the way I cook.

And I saw her wisdom. Sad.


On the other hand (where you have other fingers), I made JD's grandma's carrot cake. It was the HIT of the party. Every one loved it.

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Oh..and I just want to add this..

by maecuff In reply to Col..forgive me..this isn ...

I think that you SHOULD be able to set your stove to the highest setting. You know, the setting where the burner turns bright red? <And I am in the camp that contends that water will boil faster if the heat is higher..well, because that f*cking makes sense>. Anyway..if the stove gives you the option of turning the burner bright red, you SHOULD be able to use that setting without burning down the house...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ozc70JPGRMQ

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She also believes...

by mojodelirium In reply to Oh..and I just want to ad ...

that because a car speedometer reads 160...that the car won't fly apart at at 110.

She also believes you should boil meat before you grill it...

She also believes that the thermostat should always be set on SNOW...

'nuff said.

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