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  • #2241236

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    What the heck guys..there was a time when the friday yuk was posted on thursday by some upstart Aussie trying to beat everyone to it….and now, its lunch in Ireland..and I’ve no yuk to read.

    Tis a sad day indeed…

    I’ll post a couple in a few minutes….

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #2643353

      I have a really good excuse, Shell …..

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I was stuck here:

      http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-3513-0.html?forumID=101&threadID=250388

      Now, about the re-blinging of the batmobile…… :p

      GG

      I’ll post a few in a tick or three, too!

      • #2643342

        my excuse is better :p

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to I have a really good excuse, Shell …..

        I’m actually working on fixing my own laptop.. fixing display connection issue, fixing battery charging system issue, fixing ac power connection issue, fixing damaged usb interface issue.

        solving a software problem is much easier than fixing 4 hardware problems 🙁

        • #2643333

          well darling,

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to my excuse is better :p

          after you’ve finished yours, you can fix mine!!

          :p 😡

          GG

        • #2643299
          Avatar photo

          GG lets know how you get on.

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to well darling,

          I’ll be away for about 3 weeks as the Telco has messed up and will not have my new service available till 1 February.

          If I had ordered it today I would have it connected 1 February so I don’t see what they are up to with 3 weeks lead up. 🙁

          As for your Problem 2 I’ve noticed that all the XP Units that I deal with are getting slower recently and this trend seems to have started around the Vista release. Perhaps it’s M$ way of forcing a switch to Vista. 😀

          Personally a lot of different Open Source Product is looking better and Better now that XP is falling behind what it once used to be.

          Instead of getting Jacqui to fix your computer how do you think he would go in helping me move? I’m sick & tired of it and I’m not halfway there yet. We’ve been throwing everything in to the new place and it will take years to get setup once we move in. :^0

          On the up side I’m now telling everyone that I had nothing to do with the kids and that they are the Wifes and I’m not responsible for anything. Today several people have been asking [b]SWMBO[/b] how many times she’s been married and isn’t she so lucky to have found me as I totally understand her. :^0

          If only she would listen to them and not insist on correcting their misunderstanding. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #2643297

          Course I will ….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to GG lets know how you get on.

          I thought you’d be real busy with the move, that’s why I didn’t pm you last night!!

          When’s the actual move? Col, don’t overdo it – remember you may be Wonderman with pc’s but not with house moves!

          Good luck!

          😡

          GG

        • #2643290
          Avatar photo

          GG we officially change dwellings Sunday. :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Course I will ….

          I think that the wife even believes that this will happen. 😀

          Just one more thing on rereading your original post I forgot to add that with modern NB’s the CMOS doesn’t have a battery it has what is called a Smart Socket which is like a IC socket with a Capacitor included to keep the BIOS Powered when not in use. These can go flat and need recharging. With some new NB’s they where never fully charged to start off with so leave the NB plugged in overnight and see if that cures the problem with the Date & Time returning to the New BIOS State.

          I’ll be on Dial up for the next few weeks after I get that setup and I have a Dial up Account as a Backup so I have a massive 5 hours per month usage. Well it does only cost me $5.50 per month and it’s not been used in over 4 years so maybe it should use it a bit more. 😀

          Then after the new service [i]20 MEG per minute[/i] is wired into the house I get to setup the WiFi Router as for some reason I don’t trust the Telco to actually Secure it at all. Maybe I’m [b]Paranoid[/b] though. :^0

          Col

        • #2643257

          with a 5′ span

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to GG we officially change dwellings Sunday. :^0

          why does it need to be secured?
          Unless you are afraid that someone in the house will use it :0

        • #2643226

          Good luck, Col!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to GG we officially change dwellings Sunday. :^0

          I’ll have the prayer mats out and the fingers crossed for you. And if the removal angels land, just remember it was I who sent them…..! :p

          GG
          ]:)

        • #2643273

          Laptop Hell

          by gsg ·

          In reply to my excuse is better :p

          OK, whoever unleashed the laptop demons from hell step forward right now! You have to put them back. IMMEDIATELY!

          I too am having laptop problems at home, and will be spending a good portion of this evening backing up the files I don’t want to lose, and then trying to fix my issues. I’m to the point that I think that the poor thing is on it’s last gasp and I just need to replace it. Luckily, I can buy one through work at cost (we get steep non-profit discounts), so a new one won’t cost me much.

        • #2643270

          Best of luck to you, too.

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Laptop Hell

          If the laptop angels visit, after they’ve finished with me I’ll send them over to you!

          :p

          GG

        • #2643225

          Sacrifice

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Best of luck to you, too.

          I have some rabbits in the back yard that I need to get rid of. Maybe if I perform a sacrifice, burn some incense, sprinkle some holy water, and do the hokey pokey blindfolded while swigging from a bottle of Black Jack and listening to “Stairway to Heaven”, the laptop will miraculously heal itself.

        • #2643215

          You are on the right path now

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Sacrifice

          but have missed the ‘cure’.
          You need to sacrifice the rabbits ON the notebook. The blood must flow into the CPU itself, along with the incense smoke.

          The holy water needs to be splashed on the screen AFTER the gremlins have left, to keep them from coming back.
          The J D should be used both internally and on the notebook to help confuse the evil e-gremlins to go back into the dark, and so that after enough, you will be a witness to it…

          Please never actually try this fix!

        • #2663751

          Burial

          by gsg ·

          In reply to You are on the right path now

          Actualy, I’m going to perform a burial this weekend. I found laptop with a 2ghz processor, 2gb of Ram, 160gb HD, etc…. that with my discount and no sales tax is an awesome deal. They’ll even have it at my house sometime tomorrow.

        • #2643254

          The Evil HAL9000 sent them your way

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Laptop Hell

          he was trying to open the air-lock to your neighbor, but opened the portal to the evil e-gremlins instead!

          of course, if you say Help Me Scum God, I may just put those things away!!! :^0 :^0

        • #2663811

          Speaking of Laptop problems….FORKLIFT !!!!

          by tryten ·

          In reply to Laptop Hell

          I am currently trying to salvage what I can from a Dell Lattitude 620 that was “Hit” by a forklift. The processor and RAM do not seem to have any visual damage.

          The LCD is spider webbed pretty badly and the chassis is warped all to hell. There were some issues in trying to remove the hard drive. Turns out that its now slightly U shaped. Oh and it now sounds like a baby rattle because the platters have shattered.

          Apparently the ATG 20 foot drop test pales in comparison to a forklift strike.

          What is scary is that this thing was mounted on an articulating arm, attached to a custom made 3/4″ steel post. The post was struck once before by the “Lunatic” drivers and was ripped out of the concrete, even though it was within 2 feet of a structural steel I beam. We moved the pole to within inches of the building structure…apparently not only are they poor drivers they are blind cause this time the laptop was in place and the post has to be remounted again into the concrete because its loose.

          I really wish I could post pictures of it but its cameras are not allowing in the plant. Including cell phones.

          PS. The battery was found the next day underneath some pallets.

        • #2663747

          Oh yes, lift equipment and operators,

          by seanferd ·

          In reply to Speaking of Laptop problems….FORKLIFT !!!!

          the companies that build them, and the guys who maintain them (if they do maintain them).

          As far as a similar incident goes, I had the pleasure to see what happens to one of those UPS (as in shipping) handheld devices looks like when it gets creamed by a towmotor, along with the UPS guy’s glasses. He balanced them on a yellow steel and concrete post, knocked them off when he turned around, and I looked on helplessly as my co-worker ran them over. It all happened too fast to stop it.

          Also saw a keyboard on a swing-arm smacked across the production area when hit by the cage on a forklift.

          Other incidents involving electronics were due to poor design and electronic failure on the trucks themselves. (Never buy the first couple models of anything incorporating new technology without extensive testing first.)
          Cracked a thousand dollar mobo on a lift truck when someone tipped a pallet over right in front of me. The cowling on the front of the machine, it turns out, was made of eighth-inch thick vacu-form plastic, the board was right in front and otherwise unprotected. Many other incidents involved sudden system failure on trucks in motion: suddenly no steering or brakes. Wham! Other times, the brakes would come on of a sudden at failure, and on a stand-up truck, you’d smack your face right into the windshield, inertia providing.

        • #2663729

          HAHA

          by tryten ·

          In reply to Oh yes, lift equipment and operators,

          Yes our forklift drivers are world class.
          We had one individual drive one off the edge of the loading bay. Apparently he didn’t realize that sunlight meant that there was no truck parked there.

          Another incident happened to our new safety inspector on his first day. 1 foot from being splattered by a forklift driver trying to take a shortcut in the warehouse. That driver no longer works with us.

        • #2663669

          Yeah

          by seanferd ·

          In reply to HAHA

          I decided to not even mention anything that didn’t involve a PCB, or I would probably still be writing the post.

          One of my favorites involved a rather old piece of equipment. (Did I mention our lack-of-maintenance dept.?) It was seriously bogging down, and becoming increasingly warm. Our supervisor, with no real choice open to him, told my co-worker to keep using it until it failed entirely. Within five minutes the thing was on fire. I love the smell of burning wire insulation in the morning! (01:00) We had us a bit of overtime cleaning up the dry chemical and crispy wiring.

          We also had some interesting wall deco for a week. Two forks from a towmotor which had become lodged in the cinderblock (wasn’t on my shift, so unfortunately I missed the action). I can only assume that they would have stayed there forever, but I needed them, so I removed them manually. Turns out no one ever tried since the couldn’t be removed by reversing the forklift to which they had formerly been attached.

          I had better quit now, or I’ll be writing a novel in TR-space.

    • #2643334

      some to be going on with…..

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
      A: Get in the Batmobile Robin!
      – – – – – – – – – – –
      Making Cakes
      5-year old Jennie and her mother are walking in the zoo. They walk past the monkey cage, in which two monkeys are having sex. Jennie asks her mother, “What are the monkeys doing?” and her mother, thinking quickly, answers, “Um, they’re making cakes, dear.”

      They keep on strolling through the zoo, and they walk past the lion cage, in which the lion is bonking the hell out of the lioness. “What are they doing?” Jennie once again asks. The mother replies, “They’re making cakes too, pumpkin.”

      Soon they find themselves in front of the elephants, where the elephants are screwing like there is no tomorrow. “What are they doing?” Jennie asks, and her mother replies, “They are making cakes, darling.”

      The next morning, Jennie’s mother is cooking in the kitchen, when Jennie comes in. “Mommy,” she starts.
      “Yes, sugar-plum?” her mother prompts her.
      “Did you and daddy make cakes on the couch last night?”

      Well, naturally, the mother is rather nonplussed, but she keeps her cool, and asks, “Why, did you see daddy and me making cakes on the couch last night?”

      “No, but I licked the icing off the upholstery.”
      – – – – – – – – – – –
      3-year old old Joey and Lisa are playing in the living room.
      Joey: Lisa, do you want to give me a blowjob in the patio?
      Lisa: What’s a patio?

      GG

    • #2643319

      Priest’s Missionary Work

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives, when he realized that the one thing he had never taught them was how to speak English.

      So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, “This is a tree.”

      The chief looked at the tree and grunted, “Tree.” The priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little farther and he pointed to a rock and said, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, “Rock.”

      The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, they saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest was really flustered and quickly explained, “Man riding a bike.”

      The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowpipe and killed them. The priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

      The chief replied: “My bike.”

      • #2643306
        Avatar photo

        DM WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Priest’s Missionary Work

        Has the Impure Brigade paid you a visit and corrupted you to the [b]Dark Side?[/b]

        Heaven Help this Poor Sole he is very far gone and is rapidly catching up on GG and Shelly. 🙁

        Col ]:)

        • #2643282

          Complete misinterpretation

          by dmambo ·

          In reply to DM WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?

          Col, you should know that my contribution to the Yuk is a morality tale. The lesson to be learned is that there are consequences for infidelity. As always, I am working to maintain the high moral standards of TR.

          PURITY FOREVER!!!!!

        • #2643281

          yeahright, like we believe you

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Complete misinterpretation

          :p

          😀

          GG

        • #2643251

          “high moral standards “

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Complete misinterpretation

          except around the holidays, or any other time it seems fit to stray off of the path!!!

          not edited to add:
          “PURITY FOREVER!!!!! ” — must really depend on the perception of the one calling themselves pure! The more whacked they are in the head, the more ‘off’ their purity really is!!! :^0 :^0

        • #2662774

          I like to separate the two

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to “high moral standards “

          Currently looking for a [b]woman[/b] with high standards and low morals….. ]:)

          😀 B-)

          Purity? Bah! That is for water!

        • #2662665

          Well, I guess it is better than

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I like to separate the two

          currently looking for a woman with low standards and high morals :0

          As for the Purity rating, I am sooo confused by it. Apparently whatever you think you are, regardless of anything else, that is where you stand…

        • #2663504

          purity is confused

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well, I guess it is better than

          with innocence.

          I AM pure. pure evil that is…. ]:)

    • #2643313

      awe man this is a good one

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      ONCE there was this guy, who had spent his whole life being totally OBSESSED with tractors.

      He had tractor everything!

      Wallpaper, bedcovers, tractor carpet, his curtains had tractors on them, tractor books…

      He knew everything there was too know about tractors!

      With his 27th birthday rolled around and he treated himself to his usual tractor birthday cake, but as he blew out his candles he stopped and realised he had no friends, and had done nothing with his life.

      So he decided things had to change.

      He ran upstairs, ripped down his posters, tore up his carpet, got rid of all his tractor merchandise and headed down to his local pub!

      Not long after arriving and ordering his first ever pint, a fire broke out, the pub soon became filled with black smoke and people began choking and fighting to escape.

      The guy stood up from his quiet corner, held out his arms and with one deep breath inhaled all the smoke in the room leaving the air fresh and clear!

      The people cheered as they picked themselves up from the floor asking “How the hell did you do that? you saved our lives!”

      The guy said: “I’m an ex-tractor fan!”

      • #2643309

        caught in the act

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to awe man this is a good one

        A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she’s horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

        She’s about to storm out of the house, and the husband says “But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t wear because they’re out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn’t suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you anymore.

        Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, ‘Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?’

      • #2643298

        After Christmas

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to awe man this is a good one

        ‘Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
        Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
        The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
        At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

        When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
        When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

        I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
        The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

        The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
        And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

        As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
        And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

        I said to myself, as I only can
        “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

        So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
        Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

        Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
        “Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

        I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
        I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

        I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
        I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

        I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore
        But isn’t that what January is for?

        Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
        Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

        • #2663822

          Fruitcake!!!!! I haven’t had it in years!

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to After Christmas

          I haven’t had fruitcake in years! I LOVE fruitcake! (Well, good fruitcake anyway.) I am sure I am a distinct minority, but I really like it. What have I done in my life that has cause fruitcake givers to no longer recognize my receptivity to their output? Wanh. 🙁

        • #2663802

          Check CraigsList

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Fruitcake!!!!! I haven’t had it in years!

          My sister and I spend weeks trying to get rid of fruitcake our mom makes and sends us.

        • #2663798

          send it as a care package

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Check CraigsList

          to some country with starving people
          It might be better than bugs for food (of course you will need to send some toothbrushes and toothepaste as well)

        • #2663787

          And flyers for AA

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to send it as a care package

          as mom like to wrap it in burbon soaked papewr towels for a good month.

        • #2663778

          rumor has it

          by lowlands ·

          In reply to Fruitcake!!!!! I haven’t had it in years!

          that JD likes fruitcakes too.

        • #2663774

          The claxton company

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to rumor has it

          had a sale on this Christmas,
          One free cd of show tunes with every fruitcake sold…

        • #2662312

          rofl

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to The claxton company

          nice one 🙂

        • #2662893

          Shelbot’s laughing, I am puzzled…

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to The claxton company

          What did I miss? (Sorry… I’m just a’ innacent lil snow bunny wit lotsa blond….) 🙁

        • #2663550

          ..laughs even harder..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shelbot’s laughing, I am puzzled…

          once ya hang around here enough you’ll know just waht I’m laughing about..

          (running joke about JD and showtunes..so the fruitcake with the free showtunes..hahaa…ah..maybe its just me that finds it funny 🙂 )

        • #2663508

          yes shell

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Shelbot’s laughing, I am puzzled…

          it IS just you….. :p

          “simple minds, simple pleasures”

          😡

        • #2662881

          Lowlands….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to rumor has it

          jd IS a fruitcake!

          Hey, a fruitcake that likes show tunes…!

          :p 😀

          GG

        • #2662855

          Don’t you judge me, woman! :p

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Lowlands….

          😡

        • #2663749

          good fruitcake

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Fruitcake!!!!! I haven’t had it in years!

          I have a good fruitcake recipe that uses high quality dried fruits, and fresh nuts and not that weird green stuff that most of them use. I’ve successfully rehabilitated a few people with fruitcake-a-phobia with this recipe.

        • #2663713

          Sorry, I will always have

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to good fruitcake

          fruitcake-a-phobia

        • #2662290

          That sounds really good

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to good fruitcake

          And would probably get me to eat fruit cake. Its the weird candied fruit I have never been able to stand. If you think about it, I would not mind a copy o that recipe.

        • #2662253

          I’ll see if I can find it

          by gsg ·

          In reply to That sounds really good

          I may have to raid Mom’s recipe box, but I’ll see if I can find it. I haven’t made it in years as it is rather involved, but I think it’s worth the effort.

        • #2662857

          In my limited cooking experience

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to I’ll see if I can find it

          very few things that are “worth it” do not require a lot of work. Did I make sense?
          Sheesh… somehow I was supposed to know where carpeting was supposed to go, even though I was never included in those discussions… AT&T are putting in the T1, we still have a crew finishing drywall, let alone paint… I need batteries for 3 UPS’s… The tech from our call center software will be in tomorrow to start wiring the pbx and server… god… Opps… crap..

        • #2662888

          Yum!!!

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to good fruitcake

          But you gotta keep at least SOME of the weird little green stuff. That’s what reminds you that it is Christmas and a Fruitcake! (BTW, I would be way to afraid to buy edible anything from Craig’s List. Way too many kooks out there.)

        • #2662854

          Amen to that!

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Yum!!!

          Though I wonder at your use of “out there.” Ther eare also many kooks “in here.” Less so now that several voices have been silenced by the more aggressive, forcefull ones.

      • #2643247

        Is that a ‘sucking’ joke :^0

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to awe man this is a good one

        Is he related to someone we know here???

        • #2663878

          I thought it…

          by naughtymonkey ·

          In reply to Is that a ‘sucking’ joke :^0

          sucked.

          🙂

        • #2663869

          It

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I thought it…

          sucked massively, the whole room filled with people… Massive sucking power…
          :^0

        • #2662311

          eh?

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to It

          whats all the hoo-haa about sucking?

          a completely pure joke..and you degrade it like that..

          the horror of it all ..won’t someone think of the children??????????????????

        • #2662271

          Innocent? Children?

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to eh?

          Me thinks you are getting off the rocker!

          Ok, re-read the joke and tell me bout these’children’. And then tell me how anyone can suck sooo much, and not be impure :0

        • #2663548

          ummm..Scum

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          I forgot what we were talking about …

          rocker..ya..i’m a rocker..Trivium, Sabbath, Linkin Park….

          what children..where..??? ]:)

          suck..eh, joined facebook last week..I’m playing soem sort of vampire game thingy..to get points i have to suck..so what is a poor girl to do?

          ]:)

        • #2663484

          Do it Shell!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          “chrome off a trailer hitch”? :0

          😡

        • #2663482

          Well, since you are in the mood

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          who is getting sucked totally dry :0

        • #2663461

          and that

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          “who is getting sucked totally dry” just for one pond* … you scum :0 😉

          Rob

          * [i]pond = the dutch word for ? [/i]

        • #2663433

          erm Shell dear…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          couldn’t find anyone of your name in Dublin…..

          GG

        • #2655616

          Please pass screen wipes…

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          dang it, i was enjoying that Coke Zero untill it went up the back of my throat and escaped though my nose ]:)

          and now I’m laughing to myself like some huge idiot…(way to make good impressions in the office shell…)

          what is this obsession with sucking that you guys have?? ]:)

        • #2655614

          Shell, you have to ask?!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          Really?

          Well, you see dear, there were the birds and then there were the bees, and…….

          ]:)

          GG

        • #2655606

          OOoooOOOooooooOOOO

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          I see now GG..ahhh..
          The Birds…never listened to The Bees..they good?

          I’m still a bit unclear as to how that relates though… 🙂

          Oh, pm’d ya with my facebook name..not sure i come up as dublin or not, but i’m the only one there with that name anyways 🙂

        • #2655483

          Me knows now that Shellbot

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          is off her rocker!!!

          No Shellbot, you cant play PURE here now, too much impurity in the past!

        • #2655100

          off the rocker

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Innocent? Children?

          ah just having one of those weeks… 🙁

          Me, playing at being pure? Ah now..are you accusing me of something here??

          *sigh*

          I guess I’ll just go back to being Impure then… 🙁

    • #2643304

      This one made me snort

      by dumphrey ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world”s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

      So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. “This must be my lucky day,” he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

      Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General”s voice. There was no way he’d make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

      The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

      “I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device,” he said.

      “I see,” the Head Scientist said. “But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly.”

    • #2643288

      Things you learn at the movies

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

      One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

      Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

      It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one…dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

      When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

      If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

      Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

      Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

      During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

      All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

      All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

      It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

      If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

      The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

      You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

      Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

      A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

      If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

      If someone says “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

      Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

      All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

      A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

      If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

      Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

      When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

      • #2643241

        WOW, Can I guess that

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Things you learn at the movies

        you dont like movies much!

        LOL — these are very true — for most movies.

        • #2643234

          Actually

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to WOW, Can I guess that

          I love movies. I watch a lot of movies. All different kinds. Not so much into the smarmy chick flick movies, but I’ve been known to watch them from time to time. I don’t like the depressing movies that make you want to slit your wrist after watching them. Like ’21 Grams’ or ‘Mystic River’ or (the worst in my opinion) ‘The House of Sand and Fog). They were all EXCELLENT movies, but they really depressed me.

          Basically, if sh*t blows up in a movie, then I’m happy. 🙂

        • #2643228

          What an awesome woman you are!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Actually

          I like lots of movies, but there is nothing like gun play and sh!t blowing up!!!

          Of course, if I must actually pay attention to the entire thing I constantly find faults with them, so I rarely go to the theatre’s anymore. Watching just to waste time. But the moment my brain kicks in, the movie is ruined….

          Funny, I have never heard of any of the 3 that you mentioned. But I do not watch movies that would make me want to slit my wrists either.

        • #2643218

          Really?

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to What an awesome woman you are!

          21 Grams and Mystic River were pretty high profile movies. (I think Clint Eastwood directed Mystic River?) And I would recommend seeing them. They’re worth watching. Just don’t expect to be in a good mood when they’re over.

          House of Sand and Fog had Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connelly. In the end, every character either had their life destroyed or they were dead. I hated it.

          Now, Reservoir Dogs? I didn’t mind that everyone died, that was still a good movie and not depressing. Although the torture scene freaked me out a little. I still can’t hear the song “stuck in the middle with you” without recalling that scene.

          I just watched the latest Die Hard movie. Waaaay over the top, completely unbelievable. I still loved it. It just cracked me up.

        • #2643213

          Yes, I loved how the Helo was taken out

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Really?

          made for great effects, but so full of sh!t that I wanted to slap the writers around a bit.

        • #2663827

          That

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Yes, I loved how the Helo was taken out

          and knocking the guy out of the sky with the fire hydrant.

          Yes, over the top. But still..entertaining and funny.

      • #2643212

        What really ticks me off

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Things you learn at the movies

        Is that people in movies can always park outside the building that they are visiting!

        🙁

        • #2663872

          Which is almost belivable

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to What really ticks me off

          but they also NEVER get tickets or clamped!

        • #2663819

          And another

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to What really ticks me off

          If you REALLY need to reach someone by phone, it will ring and ring and they will pick up on their end just as you hang up.

        • #2663799

          But that is beleivable

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to And another

          because it happens to me all of the time, when I call or get calls.

          Well almost, it doesnt have an infinite ring usually, but I often answer just as someone hangs up

      • #2663889

        Things you learn about computers at the movies

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Things you learn at the movies

        High tech equipment is often driven by a computer with a DOS prompt.

        High tech companies don’t do offsite backups of the data. I watched Terminator 2 just last night (again) and I’m shouting “it’s at Iron Mountain!!”.

        All media devices are readily available – ie If someone hands you a DAT tape with important data on it your PC will have a DAT drive.

        No matter what you ask a computer to do it will respond with a percentage complete bargraph – especially when searching for data it can accurately give you the time remaining until it finds that data.

        Data searching will always involve displaying all the searched data on the screen until a match is found – this is true of text and graphics such as fingerprints.

        Telephone calls can be easily redirected through places all over the world, and upon a trace a globe will be displayed complete with lines travelling between each place.

        Deleting of data always takes just a little less time than it takes the bad guys to knock down the door.

        All technology is plug and play – every computer can have any piece of technology attached.

        High tech graphical interfaces are often driven by hundreds of keystrokes which do not appear anywhere on the screen.

        IP addresses automatically supply the feds with the physical address (ie log on and they know where you are!)

        Word processors never display a cursor.

        You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. Just keep hitting the keys without stopping

        All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

        High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

        Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English so you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

        Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. This applies to alien computers as well – Independence Day.

        All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

        Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

        All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

        People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

        A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

        Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

        Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

        When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

        If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file — and there are no undelete utilities.

        If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

        No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

        The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labelled.

        Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

        Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

        Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

        Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

        Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

        Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

        • #2663870

          Wow

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Things you learn about computers at the movies

          That is a real list as well. Musta hurt!

        • #2663771

          I think

          by lowlands ·

          In reply to Things you learn about computers at the movies

          the beeping of any any action of a computer in a movie is the single most annoying thing. Every *&*&* little thing they do makes the computer beep.

          On 2nd thought, the most annoying thing is the cleaning up of a fuzzy mirror image of someones face in a ultra low resolution picture, accompanied of course by beeps.

        • #2663764

          Or, in Enemy of the state

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I think

          having 1 camera angle and projecting a 3D image through predictions. And yet it can ‘predict’ changes, including shadows (on the other side, away from the camera). Hmmm, always wanted that SW…

        • #2663758

          as long as

          by lowlands ·

          In reply to Or, in Enemy of the state

          it doesn’t FRIGGIN BEEP!!!

        • #2663762

          When you’re in a hurry, watching that progress bar

          by seanferd ·

          In reply to Things you learn about computers at the movies

          the data download will complete (even on optical media) just in time for you to hide from the security guard or the guys who came looking for you. If your terminal access was detected from the computer room, you will still be able to steal the data and get away because the super-genius administrators can’t kill the box you’re using.

          That was a mighty fantastic list Neilb. Mae’s was awesome as well.

        • #2662759

          You forgot one

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to Things you learn about computers at the movies

          sufficiently advanced computers such as on Earth Final Conflict, have an avatar, in the form of a 3-D holograph of a beautiful gal, which responds to your every (data) need instantly.

          And no matter how good the encryption, it can be made better with ‘rotating fractal’ enhancements or something similar. And no matter how good it is, will only keep them (borg, aliens, you) for a few more minutes.

          While decrypting the password, it will always display the digits it has found so-far.

    • #2643284

      The missionary

      by rfink ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A missionary is serving a tour of duty in Africa. He’s the only white person around for miles. One day an albino is born and the natives are restless. The chief of the tribe calls him into his hut and asks him about it. The missionary explains, “Chief, I had nothing to do with it. It’s an albino, a freak of nature. For example, look at the herd of sheep on the hill over there. Notice how all of them are white except the one black one.” The chief replies, “Okay, you no tell, me no tell.”

    • #2663879

      Just like a woman

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      always waiting for the guys to do everything for them (without asking).

      :^0 :^0

      • #2663777

        Or berating you

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Just like a woman

        because you never thought of it, thus making them HAVE to ask.

        • #2662305

          But if they HAVE to ask

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Or berating you

          it is [b]proof[/b] that you don’t care…. :_|

        • #2662880

          jd – – – –

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to But if they HAVE to ask

          and your point is???

          GG
          ]:)

        • #2662871

          yes dear……

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to jd – – – –

          But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
          You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself

          [i]repeatedly[/i] :0

          😡

        • #2662782

          A conversation

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to yes dear……

          “Do you Love me?”

          “Of course, dear”

          “Why?”

          “Because you’re great, wonderful, and terrific in every way.”

          … pause …

          “And…?”

          ============

          We can’t win 🙁

        • #2662773

          And then “they” go and get mad….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to A conversation

          after getting grilled about whywhywhy, you finally tell them it is because they let you play with the mommy parts! :0

          “OOPS! Did I say that out loud?” 😀

        • #2663451

          Nah, if that’s all I wanted

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to A conversation

          I’d frequent hookers… they’re cheaper… [b]and [/b] they go away afterwards 🙂

        • #2663438

          [B] DEAD MAN POSTING[/b]

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to A conversation

          Tonnneeeeeeeeee!

          YOU [B] BAD [/B] BOY.

          Wait till I tell your wife……..

          GG
          ]:)

        • #2663437

          The differences between a wife and a hooker

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to A conversation

          When the hooker leaves, your out $40, 20 for her, 20 for the pharmacy. When the wife leaves, your out 1 house, 1 car, 1 soul.

          When you have sex with a hooker, she pretends to be enjoying the experiece incase you may want to tip, but thats fair as you are pretending she is the lady from the office. When having sex with your wife, she pretends to not be watching tv over you shoulder. But thats fair, as your pretending she is the lady from the office.

          Oh JD.. mommy parts?!?!?!?! OMG… I can honestly say,I have never used that in conversation. mommy parts….

        • #2663291

          Whaddaya mean GG

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to A conversation

          I said [b]if[/b] 🙂

        • #2655585

          Dumphrey / GG

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to A conversation

          First Dumphrey. “Mommy parts” is the cleanest way to be dirty that I can think of! ]:)

          GG. How could you even THINK of dropping a dime on poor Tony? :0 BAD dd, BAD!

          As far as hookers go, people look at it all wrong. You aren’t BUYING a person. Think of it more as a short term lease. ;\

          Having a wife is just legalized prostitution. They say your not paying for sex, but you pay every day. You have to take them places, you have to buy them things, you have to talk to them. They just ask TOO much! :p

          If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
          The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

        • #2655481

          Bad dd??? Who is dd???

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to A conversation

          And what did dd do that was so bad?

          personally, I like sounding a bit ‘dirty’. After all, being clean is not sooo fun.

        • #2662786

          It’s their own fault.

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to But if they HAVE to ask

          If they could read minds, they’d know that we couldn’t 🙂

        • #2662772

          oh no….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to It’s their own fault.

          what do you get when you cross a woman with PMS and ESP?

          A beotch that thinks she knows everything…..

          😀

          [i]runs and hides…. ;\

        • #2663439

          BATMOBILE CALL

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to oh no….

          You can’t hide, jd.

          You know you can’t.

          Say sorry.

          Or else…… we’ll have to get out the batmobile and come after you……

          ]:) ]:)

          GG

        • #2663286

          Send Pics

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          or turn on the webcam!!! 😡

        • #2655613

          Fire it up GG

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          Haven’t been for a spin in ages…
          and frankly about now i need it 🙁

          On the upside..i bought a lotto ticket..it could “be me” couldn’t it??
          alas..i think i’ll still be getting up at 7.30 t/m and draggin my @ss into work..

        • #2655609

          Shell/Scummie

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          Scummie – the webcam will be on, but later. There is no way you’re getting a shot of me with the local lurgy. (Translation: local winter cold/flu bugthingummy) Still got the one with the 3.1 resolution, is that ok? (!)

          Shell – you’re driving – see above – I’m paracetomol-ed up to the eyeballs to try to get the temp down from 103…..

          As for the lotto – just joined the works syndicate: first ?10 won first week. Pity it’s between 15 of us….. must try doing the odd one myself, but need some inspiration for some new numbers. No. 15 is my only static… :p

          GG

        • #2655582

          Dearest gg

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          I am sorry that women think they know everything?

          There, I said I was sorry! ;\

        • #2655480

          But GG

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          it doesnt matter, focus the pair in the cam, and then all will be fine. If you cough, they’ll just ‘wiggle’ a bit. All will be OK 😡

        • #2655099

          Scummie

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          Careful now..yer gonna get yerself all worked up….

          Have some common decency man..the poor thing is coughing cause she’s sick..not for your amusement!!!

          Ack..now when she’s better, maybe she’ll go jogging for you?? :0 ]:)

        • #2655093

          Any pics of the

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to BATMOBILE CALL

          bouncing duo are good pics! 😡

    • #2663630

      The Dentist, Psychiatrist, and Proctologist (Joke)

      by maniacman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      At a local doctors convention, 3 doctors, one a dentist, the other a psychiatrist, and the third a proctologist, are having a debate about who has the most stressful job.

      The dentist says that his is the most stressful because he has to look into people’s mouths, pull teeth, and listen to children scream and cry all day.

      The psychiatrist says that his job is the most stressful because he has to listen to looney people rant on about their problems and phobias all day long and there’s little he can do about it sometimes.

      The proctologist laughs at the dentist and psychiatrist and says that his job is the most stressful because he has to look at and deal with azzholes all days long, and they just keep coming back for more punishment.

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