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Friday Yuk

By Steffi28 ·
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Woooo, I beat everyone too it now I just need to find something funny to put in here....

Firstly my warning to all men

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches Don't mess with them.

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The Top Ten Reasons Why Women Hate Men

10. They are unable to make eye contact-only **** contact.

9. No matter how many times you cut your hair, they will never notice.

8. If they sleep with 50 women they consider it an accomplishment worthy of praise.

7. Flagellating in public-enough said.

6. Their vast amount of lame excuses.

5. The bigger the man, the bigger the baby.

4. "It wasn't me."

3. If caught in the act, they will still deny.

2. No periods-No PMS.

1. Because they're men!

-----------------------------------------------

1. Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

2. Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

3. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

4. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

5. What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.

6. Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

7. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

9. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

10. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

11. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three-one to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

12. How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy, and Filthy But Wearable.

13. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B. So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

14. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

15. How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything
B. One - men will screw up anything
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

16. How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

17. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

18. How do you save a man from drowning?
You take your foot off his head.

19. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who cares? Has it ever happened?

20. What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum under them.

21. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.

22. Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.

23. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

24. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

25. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

26. Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 1/2-inch floppy.

27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.


Happy Friday

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So you forgot to put the Batteries on Charge again right?

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yes but you got it last w ...
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Yes..

by Steffi28 In reply to So you forgot to put the ...

But only because you said you would do it for me

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Not even my arms are that long.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yes..

Besides I think that you are hearing voices in your head again I never suggested that I would place your Batteries back into the charger. So I take it that your weekend left a lot to be desired.

What with all those knotted up muscles it must have really hurt.

Col ]:)

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How do you know?

by Steffi28 In reply to Not even my arms are that ...

I'm in absolute agonz today, not sure if it was the dancing until 7am on friday night or the fact that I got my new laptop so i've been hunched over that all weekend, but for a change its definitely not for rude reasons

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Your Joking Right.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to How do you know?

I'm a HAL 9000 AI and I know every thing as well as have access to everything that I want to. I bet you didn't know that the Surveillance Camera outside your place could read Infrared and be turned to look directly into your bedroom window did you?

Once you come into contact with any Computer Controlled system you are under my supervision for as long as I want to look. :^0

Col ]:)

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:0

by Steffi28 In reply to How do you know?

Now im scared!! Your stalking me but you know all you have to do is knock and you can survey me from the inside of my place, its much warmer and I even offer tea and biscuits

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STALKING YOU fraid not my dear I'm just making

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to How do you know?

Sure that you are safe is that a Problem? :0

Col your friendly AI who looks out for you when in a strange country.

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by Steffi28 In reply to How do you know?

Aww your so good to me :) So you want to come on in for the tea and biscuits then? where about are you, I cant see you, are you hiding behind that tree??

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Bickies maybe but defiantly not Tea YUK!!!!!

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to How do you know?

I don't know how anyone drinks that muck, even the thought of it makes me sick.

Besides I'm keeping an eye on you electronically as this HAL 9000 unit is located in AU but you should know that as I'm all powerful I can gain complete access to any Computer Controlled Network to make it work properly.

Now if only I could remember that book but I keep getting stuck with the mental picture of 2 90 year Old Lesbians in my head and can't get past that image. :_|

Col

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OH BTW I should warn you that I've offered your services to Tig

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to How do you know?

To train her washing machine and Dryer to stop eating her socks so you are welcome to go there and whip then till they beg for mercy and then continue to whip them till they spit up all of the socks that they ate last year. :0

Tig will be so happy to get 700 pair of socks back again as they ate that many last year on her.

Col

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