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Friday Yuk

By rob mekel ·
Tags: Off Topic
As I'm going away right after this post I'll risk the chance to be poked at :^0

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

Have a great weekend and ... week to come.
or did i spell come wrong ]:)

Rob

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american, not irish

by GSG In reply to So asssswipe

I'm american, and as far as I know, no irish in the ancestry, so, no, not every american claims irish ancestry. I'm glad, 'cuz from what I see out of you, I don't want anything in common with you.

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newlyweds...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

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Ah, Computers!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Ah, Computers!

We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
-----
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe

A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs. --Solomon Short

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM
maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. --Robert
Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that
can be mass produced with unskilled labor. --Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H. Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. --Gene Spafford

Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson

Dawg ]:)

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Bunny Story

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

And as they always tell you a woman is never wrong.

Col ]:)

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aussie sheep farmers

by half In reply to Friday Yuk

Why do aussie sheep farmers wear long bush shirts?
So the sheep cant hear the zip going down

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Its Tuesday

by Steffi28 In reply to Friday Yuk

And Monday was much too quiet for my liking so in an attempt to have a good day like I have vague memories of from two weeks ago, in fact even Friday was too quiet so I'll try my best but I cant do it without your help!!

Training Courses Now Available for Men:
=============================

= > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
= > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
= > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
= > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
= > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
= > 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
= > 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
= > 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
= > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
= > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
= > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
= > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
= > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
= > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
= > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
= > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
= > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
= > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
= > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
= > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
= > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
= > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
= > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
= > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
= > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
= > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
= > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

I'm thinking of sending mine on 1, 6 and 11 just to start of and then see how he progresses from there

--------------------------------------------
Reasons computers must be male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is always just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

It is always necessary to have a backup.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

---------------------------------------------

Once upon a time....these three guys are out having a relaxing
day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set
free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just
doesn't believe it, and says:
"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and
analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to
the mermaid:
"Wow, can you triple my I.Q.?" The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to
problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields:
physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,
that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at
him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds
when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five,
and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please, " says the mermaid
"You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on
the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars,
anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having
his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed
and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.

---------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a ***** and a prick?

A ***** is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

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Women's Courses?

by daveo2000 In reply to Its Tuesday

Training Courses Now Available for WoMen:
=============================

= > 1. Introduction to Common Logic I: Why "You should know" isn't an answer
= > 2. Introduction to Common Logic II: Why "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" fails Logic I.
= > 3. Basic Dressing: Why the first thing you had on was OK.
= > 4. Refrigerator Organizing: Beer goes IN FRONT of the Perrier
= > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - Why it can wait
= > 6. Accepting Futility I: If It Doesn't Fit Now, You Can Give It Away
= > 7. Accepting Futility II: The difference between those two pairs of shoes isn't that noticiable
= > 8. Accepting Futility III: Why it doesn't matter if you wear the same mass produced garment as somebody else.
= > 9. Recycling Skills I: Shoe Boxes Take Space.
= > 10. Recycling Skills II: You Only Need So Many Left Over Grocery Bags
= > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: Not Just The Seat, Put The Lid Down
= > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: If You Take A Towel, Replace It
= > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Why You Don't Actually Need To Leave The Make Up And Rollers Out
= > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Shoes and Dresses to the Goodwill
= > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Skirts
= > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Serving Fork Won't Lift The Whole Turkey
= > 17. Romance: More Than Just a "Chick Flick"!
= > 18. Strange But True!: He Really May NOT Care What Morgan Said about Bo.
= > 19. Going Out to Dinner: It Doesn't HAVE to Cost a Fortune
= > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Romance" Category
= > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
= > 22. "I Could Have Worn a Better Dress Than That!": Why Men Laugh
= > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Men and Women Have Different Ideas
= > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Women Aren't Always Right
= > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First WoMan to Accept It!
= > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
= > 27. Directions: It's Okay to be Independent
= > 28. Talking: It's Not Just Something You Do To Fill Silence
= > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Answers Doesn't Mean They are Right

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Isn't that the truth

by Dontknowwhatimdoing In reply to Women's Courses?

You know of course, that you have left yourself wide open for massive retaliation. One course I think all men should have to take is Survival Basics 101: How to duck and cover.

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I was going to

by Steffi28 In reply to Isn't that the truth :D

Put one of the courses that I went on to good use.

"How to hit where it hurts"
or
"How to mentally damage men"

But I thought that seen as mine were better I'd just leave him to it

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I can see the PURITY SHINING Through there Steffi

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I was going to

You are even correct when you called all females WoMen which is from the Latin Woe to All Men.

Only the Truly PURE would admit to that now.

Col :)

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