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Friday Yuk

By rob mekel ·
Tags: Off Topic
As I'm going away right after this post I'll risk the chance to be poked at :^0

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

Have a great weekend and ... week to come.
or did i spell come wrong ]:)

Rob

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Some funny pictures ...

by jasonhiner Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A few of these are crass (what am I saying, this crowd will love it):

http://artwc.org/Billie2/0118FUNNIES/0118.html

I especially like the headless dancer.

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Some "classic" stuff. Good catch!

by daveo2000 In reply to Some funny pictures ...

Humor without words.

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Ducks

by Steffi28 In reply to Friday Yuk

Just found this apparently its true!! Man its some duck!!

A hunter shot a duck near Tallahassee, Florida. Thinking it dead, he popped it in the fridge. A couple of days later his wife opened the fridge (what?s she been doing in the meantime? What was she living on?) and the duck lifted its head and uttered a mournful ?quack?.

Actually, I lied about the ?quack? but it sounds better .

The wife, somewhat taken aback, took the duck to an animal hospital and subsequently to the Goose Creek Animal Sanctuary. They reckon it?s got a 75% chance of survival.

Local veterinarian, David Hale, said ?This is an extremely tough duck with a lot of spirit to live?this shows how tough and adaptable wildlife are.?

Or possibly it suggests that Florida wildlife is too dumb to know when it?s dead.

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also

by 20905402864666492152529682118478-paadams In reply to Ducks

I read that they were doing surgery on it to repair the wing where it had been shot and they to perform CPR to bring it back. The damn thing just won't die.

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silly

by GSG In reply to also

When the hunter brought it out of the fridge, why didn't he just wring it's neck. Also, I doubt the hunter's story of events, or else he's really stupid. If you shoot something, you don't refrigerate it with the guts still inside. If it's small enough, like, say, a DUCK, you field dress it by gutting it out. You'd never keep it for days with the guts in. Even refrigerated, the bacteria in the guts would start the decomposition process and the meat wouldn't be any good.

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i agree

by 20905402864666492152529682118478-paadams In reply to silly

Everytime i've been duck hunting, we cut out the breast meat and discard the rest. only thing i can think is if he was planning on taking that one to a taxidermist. but i think he shoulda just finished the job he started and killed it.

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Happy Friday to you, Rob!

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make
the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead
folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action
poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and
breast implants... WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme
attack of "the willies."

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45
bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor
mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs
*us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor
mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

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Lil' Johnny

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'bl0wj0b', and that's only two syllables."

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The Stuttering Cat

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "

Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Dawg ]:)

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