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Friday Yuk

By Steffi28 ·
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Woooo, I beat everyone too it now I just need to find something funny to put in here....

Firstly my warning to all men

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches Don't mess with them.

-----------------------------------------------

The Top Ten Reasons Why Women Hate Men

10. They are unable to make eye contact-only **** contact.

9. No matter how many times you cut your hair, they will never notice.

8. If they sleep with 50 women they consider it an accomplishment worthy of praise.

7. Flagellating in public-enough said.

6. Their vast amount of lame excuses.

5. The bigger the man, the bigger the baby.

4. "It wasn't me."

3. If caught in the act, they will still deny.

2. No periods-No PMS.

1. Because they're men!

-----------------------------------------------

1. Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

2. Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

3. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

4. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

5. What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.

6. Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

7. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

9. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

10. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

11. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three-one to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

12. How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy, and Filthy But Wearable.

13. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B. So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

14. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

15. How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything
B. One - men will screw up anything
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

16. How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

17. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

18. How do you save a man from drowning?
You take your foot off his head.

19. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who cares? Has it ever happened?

20. What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum under them.

21. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.

22. Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.

23. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

24. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

25. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

26. Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 1/2-inch floppy.

27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.


Happy Friday

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Steffi this just arrived and I immediately thought of you

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to :0

Hello and Good Day...

The recruitment office of Wolseley Group UK wishes to notify you concerning a job opening in the company.

The company presently needs a representative/book-keeper in the United States and in Canada, due to its recent business expansion to North America.This would be an online job and would not affect or require you leaving present job.

We are the world's number one distributor of heating and plumbing products to the professional market,a leading supplier of building materials and services

Our company delivers an unrivalled range of industry leading products and services, underpinned by some of the most powerful brand names in the building and construction sector.

Due to our current expanding clients base in the United States and Canada, we are recruiting representatives in the United States and Canada respectively to work as company representatives that would assist in processing the payments from our clients.HE/SHE would be paid a weekly salary based on percentage.

PLEASE IF YOU ARE INTERESTED SEND US AN EMAIL SO THAT WE CAN EQUIP YOU WITH THE JOB DETAILS AND EMPLOYMENT REQUIREMENTS.


WARM REGARDS,

PETE CAMPBELL,

PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER.

WOLSELEY GROUP UK.

1-5 WOLSELEY PARKWAY NW,

LONDON, SW1Y 6EE,

UNITED KINGDOM

WWW.WOLSELEY.COM


Now that you have a CV to prepare you don't need to bother reading any other posts since you last looked here as this is a Once In a Lifetime Opportunity.

Col

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But

by Steffi28 In reply to Steffi this just arrived ...

I like reading the posts and I cant take that job anyway I have to finish another year of Uni, so unless they're prepared to wait for me im outta luck

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Don't bother with Uni

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to But

You'll never learn anything at all there I spent a very long time at Qld Uni and wasted a lot of time and money to come away with half a million letters that some Id10t wanted me to put after my name and a Dr in front of it just because I had a couple of Ph D's or as I like to say the Noise you make when you hit the floor after tripping over FUD.

I soon put a stop to the DR crap as well when I was asked to attend a passenger on an aircraft who was having a heart attack and because I was listed as Dr Luck they thought I knew about medical things. Actually I don't list any of my qualifications except on Legal Documents when I'm giving evidence in a Court matter as I find those who are impressed with those silly letters in the first place are not worth impressing anyway. Probably why the Courts love them, I rest my case.

Actually My Dear it's you who is out of Luck as I'm already taken and I would never disagree with SWMBO. Life's way too short for that type of Misery.

Col ]:)

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Ahh well

by Steffi28 In reply to Don't bother with Uni

I'll have to look for some Luck elsewhere huh

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Actually you can find a whole family of them in Carooy

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Don't bother with Uni

2 of them are even Medical Doctors so maybe you could steal a couple of them I'm sure that no one would miss them.

Both of the Quacks only work 6 months per year and then go on Medical Learning Trips to save the Tax man taking all of their money. :^0

Col

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Well

by Steffi28 In reply to Don't bother with Uni

The other six months send them here

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Actually Steff they are not my direct family

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Don't bother with Uni

But some kind of Cousins or something similar I only ran into the Daughter when I was teaching somewhere and she wouldn't believe that was my name.

Then my son came out of some heart Surgery and when he woke up there was a Nurse called Mrs Luck bending over him and his only comment was God when did I get married and What is the Girl fiend outside going to say or do to me?

Again not a close relation so I don't know where her Hubby comes from.

Col

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Payback

by dspeacock In reply to Friday Yuk

Why do women get PMS??


They deserve it!!! :-) :-) :-)

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You are officially

by Tig2 In reply to Payback

In SOOOO much trouble!

HEY LADIES!!! Sacrificial lamb here!!!

Have a great weekend!

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Trouble??

by dspeacock In reply to You are officially

Trouble is my middle name!!!!!

As long as they realize it was in jest only. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy... (maybe)

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