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Friday yuk

By rob mekel ·
Tags: Off Topic
Well friday is well on its way so ...

Here we go
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President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."

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A more heavy one
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On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of ?100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's ?7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's ?7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my **** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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Have fun all and a great weekend. :)

Rob

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Col

by maecuff In reply to Rob children are differen ...

I have a good story about 'kids on a plane'

When my oldest son was around 2 years old, we flew from Boston to Cincinnati. He wasn't happy. I dunno if his ears hurt, or if he was just pissy, but he wasn't a happy baby. He fussed and he cried and generally made himself as unpleasant as possible. The flight attendant came and asked if she could take him to the cockpit. I let him go. She brought him back with a little cup full of raisins. He shoved one after another into his mouth. I told him to chew and swallow. He shoved as many as he could into his mouth and had black raisin goo running from his lips. He spit the whole big mass of raisins out and handed them to me, then wiped his hand on the woman's skirt who was sitting next to us. I'm reasonably sure that she would have pitched him off the plane if she could have.

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Mae sounds like you where having fun.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Rob children are differen ...

I really didn't have anything at all to do with the missing kid as while he would have fitted dead under my seat there where another 100 or so who I would have had to do away with as well and I couldn't hide that many corpus in the small space provided.

One of the many lessons that I've learnt over the years one is to never take a commercial aircraft out of Saudi Arabia, always fly out on Leased aircrft, never catch a Cab while in Rome actually don't even consider going to Rome and never leave the airport if you have to stop over there and the last one is never catch a cab in LA. I've got something about being locked in a wire cage with pistols floating around beside the driver on the front seat.

Although I'll give the LA Cabbies this you are more likely to arrive where you want to go and only run a small chance of being shot but in Rome you are unlikely to live the 2 minute trip out of the airport let alone the trip to your Hotel or meeting. Traffic Lights in Rome are interesting if they are green it means go fast when they change to yellow it means go faster and when they are Red that means that they have to try to fly through the intersection or try driving on the footpath or if they are a really good driver along the sides of buildings. The LA Cabbies in comparison look totally SANE! :^0

Col

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computer camp

by heml0ck In reply to Friday yuk

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.

We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy's letters:
-----------------------------------
Letter # 1
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The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.

Letter # 2
-------------
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart
class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.

Letter # 3
-------------
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 4
-------------
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 5
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Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.

Letter # 6
-------------
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.

Letter # 7
-------------
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.
-------------

What can I do, Mr. Johnson?

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent

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Cats and Dogs

by TechExec2 In reply to Friday yuk

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!

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A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday yuk

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you," says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A gorilla walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here, you know." The gorilla says, "At $10 a beer, that's not hard to understand."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says,
"Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

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Add to that...

by Omnifice In reply to A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't server your kind in here!". The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fungi".

A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't server your kind in here!". The rope walks out of the bar and sits on the curb feeling quite bad for himself. Suddenly he gets an idea: he pulls apart one of his ends, and tangles himself up. Excitedly the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender says "weren't you just in here a few minutes ago?" and the rope says "no, I'm a frayed knot".

No groaning. :)

Cheers!

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How's My Cat?

by TechExec2 In reply to Friday yuk

A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: She's Dead.

Brother 1: She's Dead?!! What do you mean "She's Dead"?!! I loved that cat! Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me?!! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broke me into the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I call before I leave you could have told me "well...we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down". Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me "the Fire Department is here and scared her off the roof and she died when she hit the ground".

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive and I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright..Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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OK I wasn't going to post this one

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday yuk

As it's too close to the truth but Danger Mouse needs to understand the difference between a Pure Joke and a disgusting one.

10 Sings that you are burned out


10. You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell".

9. Your best friend calls to ask how you've been
and you immediately scream" get off by back, BITCH".

8. Your garbage can is you're "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire,
but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind that
you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the up coming weekend
help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than you do at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively
bring your briefcase.

2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be
if you were in jail right now.

Have a great weekend everyone. :)

Col

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a Scotsman...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday yuk

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.
His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose."
"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"

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The Scotsmans First Baseball game

by dryflies In reply to a Scotsman...

A scotsman went to his first baseball game ever. he has great seats along the first base line and when the first batter get a hit, everyone stands up and yells "RUN!! RUN!!" the scotsman, wanting to fit in also get up and Yellls: "Rrrrun like the wind Laddie, Rrrrun like the wind!!!" on the next base hit, he gets up at the same time as every one and yells again: "Rrrrun Like ****, Laddie, Rrrrun Like ****".

The next batter is a really big hitter so the pitcher decides to pitch around him. After the fourth pitch the batter takes off for first base and the Scotsman stands up and Yells "Rrrrrun like the wind Laddie!!!" but the person next to hime tugs on his arm and says "He doesn't have to Run, he got four balls" At that the Scotsman stands back up and Yells: "Walk with Prrride Laddie, Walk with Prrrride!!"

OK so its monday. big deal.

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